unnaturalbenos

I just hate how I have to live my life... where it feels like all the people in my real life can't be told all the secrets I have or the real reason why I'm 6'1" and 125lbs. That I actually try to be this weight, and if I had the willpower I'd be lower and closer to death. I actually want to flirt with death... and its not something that I can explain. Its like trying to explain why grey is my favorite color. I can find all the reasons in my head for it, but its still not going to make grey into a colorful color that other people like. Its still going to be dull to them. My state of mind is still going to be sick when I tell them why I feel this way. I'm tired of lying, but I know as soon as I tell the truth I'll lose my freedom to do what I do without resistance. I don't want to have to fight other people over my personal decisions, and the less they know the better. But why do I hate keeping the secret?