A C

I must be getting thinner, it is just so darn slow...
At least the way I do things I don't get caught. But as soon as school stops I get to workout all day long. And at night I just might go out... and not make it in time for dinner. Spending money on others for Christmas sounds like a great excuse.

And today, the hunger highs were great. I was high for 3 hours of work, and it took 5 calories of green tea to break the high for a while... The day was mostly good.

I also got a vest- that is 20 pounds. I'm doing push-ups with it, I plan to walk with it sometime- and it is funny because if I wear a long sleeved shirt over the vest I look like a fat person. So I could just pretend I am a fat person on walks... How ironic huh?
And if I talk to people "yeah I'm trying to lose weight" and for once they would agree.

My family is catching on sometimes... My friends are OBLIVIOUS. I directly tell them things. They offered me food once and I was like "No thanks I'm on a diet"- and they laughed, because it was a joke. They offered again and I said "Actually, it is more of a STARVE" and I even left the emphasis on that word. They thought I was still joking, and put the food in their own mouths.

It is funny... But I will not die from this. Just get really stick thin. Because I want to- not because I have no choice.

I threw out an entire meal today... it was a good day.
Also people are rejecting me, neglecting me, and I'm pretty much going to be lonely soon. But winter break will not be bad at all because I will take walks.

I can't run in this heat (heat= sarcasm for Fucking cold).

Stay Beautiful

Possible

Good news finally. I skipped out on dinner, I made myself a plate, didn't touch it, and threw it out. I hope I don't get caught for this yet.

Also I did research of a place called the Renfrew Center. I want to be serious enough to have to go there.

Its my Thinspo right now. great huh? I downloaded a documentary on it I think, or maybe it is just a video about thin people... I don't remember. But don't blame me for my memory, I'm high... hunger. It is great.

I am rewarding myself for this. I'm so sorry... school is beating my down... and I'm not ready. But this is all I want to do right now. School hurts. It hurts. This isn't pain... this is wonder.

Today is a failure, because I can't do everything.

Stay Beautiful

Not enough

You aren't being punished
you aren't punishing yourself.

Why...?

...

You are not even trying. You lay down RELAXED. Since when do we relax?
You are listening to music. This is like a treat. I'm pressuring you to do it.

...

I'm making you think about it. There is rain outside. Just go outside as you are, and walk. It should be easy.

Walk with no shirt on? I will get so cold...

but you deserve it. And anyway... you already are cold. Cold because you ran out of energy. There is no power left in you.

It is raining harder.
It is raining harder.


Stay Beautiful

Should be somewhere

I should be working my butt off somewhere else. Right now I should be tired, and hardly rested. In pain.
But I'm home. I haven't even done anything for the school work I HAVE to try. I have to try.
I'm not ready. I am not healthy right now. And I have eaten so much. I'm just not emotionally ready for schoolwork. I don't know how. I mean... I'm going to just talk in circles- sorry- If I read words, I have a burning in my forehead. Thoughts of what I can do right now for school burn out. And I think of food. Then I try to fight and think about my body. But I can't. I can't focus. So difficult.
Right now I feel hopeless. I'm not ready for anything.

You ate lunch.
I have eaten more than that... I'm closign my eyes. I can't take this anymore.
I can't stand you. You don't have the power to do anything. What do you think I feel? You say you are tired? I'm frustrated. I'm grieving, I have to carry the regret your actions cause. Why can't you just do things right. Starve yourself. Run. Hurt. Pain will do you a lot of good.
I'm not ready.
Hell. Punish yourself.
I don't think i can.
You can. There is time. That is all you need to punish.
I'm not ready.
Neither am I.

So F-F likes someone else. Actually, after the first shock, it made me happy. I'm ashamed though, because I knew I didn't like her that much. I know that sometimes guys do what I did, they like a girl a lot just because they think she likes them. I KNOW that. And I did it. Thankfully she doesn't like me. She just wants me as a friend. Which means I don't have to feel bad about hiding this from her. I can be her friend. She won't try to stop... Actually she would if she knew. She puts a lot of care into her friendships. Although her friends do not do the same to her. I can say I like her still. It is safe. She trusts me too. All of this is wonderful, they way it worked out. It could have been worse. Especially if she likes me.
But she asked me about another guy. Told me she likes him. She said it so well. She said that she couldn't stop thinking about him, and when he leaves she wanted him to not go, and she asked me if that was how it feels to be in a crush. First, those words crushed me. But the liberated me from the cage I restricted myself to. The fear I had welded around me. I'm no longer afraid, and now I have a friend that talks to me like she does to no one else. She confides in me, and that is what I want. It sounds better than being a boyfriend girlfriend.

I'm sorry... I'm horrible.


Stay Beautiful

Cold People

I will never be cured on the inside. You can feed me anything, and as much as you like of it. And I will never be changed.

I think I lost a potential friend. I was talking to someone online about "diets" and although I have never tried the ABC diet, I alluded to it by directly saying "ABC Diet." They googled it, and were instantly repellent to me.
Would F-F do this to me? Would she demand I get help before she is near me? Am I really that sick? I'm all the sudden so sad.

Why do anorexic people get shunned? Why would you do that to someone who is in pain?
I deserve this.
But it really sucks.


I managed to binge on spinach today.
And then eat a normal meal. Bloated...

Also that Taylor guy-actor for New Moon (plays Jacob Black). I used him today as ab-spo. I might already have abs like his, but I want better. So I was aiming to get better than that punk all day. The attention he gets is mostly good. The attention I get... breaks at me.

Luky

Lucky without a c.

Well, I didn't do anything for an entire project that was a final. And I did really well on it. And I'm not fat yet. And I have audition camp this weekend and I'm feeling the vibe I'm going to make it. Even though I'm not ready at all.

I'm really lucky.

F-F is really understanding, and she is like me. She doesn't pester me ever- I would like more attention from her, but that could be dangerous because I tend to want nothing more than that- she doesn't expect too much. She gives as much as she receives. I'm really lucky to have her in my life.

I'm plain lucky. I saw a movie with the young Brad Pitt in it; that body looks like mine. I'm like the young Brad Pitt, except I'm pretty sure he was older than 18 at the time of that film. So I might be luckier.

Thanks for all this luck

Stay Beautiful

I deserve punishment

PUNISHMENT
You need to be punished.
yes.
you know what to do.
I'm sorry. I ate so much today... I was so cold.
you will know cold. Take a cold shower tonight; that is your punishment.
I will use the food. With the food I can work harder.
You are lying to me. With the food you don't have me, you are nothing but the husk of a thing you think is good enough to be human.
You are scum. Your brain is formless mush, your thoughts are immobile static, your body is fat.
I saw myself in the mirror today...
And what did you think?
I need rest.
You won't get better with rest.
okay, it was disgusting. I felt like nothing. I even looked weaker.
Do you see what happens when I leave?
But I don't think I'm ready for this.
You must be willing to accept punishment. Without that readiness, you will not be prepared to forge the greatness beyond it. Discipline requires practice. You fell out of the hunger cycle, you gave into the cold. Now you must retrace your steps, walk through the cold, back to the hunger, and taste the beauty.
Just remember Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

I'm ready.

Thinking about posting a lot

One of my friends, Watson, said tonight "now I know how it feels to be anorexic."
you don't even notice that I'm anorexic...

I volunteered at a lavishly rich party where there was caviar, and mashed potato martinis and random pies and luscious cheeses and everything rich people eat. I DIDN'T EAT A THING. And I was actually tempted... So so tempted. Watson hardly ate, but the food was so rich that it filled him up; thus the "now I know..." He said it felt like he hadn't eaten but was full.
I was empty. I hadn't eaten. I had nothing but water that whole party, spending as much or more energy than you. its hard. Being anorexic is freaking hard.

You don't know how it feels, because you can never be satisfied as an anorexic. Its always that your body needs to be thinner, or you are hungry/tempted and it is killing you, or you are empty, but you aren't normal. You are suffering from an illness.

We collected $104 of donations tonight.

A girl flirted with me tonight. She was nice. Her name is S. (I don't disclose actual names). It was pretty obvious to me... she was really nice, and sometimes she smiled too much to me and only me. You should put your best face forward, but don't focus it on me please... unless...
I want to kill the picky me. I'm tired of no one being good enough. But it is almost true.
I have seen Perfection. She is the reason why communicating with F-F halted for a time. I still have feelings for F-F. I still like her, I still romanticize about forever, and tomorrow, and just us. Perfection is a sort of an obstacle to me. When I let Perfection enter my mind... I get angry. Perfection can't be reached. I do not ever see Perfection in my everyday life. If you told me to choose between Perfection and F-F, I would choose F-F; but I know that I only want to see Perfection die. I want to see Her life end, so that I never have to think about her again.
I never have to think... that what I want... is actually out there.


She looks likes she might be one of us...

Stay Beautiful

You don't need food to give blood

Seriously you don't.

And then tonight I binged. So horrible, my mother brought home steak, and they gave me a whole one... you know I should have come up with some excuse. I don't care much for steak anymore; I love to cook it, but eating it just isn't the same. And I ate half a winter squash. same thing. Should have had half that amount.

But I communicated with F-F today. Her daily life excites me with all the boring details. A sane person would be more interested in something else with her. But it is so interesting to me how she messed up and got a zero on an assignment and knows her mother checks her grades and will get angry. My mother was never that competent with checking my grades, and so I always was hit with one huge slam when I didn't do my work.

Speaking of school... I got lucky. I had project due dates moved, and work was accomplished just enough to survive the latest of the tempest before finals. I'm afraid of my grades, but I am also confident that most of this is going to work out.

I am so fat at this moment. When i looked at myself in the mirror after eating that steak I looked like a pregnant woman (with male gonads). Sorry for the disgusting imagery there, I did think it was semi-attractive, but at the same time I was able to just hold my body a different way, pull in the abdominal muscles and standing with a straighter posture, and I looked thin again. As soon as I let go I was a slob. I'm confident I have no change. Even if I was to try to gain weight from the binge, I still have to recover from giving blood. Which was awesome. I got a free ice cream coupon, and I gave it away to a girl in my last class. I'm quite sure there is not a romantic interest for me by her. But I'm really dull to this sometimes. She thinks I am a good guy because I tell her all the time I can cook and stuff, but she is always boy crazy for someone else. I suspect no trouble from her, and even if there is something on her side... I'm not interested in her. She is tall, and blonde, blue eyes, and thin by the standards of society, but if I look at her she isn't small enough. Yes I'm cruel with my judgment, so I feel kinda bad, Because in my head I am so mean, I try to be nice in person.

Also diving into some random books I downloaded online. I'm sad... I can not find ANYTHING on Anorexia. I want a scientific paper, or a book of some kind that goes into detail about anorexia. It frustrates me how I never find anything on the subject. I am in the process of downloading a handbook on eating disorders, but I suspect it is old, mostly useless, and I will not be satisfied with it.

Gosh... my veins are so vivid right now. It must be from giving blood. I love this... I just want to give blood again.
Who knows... I might save your life! My blood is O+, I can give to lots of people!
Today, I concluded you don't need food to give blood. You just need the will to not fall asleep... the whole day long. Haha. Take care!

Stay Beautiful