I'm just trying to explain things

I've  sabotaged myself over and over again. I'll never make progress fighting against myself.

I feel like the only thing I can keep thin is my blood from taking all the supplements I take. And even then its just exchanging money that I should be spending on basic survival on vanity.

I'm literally such a health freak that if I don't drink 4-8 liters of water a day I feel terrible. I have to sleep 7 hours. I drink tea all the time. I'll eat any plate of greens put in front of me regardless of my caloric plans. I crave cashew butter and almond butter all the time. I'll be offered a donut and not bat an eye refusing it. I've been given an honest-Tea and a gatorate and candy bars from small contests and I haven't eaten any of it. But give me peanut butter. It feels like eating happiness.


All the mental barriers I've constructed around food are just there to satisfy my need for control. I'm such a good person when its been 7 years since my last hamburger or whatever.

I see the world though a warped as fuck lens. I don't know what some of the food other people eat looks like to them because for me its just mentally saying no over and over again. There are foods that when I eat them I feel like I've broken a promise. Chewing and feeling untrustworthy aren't a savorable combination.



I saw a friend. She literally grabbed my hipbone when we hugged.
If she knew everything I still think of. If she knew about the chat groups, the blog, the forum posts, the inner thoughts, the few and far between fasting or dieting days... She would tell me to stop or try to encourage me to find help. But I just want help losing weight.

Like I wish... I could ask for meds to lose weight and not be given meds to fix my brain.


It just feels to me like anyone trying to stop me is trying to cure the wrong part of me.