Aencephaly

I don't know what to call this.
 
I'm lightheaded.  Have had 3 meals today. 
I ve been trying to stick to an 8-12 meal diet, where 1 meal equals a 'meal' in my mind.  I've been undershooting a lot more than overshooting.  Weird.
 
Today I felt sadness.  Its been a long time.  And what me sad?  I lost hours at work.
Money...
I no longer feel it anymore.  I could use the free time.  And my work cut my hours because my work ethic sucked for a closing shift and I left the store messy.  I'm closing that same store now (doing my job?  Kinda, I have just enough flexibility that this is semi-allowed) and they seem to be checking on me.  But I always am paranoid.  I'm doing good deeds right now that I hope I don't get recognized for.  I just want to forget them all and sleep.  Thats what is so great about sadness, it makes you sleepy enough to drift away.
 
I have a new friend in one of my classes.  I don't make friends often so this is alien.
someone is comming
 
or not...  going to the jewlers next door.
oh well, I get paid to do this.
 
 
I don't have much to say today/tonight/this evening.
 
Stay beautiful

Hyde-hidehidehidehidehide

I gave blood today.
But I want to give more...

I want to drain out, because the more blood I give the better it feels.  I feel like I'm awake for once.  And then after that feeling comes the immense wealth of fatigue.
I never get tired...
Its not fair.

I can't stand you when you complain.  I can't stand you when you rationalize.  I can only stand you when you are abstract, when you fail to make sense.  You are strongest when you aren't yourself.
Because I...
I am weak.

You are weak



I have been rereading Sophie's World.  Best book I could buy with $4.  I now own two copies of that book just because.
I want to bleed.

I don't know what is going through my head.  I'm a weakling when it comes to cutting and starving.  Its just... this weird restlessness.  I don't hear voices in my head, but I do feel the urges.  And I interpret those...
I don't know what I can believe.
I don't know. 
I want to be my impulses more than I want to be me...

Is there something wrong with that?



Stay Beautiful 

Sapian

Choice is an illusion...

You see, when you know more about all the possible actions and outcomes, you come to realize that you only have one choice.  That the best answer is the only answer, because all other ways destroy you, kill you, or impoverish you.

The future is a walled room with no door and no windows.  Light comes from nowhere, illuminating the room.  You look around you, confirming to yourself that there is no way out.  No doors, no windows, four solid walls.  Then the walls begin drawing in.  The walls are coming closer.  And there isn't one thing you can do, because choice is an illusion.

There is no way out...





Stay Beautiful

Loosened screws

I must define everything.


gah...
I'm not here.

The words aren't comming yet.
Silence drags on...

Stay Beautiful

Sisyphus

There is something sacred about silence.
I have so much on my mind right now that I don't know what to say.  I feel like if I were to try to explain all of these words I would say too many things that are not true.  I'm trying to be true.

The only person it seems I can be true to is myself.
I am sorry me.  I have failed you.  I will fail you.  I am weak.  I am undeserving.  I am a waste.  I waste.  I grow fat and old.  Dear me, I am sorry.

I am tired in the mornings.  And at night I don't want to admit it, but I'm tired again.  I have one day left in my mind to do my homework.  It is the greatest demon in my life right now.
I don't know why, but I can't overcome thing.
Sisyphus. 


Sisyphus sisyphus sisyphus.
I want to break down and cry.  I let myself down, but I'm also letting all the people the depend on me down.
I need blood.

I need to bleed...
And I'm so tired tonight.
I shall sleep, and wake up tired in the morning.

Give me silence.
I may never sort though my words, but at least I won't tell lies.
The silent do not tell lies.
They let the truth happen...


Stay Beautiful

Undergraded

Some people have life so easy.

Some people...
Sorry for my absence, while some people I know have had people to clean up for them, I have been endlessly turning over the soil of my life and finding... its dirty.  I'm all mud and earth.
First off, I haven't posted since my most recent of great sins.  I'm sorry, but that information might just be left out of here.  It made me sick.
I am sick.
My mind is sick.
People call the way I think sick.
No matter.

Those people have life so easy...  They should try harder.  I'm always striving for something.  Right now, its the grades.  Grinding my head against stone, making cornmeal with my poor intelligence and selling it for minimal wares.  I don't know much, but I try to learn.

By the way... as an aside I would like to mention how much I distrust the phrase "I know"
I have been trying to catch myself, if I ever want to say "I know" I stop.  Because do I know?  And also, most of the time you say "I know" in response to a mistake.  You should be apologizing, not stubbornly acknowledging that YOU KNOW.
Chances are you didn't know, and it doesn't make a difference you know now.  All you are doing is showing what you could have been if you only tried harder. 
Try harder...
Trying...

I'm trying to learn, but somehow even though I am the student with the most participation in the lectures, the student that can demonstrate superior knowledge on the subject... somehow I miss things on the exam.  I don't mess up on a large scale, but I mess up enough that I get 87% or 90%.  And "I KNOW" this shit.
Or maybe I don't.
And I shouldn't assert that I do.
I just frustrated myself by saying I knew...
I guess...
I guess I don't deserve the grade.
Its just been so much work
and I wish something came out of it.

I try.


Some people have life so easy
It makes me wonder
Do they try>?



Stay Beautiful

Second Chances

Wanna know whats funny?  I thought I wasn't eating disordered anymore.
I unintentionally have been living off of little food and losing weight.  I just noticed it today when a friend told me I lost weight.  I kept thinking its because I decided to wear a shirt that shows my collarbone today...
But now I feel it.  I'm on my low.  You know... when your weight fluctuates and you are lighter... I'm there now.  Been living off of 2 fuji apples, water, and plenty of stress every day for about a week.
I'm low on energy.

Weird how I can't escape it.
I don't care, because its part of me.  It has been for a long time.
Just... tired.  Lots of headaches.  I'm not hungry even when i haven't eaten.
I know people will think there is something wrong with me.  Gah... its so annoying because I'm so healthy.

I haven't been able to work out forrealz yet.  Its eating at me.
Eating... haha.
God I'm funny.

I love being messed up


Stay Beautiful

Ignonimy

I'm not sure what is going on.  But I learned this new word: Ignominy

The way I understand it... its like being a public shame because you are so useless/dumb/vile.  Something like that...  I will look it up again later... I always have to be right...
I call myself this word without even understanding it.

Stay beautiful

I say I want to die

I want to stop helping people.  I want to stop making people smile.  I want to stop giving to others.  I want to go away.  I want to be alone in a corner for about a week.  And then I want to get kicked back into shape so I can live life for a few months again.
I say I want to die... or the voice in my head says I want to die.  But do I mean it?
Is dying easy?  Because the voice tells me to die like it is easy.  Like I could simply die whenever.

It takes some dying... to feel alive.



ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Where did this mess come from!
I NEED TO CLEAN.
sorry got to go.


stay beautiful

Millstone

Rarefied millstone.
I don't even know my own words.  I just remember them.  Sorry.  This post is going to be confusing.
Its all because I've been such a mystery.
And not many people talk to me.
Yet I've been talking a lot more
Just to myself
or the other guy... the one I pretend to be.

I don't mind being kind.
But I would rather get work done.  Get my work done.  Before I help you with yours.  I need a 2 year dream.
I need something I can do in 2 years.  So I can have a place.
And I can provide.
Not going to lie.  I just want a house.
I want a house so I can shelter people.
First Rosie.
Gosh... Appendix, you are invited.  I'd pay for your plane ticket if I could.  If I had a house and I couldn't afford your ticket... well I'd borrow money to get you here.  I'd help you die the easy way, I mean, you always talk about dying.  I'd just want to help ya know?
Yeah... you're cool.
Forserious... I like that word.
Forrealz: I also made it up.
Forwhys?
I dunno.

Millstones.  When I think of them I think of corn underneath rock being ground into powder becoming less than cornmeal.  Mush mush.  Mush mush.
Who would want to eat that?


Oh yes... the protein diet.  Has been going well.
How do people not have food in their houses?
oh... and I'm helping a friend be homeless, because right now (runonsentence approaching) she is in a relationship with a guy, his girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, killed herself in his room, and then he got together with this friend of mine 9 days later, so then like I'm like. woah, if my gf killed herself I'd be like 2 weeks before I hookup again right?  Well, he is schizo so its okay, but really he is a human, we are all human, don't judge the guy, so I won't.  Then he like does stuff like drugs her and feels her up when she sleeps and I'm like, get out, forserious, I'll help you become homeless, I'll drive you to a shelter (by the way, I might want to volunteer at one of those just for love- and by that I mean... because butterfly would want me to) and like bring your stuff with you, so its a good idea and it might happen.  Yeah.  Lifesgood.
Don't know why, but I hate being stuck where I am.  Like reality am.
I hate being stuck where I really am.
I hate having to be here when I am here.
Do you get it?

Why does language...
Have to be so difficult to...
use.


screw life.
Stay beautiful

Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude... there is a lot of that going on within me.
For those of you that do not know the definition of the word, it is pleasure gained by malicious and intentional misfortune given to others.  So... if you really like throwing trash at people or causing them to cheat on their intimate other...  You have Schadenfreude.

Then I got paid for volunteer tutoring.
I got paid for volunteer work!  By people that don't have the money to pay me for it!  What the What?

But I do have a talent for tutoring.  My method went that I would have them run through the homework telling me if they understood every question.  If there was one part that they didn't know, I would have them move on to the next question without even trying the one they didn't know.  Then...  after the tutor got frustrated at how little they knew, I started teaching.  And even then, I don't lecture... I have them figure it out, or I tell stories.  I'm good at tutoring...

Yet I feel part of the reason I have been paid is something to deal with how the parent of the girl I am tutoring might find me attractive?  Or something of a good match, or a good person to be in a relationship with.
If you knew how much of snake I am...

I am simply immoral.  I have seduced on three occasions girls in relationships because... I don't know.  Because I didn't really want them to cheat, and I didn't want anything from them.  I didn't want them to break up, I didn't want them to get together with me, I didn't want their body for selfish sexual pleasure.  I haven't even had selfish sexual pleasure and neither do I want to; not yet.  And not for a while...
I encourage habits terrible for the health, like smoking, fasting, and exercising until you break.  If you can do all three at the same time: I am very much attracted to you.  That doesn't mean I want much of anything from you, but I attracted...
I don't want things from people, but I gain pleasure at seeing them annoyed, impoverished, or injured.  In some of the most serious situations I have almost found myself laughing aloud at people in terrible pain.  I will still try to help, and try to empathize.  I just... have a backwards reaction to suffering sometimes.  Sadness... is my favorite emotion.
So if you knew, you would know to stay away.

I have more flaws.
I stare.
I try to smell people to see if I can recognize their scent.  The explanation about that... is another story.

I also have no future.
And I am a failure at simply being what I am.

But I don't seem to care that much
about anything but beauty



Stay Beautiful

Who needs a cure?

I always ask questions.
But what I don't know... is what do I want to hear...


I will say I am useless.  When i am alone no one answers, the statement settles in.  When someone is there, they tell me I am not.  They tell me I am not worthless.  Nothing happens.  I feel the same.
I wonder...  what do I want to hear?  What would make me believe that I am not useless.  What could prove to me that I have worth?

Yet I know I am blessed.  I am blessed with friends.  Friends like my best friend, who is goofy, fun, and looks up to me as an older brother, even though I am only about a month older.  Friends like Broken, Appendix, Blowfish, Butterfly, redrat, savetherainbows, and Alicia.  Friends that I talk to about everything bothering me.  Everything in me that other people might not accept.  Friends that don't cure you.
And yet, sometimes we become more than friends.  Yet I don't know what to call that.

Humans are sexual by nature... For some reason I have always had difficulty showing sexual desire, even having it.  I want my body to be a perfect machine.  I want to look desirable and I want to be desired.  I want to feel desire myself.  There are some things I don't feel.  Or I don't feel consistently.
All feelings aren't very consistent.
Truth is what stands the test of experience.

I shall see.

Poison oak...  haha.  Yes.  It really sucks when you get it on your face.  And everywhere else sucks too, but on your face, you can't necessarily hide it.  Most people (my work included) might get offended or put off balance if I wore a mask.
I wish I could hide how ugly I am in my physical appearance like I can hide how ugly I am on the inside.
Ugly ugly ugly.
I'm very ugly.

beauty...  Beauty matters more to me than most things.  Money is the only thing I might trade for beauty.  A large sum of money is worth more than my life.  My life... isn't worth much money to begin with.

I wonder... if the world knew how ugly I was, how worthless I was... what would do to me?  Where would they put me?  Or would they leave me the same... so that I could telling myself I was useless and worthless and people around me could tell me I'm not if they are listening.  And I'll keep asking myself then:
What do I really want to hear?


Stay Beautiful

Also

I have poison Oak on my face
I wonder if poison oak can spread to your eyes...

Its very close...


Stay Beautiful

PT down? Nothing to read? Well, big post here!

Lets talk about life.

Yesterday my car broke down 4 times.  Seemed okay because it broke down on less traveled roads, it broke down in the parking lot at school (so I wasn't too late to class) and it will only cost about $500 to fix today.  Yay.
Still, even though I didn't have work that day, I also didn't have time to walk home twice.  I had no phone on me...  I don't know why the day my car didn't work was the day I left my phone on the charger at home.
So like... people have been calling me... and I haven't been there for them.

I can't.
I have homework.
I did not have time to walk home twice.  And not have my phone twice?  What the heck myself!  Why can't you do stuff right.
This morning I woke up and have been doing homework.  I wish I had an extra 6 hours that I spent walking yesterday.  I actually thought it might be cool if I emailed a teacher asking for an extra day.  I could use that...

I might just not sleep... I could always do that...
Besides...
I took a run 2 days ago.  There was a girl that kept up with me.  I wanted to ask for her number so she could run with me again.  Because... no one keeps up with me.  She was also remarkably pretty.  But so young... She looked so young.  Not only that, but she was half my size.  I'm fucking huge.

Workouts have been hard to fit in.  I just work and school all the time.  Yet I somehow waste a lot of time online doing NOTHING.  Not even blogging.  I just do nothing.
If I took that out I would be able to do more.

School.
It hasn't left my mind.
But I don't know if I will make it.  I have never done well in school.  And I don't see myself doing well this time either.  Why am I so bad at this?


I also have to do traffic school.
I'm sorry for the guys fixing my car, they have to take the engine out, and its a V8.  Which is like 100lbs or something.  So lame...  oh well, I'll pay them money and not even complain about the price.  I should bake them cookies!


I also want to get back into Magic The Gathering... the trading card game.  It would be cool.
I've been drawing.  I want to show you people what it looks like.  Its all notes.  But its how I take notes on stuff, and its interesting stuff.  No one else would see it as notes.  But I see the lessons and lectures inside the art.


Is prettythin seriously down?  Why?  Forserious?

What else is there...?  Oh yeah... I do volunteer tutoring.  I missed that because of car trouble yesterday.  And didn't call them yet on why I wasn't there...  whoops.
Then I have this youth symphony that requested I play tuba for them.  I replied this morning because it is the first time I have had the time to do that.  I need to tell my work when the performance dates are.
I have about 10 pages of math homework due tomorrow because I have been doing my 5 pages of English homework due today instead.
I have work today.
I bought glucose tablets because I miss my butterfly.  Who isn't my butterfly.  But butterfly alone sounds like such a general nickname.  Butterfly is my personal nickname for her.
AND...
I have an epic trip planned for Labor Day weekend.  hopefully cars don't break down and homework doesn't pile up so high in front of the car that when I drive though it the car breaks down.

All this life...
Good thing I'm fat.  Otherwise I'd complain about being too small for it all.
I hate being so huge.
Stay beautiful