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I don't know what is going to kill me.

But sometimes
It feels like all the important things i forget are going to end my life.


I'm terrible about doing things in the right order. When I was younger I would accidentally read the second book of a series before the first. I don't even know why I feel like that detail is important.
I'm pathetic. I don't know if I've ever been more incapable at any point in my life than how I have been lately.

I've been weak willed. I couldn't hold to my food plan yesterday, and then when I tried to eat what I planned to eat I couldn't because I ate earlier. I weighed at 123.4 lbs yesterday morning. Haven't weighed today, but if I do I'll be heavy because I've eaten. Eating makes me heavy and therefore even more of a failure.
I'm at the point of my life where just being successful at being anorexic would be a success in my eyes.
I can't even use my eyes to cry. I feel like I'm a zombie because I can't even get emotional. I just generate trash and complain and am passive aggressive at all times.

My room smells like a used diaper from the doorway, but I can't figure out what it is because I'm so terrible at getting my life together.

I don't even think I'm suicidal right now. I just want to be isolated in some sort of mental health care facility and given a break from everything. But its against my nature. Maybe even against my nurture... it was pretty hard for my sister to accept that sort of care when she was my age.


I didn't say my new years resolution in my previous posts because I wasn't sure if this is a safe place to post these sorts of things, but I'm trying to let go of those feelings. They will only make things worse if I keep them within me.


When I was thinking about new years resolutions only one thing stuck in my mind. I feel like I won't have accomplished my goals unless I get hospitalized for my weight.