Trash Day

The dumpster truck came by to pick up the trash today. I'm so bad at being a responsible adult that sometimes I leave it empty. But then again I live alone and I don't generate much trash. I've forgotten before and having two weeks of trash at a time isn't too much since I'm pretty low waste generally. Its one of the environmental benefits of calorie restriction.


The small things break me down. I hate the feeling of looking to scotch tape on Christmas day to wrap some presents. I hate how I lament on how I've done this three years consecutively. I have a semiserious case of first world anxieties.


My weight is up 3lbs. 5lbs if I weigh with clothes on since I still have to wear so much to stay warm. I'm upset about it every time I can spare a second.
My cat got a feeding bowl for christmas, so far its been stressing her out. Hopefully she adjusts fine. For now I'll have to evict her from my lap because I have somewhere to be.

Meow.

Content creation

I've stabilized around 125lbs.


For such a long time that was the goal.

Now it feels like the goal is to just get a little worse so that I collapse.
Maybe then I won't say no to therapy.


I know what I really want. I know this isn't the way to get it. But this is my way of painting the picture that I want to see. Hunger is my palette.  Caffeine my brush.  Water my canvass.



I actually looked it up. There is an eating disorder clinic something like 5.3 miles away from me on one of the cross streets I currently live on.

I can't go.



I'm not ready to be honest with anyone. I'm not even honest to this blog. Fuck being honest. Who deserves the truth from me anyways? I earned my secrets and I'm hiding them simply because telling the secrets puts me in more danger than keeping hidden.
Also some of my secrets are damn embarrass to talk about.


I'd much rather talk about how I cleaned my fridge. It looks so nice when it has almost nothing in it. Haha... I was even scared to eat fucking kale. I don't know why... since the carotenoid antioxidants do so well for my mind.

What can I say... dietary sabotage is an excellent hobby. 

Swallow your pride with your words

I fucking hate relying on others.


But if there is something I've learned about success it is how much easier it is to succeed when you have the help of others.


I've used pro-ana communities to motivate myself to get to lower numbers than ever before because I feel like I am being held accountable. I've gotten jobs from my parents job searching for me. I've had teachers pass me when I had less than a passing grade. I guess I could search my memory for more, but these statements feel relevant enough. It should be sufficient to say that I would not have taken many steps forward if I didn't have people that would lift my feet for me.


Which brings me to my current state. In my mind I keep telling myself that I've gained 10 lbs. In reality its more like 5 lbs, but I'm mentally preparing myself for what I will term recovery. But I have a nagging sensation to drag myself back. The people around me would pull me towards a healthy weight, but I just want to lose 10 again. I want to be the lowest I've ever been.


Its funny. I wanted to tell someone this is a low point in my life. And before the words left my mouth I had to swallow them because I knew I have worse in store.



I'm not sure what will become of me.

unnaturalbenos

I just hate how I have to live my life... where it feels like all the people in my real life can't be told all the secrets I have or the real reason why I'm 6'1" and 125lbs. That I actually try to be this weight, and if I had the willpower I'd be lower and closer to death. I actually want to flirt with death... and its not something that I can explain. Its like trying to explain why grey is my favorite color. I can find all the reasons in my head for it, but its still not going to make grey into a colorful color that other people like. Its still going to be dull to them. My state of mind is still going to be sick when I tell them why I feel this way. I'm tired of lying, but I know as soon as I tell the truth I'll lose my freedom to do what I do without resistance. I don't want to have to fight other people over my personal decisions, and the less they know the better. But why do I hate keeping the secret?

Commitment

I've never wanted to commit to anything.

Or at least... the things I've wanted to commit for I haven't had the balls to commit for and everything else that was easy enough to commit to was just convenient and there.

I really want to tell the girl that is texting me that she happened to be there. That I don't want to commit. That I just don't like the music she plays, or the weight she is, or the things she talks about. I really do listen to her, but I just don't see myself enjoying her words for very long. I don't want to change her.

Doesn't this happen to anyone else? What you are given just isn't what you want?


Although I can say that there are many things I have that I love to have. for instance all the food I've been binge-ing on. I've been loving it because I'm such a fatty. I have 14 containers of truffles, 12 boxes of perfect bars, a giant bag of pita chips, I just finished vegetarian pizza, I finished a greek yogurt that I ate with flaxmeal... all of this after a fast on Sunday. LOL. One day of not eating and then I'm stuffing my fat chops for 3 days straight. I'll never drop weight this way.


I've been active on peach. I love peach so far. I like being able to express how mildly disordered I am. I even took a mirror selfie. Its funny because I've been teasing that I'll leave pictures here for a while and I just get a different outlet and take a picture right away. I want so badly to fit in.


Maybe I just don't deserve it.

The 15th will be harder than the 14th

I purposely didn't message anyone on valentines day.

Well... I did reply back to one message. And I texted people back when they texted me. But I didn't send a valentines message.

Because I'm trying to realize that I'm not ready.


Dammit I want to be loved. I want to love. I want...
But I've been trying to teach myself for a while now that love isn't just about want. Its about fulfillment. Its adventure. Exploration. Its the comfort of gamaaminobutyricacid when you touch because your amygdala is quelled. The rush of dopamine when sunshine hits your pituitary gland. The oxytocin you share the oxygen you share the carbon dioxide you share the making-out you share.

I'm not sure what love is... maybe some of the CO2 I'm breathing is going to my brain and I'm trying to think with necrotic neurons.

I felt like all day today I was dying. Like I took too many blood thinners and I was a bruise away from bleeding out or a minute of holding my breath or locking my knees from fainting. My feet are currently asleep, but maybe that is because I'm sitting like a perched hermit. I'm in a house with 4 other people right now and I have total privacy, but I crave being alone.



I think that I want to be alone. But then I'm so confused because empty just doesn't feel right.

Valentines Nightmare

I had an incredible nightmare.

I was transitioning into a new home, but I was homeless for just a few nights. I saw a laundromat that was open 24 hours and decided to curl up in a blanket and sleep there. But then more and more homeless came and i felt less and less safe with all of them around.
I had brought a girl over to see my parents. She was thin. For some reason they weighed her. They didn't like her weight and said there was a problem. Then it was my turn to get weighed, but first I left to 'use the restroom' and filled my pockets with change. I had to move stiffly to not make a lot of noise and I prayed they wouldn't make me empty my pockets or think my weight was unacceptable even with the coins in my pockets. I woke up right after stepping on the scale.


Of course... this was a dream so I was at least 5lbs lighter.


But you know... one can dream.

Do I love me?

I'm surprised its Valentines day.

Also I'm not convinced when she told me that she could give up food for love. I don't even remember when I heard it, but I've heard her say it.

1. you wouldn't.

2. that is my job.


Although I'll probably give up both... Once I figure out how to give up food. Haha... I've been a pig.


I'm at least consistently weighing in at 125lbs. I've really gained 125lbs as a stable weight. It feels good to be stabilized here. I lay down and my hip bones are incredibly obvious to me and my back feels like its made of bone.
Its funny to me the downsides of this weight is that I actually felt like my arms were flabby today. I've got tiny arms, but I shouldn't be able to feel my flesh jiggle when i walk...

I'll just have to lose the weight. That will solve the problem.


Ugh I also burned the roof of my mouth. I was cooking zucchini with nutritional yeast and coconut oil and the oil and yeast mixture literally blistered my mouth because I didn't let it cool first. I was... just... starving.
FML.

I feel like I should give up sandwiches for lent. If I give up sandwiches I'll lose weight I bet.
I'm not even catholic, but I'll take any excuse to die a little slower.


School is killing me. I stress ate so much today. I'm just hoping that I can be better tomorrow.


And yet... I'm planning on cooking myself a big homemade meal with my new homemade vegan gluten free country style gravy that I've been raving about.


I'm also going to take a huge risk. I'm hoping it pays off.
I mean... I'm taking a bigger risk than the usual ones. I'm going to lose over half my money doing this. But mentally I've already committed to it.

Finally, if you have a peach add me :D
forgetremembering

<3 p="">

Do you want to be fearless?

Its actually difficult to gain weight.


I mean its also difficult to lose weight.


What is truly difficult is to change a person. This is why gaining weight is so hard. Its uncomfortable for me to eat outside of my spectrum of acceptable foods. And a larger quantity of food can cause discomfort as well. The change in mood that comes with different nutrients takes adjusting to... and sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and pretend the day never started.


I was especially aghast (is this even the proper use for the word aghast?) when a friend told me "well you look happy today. Are you always this happy?"

It was so easy to be honest to that question and just say no. Because no other explanation was needed.

But when someone asks "how are you?"... it can be so frustrating to want to say "well I don't know what is wrong, but everything feels wrong and its felt wrong for years and you probably know a little of what I am talking about, yet you still would rather hear me say 'good' in response even though that makes me uncomfortable"

Me personally... Its hard for me to believe everyone asking the question is 'good' themselves. They just ran out of creative ways to say hello so they stick to conversational conventions.

I don't know if I'll ever change to accept what is normal.


I just don't think I'd gain anything I want from that acceptance.





So I've been eating a lot. But I doubt its changed much. In fact even though I'll probably gain to 130lbs by valentines day I feel confident I can be this comfortable 125lbs again before April starts. I think the number only matters because of its symbolic importance. You don't feel sick unless the number says so. Even with the number it doesn't feel like enough.


I've had mandarins, sugar free gum, and a coffee that I added cool fad supplements to this morning. I'm going to work where I'll order a sandwich for lunch I think... And then tonight I'll do something with vegetables. Today will be a balanced day when it comes to my diet. But I'm craving the clean feeling you get from a fast. I know I'll struggle, but I just want to feel pure again.

I'm just trying to explain things

I've  sabotaged myself over and over again. I'll never make progress fighting against myself.

I feel like the only thing I can keep thin is my blood from taking all the supplements I take. And even then its just exchanging money that I should be spending on basic survival on vanity.

I'm literally such a health freak that if I don't drink 4-8 liters of water a day I feel terrible. I have to sleep 7 hours. I drink tea all the time. I'll eat any plate of greens put in front of me regardless of my caloric plans. I crave cashew butter and almond butter all the time. I'll be offered a donut and not bat an eye refusing it. I've been given an honest-Tea and a gatorate and candy bars from small contests and I haven't eaten any of it. But give me peanut butter. It feels like eating happiness.


All the mental barriers I've constructed around food are just there to satisfy my need for control. I'm such a good person when its been 7 years since my last hamburger or whatever.

I see the world though a warped as fuck lens. I don't know what some of the food other people eat looks like to them because for me its just mentally saying no over and over again. There are foods that when I eat them I feel like I've broken a promise. Chewing and feeling untrustworthy aren't a savorable combination.



I saw a friend. She literally grabbed my hipbone when we hugged.
If she knew everything I still think of. If she knew about the chat groups, the blog, the forum posts, the inner thoughts, the few and far between fasting or dieting days... She would tell me to stop or try to encourage me to find help. But I just want help losing weight.

Like I wish... I could ask for meds to lose weight and not be given meds to fix my brain.


It just feels to me like anyone trying to stop me is trying to cure the wrong part of me.

Include all

I don't know what is going to kill me.

But sometimes
It feels like all the important things i forget are going to end my life.


I'm terrible about doing things in the right order. When I was younger I would accidentally read the second book of a series before the first. I don't even know why I feel like that detail is important.
I'm pathetic. I don't know if I've ever been more incapable at any point in my life than how I have been lately.

I've been weak willed. I couldn't hold to my food plan yesterday, and then when I tried to eat what I planned to eat I couldn't because I ate earlier. I weighed at 123.4 lbs yesterday morning. Haven't weighed today, but if I do I'll be heavy because I've eaten. Eating makes me heavy and therefore even more of a failure.
I'm at the point of my life where just being successful at being anorexic would be a success in my eyes.
I can't even use my eyes to cry. I feel like I'm a zombie because I can't even get emotional. I just generate trash and complain and am passive aggressive at all times.

My room smells like a used diaper from the doorway, but I can't figure out what it is because I'm so terrible at getting my life together.

I don't even think I'm suicidal right now. I just want to be isolated in some sort of mental health care facility and given a break from everything. But its against my nature. Maybe even against my nurture... it was pretty hard for my sister to accept that sort of care when she was my age.


I didn't say my new years resolution in my previous posts because I wasn't sure if this is a safe place to post these sorts of things, but I'm trying to let go of those feelings. They will only make things worse if I keep them within me.


When I was thinking about new years resolutions only one thing stuck in my mind. I feel like I won't have accomplished my goals unless I get hospitalized for my weight.

Impressions

2 am.
I can't sleep.
I need to know how much I weigh.

131.4 lbs with clothes on.
Remove 3 sweaters, pants...
126.0 lbs

Its expected. Late at night weight fluctuates higher. Tomorrow morning will be a better number.

I'm already thinking about when I'm going to eat next.
It feels like I'm cheating
Just thinking
of eating.


I still don't understand entirely what down to earth means. I don't feel down to earth. I feel like I'm grounded in my idealism of what a good life is and those chains bind me to my mind instead of reality. If it doesn't fit in my perfect world I can't have it.
Earth is definitely not a perfect world.



I've been thinking a lot about lavender. Its a beautiful color. Its a beautiful scent. But to me... its a beautiful name.

Diagnose me Captain

124.0lbs 12:00pm

Intake is 2 cups of broccoli, 2 tablespoons olive oil, a cookie, a kombucha, a 100 calorie packet of seaweed, and 3 artichokes. I'd estimate water intake to be 4 liters. An activity tracker says 7,000 steps.
Supplements include mushroom coffee, 2.5 grams EPA+DHA fish oil, 250mg chewable vitamin C, HearthSmart (A,D,K2) and 50 billion probiotics.

Welcome to paradise