Swallow your pride with your words

I fucking hate relying on others.


But if there is something I've learned about success it is how much easier it is to succeed when you have the help of others.


I've used pro-ana communities to motivate myself to get to lower numbers than ever before because I feel like I am being held accountable. I've gotten jobs from my parents job searching for me. I've had teachers pass me when I had less than a passing grade. I guess I could search my memory for more, but these statements feel relevant enough. It should be sufficient to say that I would not have taken many steps forward if I didn't have people that would lift my feet for me.


Which brings me to my current state. In my mind I keep telling myself that I've gained 10 lbs. In reality its more like 5 lbs, but I'm mentally preparing myself for what I will term recovery. But I have a nagging sensation to drag myself back. The people around me would pull me towards a healthy weight, but I just want to lose 10 again. I want to be the lowest I've ever been.


Its funny. I wanted to tell someone this is a low point in my life. And before the words left my mouth I had to swallow them because I knew I have worse in store.



I'm not sure what will become of me.