Do you want to be fearless?

Its actually difficult to gain weight.


I mean its also difficult to lose weight.


What is truly difficult is to change a person. This is why gaining weight is so hard. Its uncomfortable for me to eat outside of my spectrum of acceptable foods. And a larger quantity of food can cause discomfort as well. The change in mood that comes with different nutrients takes adjusting to... and sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and pretend the day never started.


I was especially aghast (is this even the proper use for the word aghast?) when a friend told me "well you look happy today. Are you always this happy?"

It was so easy to be honest to that question and just say no. Because no other explanation was needed.

But when someone asks "how are you?"... it can be so frustrating to want to say "well I don't know what is wrong, but everything feels wrong and its felt wrong for years and you probably know a little of what I am talking about, yet you still would rather hear me say 'good' in response even though that makes me uncomfortable"

Me personally... Its hard for me to believe everyone asking the question is 'good' themselves. They just ran out of creative ways to say hello so they stick to conversational conventions.

I don't know if I'll ever change to accept what is normal.


I just don't think I'd gain anything I want from that acceptance.





So I've been eating a lot. But I doubt its changed much. In fact even though I'll probably gain to 130lbs by valentines day I feel confident I can be this comfortable 125lbs again before April starts. I think the number only matters because of its symbolic importance. You don't feel sick unless the number says so. Even with the number it doesn't feel like enough.


I've had mandarins, sugar free gum, and a coffee that I added cool fad supplements to this morning. I'm going to work where I'll order a sandwich for lunch I think... And then tonight I'll do something with vegetables. Today will be a balanced day when it comes to my diet. But I'm craving the clean feeling you get from a fast. I know I'll struggle, but I just want to feel pure again.