Original nomenclature

Amazing right? I can be cold.

And far behind

I've spent so much time with my weakness.

I'm not sure I'm ready for much. I don't have much.

Why now?

Why do I have to keep secrets now?

I can't let people be understanding anymore...

What it was like to be inhuman.. I'll never know. I can't remember it, but I also can't forget it. I don't remember who I was, but I knew what it felt like. I felt solid back then, broken, but solid.

I guess all these wishes have gotten part of the dreams to come true.

Yet I'm not going to die.

That dream would be so easy

if only

I didn't care about you

Stay beautiful

Mixed Messages

Be angry, but don't let it out.

What sage advice right? Because if you ever let anger out of its cage... well you've taught an animal it can roam free. That boundaries can be broken when it suits your interests or a need calls.
But anger is a useful tool.
I used to always be angry and no one knew before.
Now that I've started admitting my feelings things have changed. I have to wait longer to be forgotten and the anger is not nearly as useful publicly as it was privately.

This reminds me of my own words... there are some things you can't tell people because they will try to change you when they know.

What can I do?

I think I should go back to keeping my feelings a secret.

Was here

I didn't have the confidence to go out today looking for a job. What makes me think I can attain that confidence to seek a paid position tomorrow or any day within a few weeks?

I think I did worse on the physics exam I took today than I did on my math 20A final. Or any test from that class. At least I got one problem for that class on every exam. 20/100
Has anyone reading this ever scored so low?

I can't expect greatness in my future.


I'm sad.
So I want to be left alone. Even though... love is the thing I crave. Its also the cure and I don't want to be cured. I'd like to stay sick.
I'd like to actually get sick.

I love fevers and shakes. Love being weak while thinking strong. I can survive... I'm so good at it when its the first priority.
Even though I don't want to survive for much longer.


stay beautiful

Why can't I think

I hope I die soon.


Stay beautiful

Taking time

I am supposed to conform; Follow orders.

But I never let it be that easy. Everything has to be done in my tine at the right place. And with this mind I wonder if the place will ever be alright because I've lost track of what is real because of these dreams. I don't remember what I have done because I've dreamed so many alternative plot-lines  All I remember is the feeling of dissatisfaction of messing up ever time I go back in time to change things.

The only memories that I know are real are the ones that came from smell. For some reason my nose is the only part of me on my side.
I remember the smell of a new friend.
The smell of coffee in a comfortable place where I can accomplish things.
I remember the smell of my feet right now. Its atrocious. At least I know this moment isn't another dream. Although... once I publish this post it is difficult to deny writting the content of the post itself.

But the comments.
I think one of the comments labelled anonymous is me.
But I can't remember.

I do remember seeing a goldfish alone in a bowl from a roommate. But then I can't remember what my hands did as they hovered over the keyboard. I don't remember anything else from that dream or reality.


I don't understand how I lost all this time.
I woke up and it was 8am
I think it took me an hour to get to breakfast. so 9am
it is currently 10:41am
I don't know what happened.


stay beautiful

Dear unknown

Who the fuck are you?

Where did you get the name for your blog?
It can't be entirely coincidence that you are sick as me, name your blog the same thing I named mine, and BLOCK me.
I lost control today. I'm blaming you. I really did think of you and it broke me out of my... ice.

See when I get upset i tend to freeze solid. Unbreakable. Silent. Cold. Stable.
Even the most stressful of situations and I'll never fracture that is how flawless my composure is.
But I broke today.

I would rather spend eternity in stasis than break again...
I don't care how 'invincible' I felt.
I'm dangerous...


Which is why I mastered the art of the storm. I learned how to turn my temper into an internal cyclone. Where I imagine the stress factors as a hurricane on the outside and my mind becomes the eye. Center. Calm.


I've done what I usually do.
Turn a conversation with another into a conversation about me.
This is why I hate myself.


I want to know. I'm desperate. Weak right now, but I could regain my willpower. I just have to be sick again.
I think I'm acting like a spoiled kid.
I clearly don't deserve everything I want. So no matter how much I want to know who you are and why this game is being played on me (by you or by random chance) I don't get to have that privilege.

Please person that doesn't know me
accept my apology

stay beautiful

Tell me who you are

Walls are fucking weak.
I beat the shit out of a wall today. Freaking thing cracked under my fist and I didn't even bleed. I'm not even bruised...

Its sad... all this effort to break things. It should be spent protecting what is beautiful. I think it is sad that beautiful things even need protecting... why can't we just all be safe?

I hate ugly people.
They blot out the beauty in the world. White spots where there could be a clean black slate. We could see in the darkness by the light of their beauty... the beautiful people that is. But the fat shadows of the ugly turn the beautiful into diamonds and gold. Only parts per million, buried under the ashes that made them.


I love the power of adrenaline. Being invincible to pain. Strong. The whole world simplifies to one tunnel with one light. Fight or flight.



Hi readers...
I wish I could threaten you with something like killing myself just to get you to reveal yourself. Its so selfish, but I bet you know how it feels to live a life that seems so disposable. And if you like my words... I bet you have considered throwing your life away also.
Which brings me back to why I need to protect you. For some reason you would end your beautiful life and unless I knew you I couldn't stop it.
Which is why...
i wish.
I wish you would fall for that trap.



stay beautiful

Rabbits

I'm careless

I don't listen to anything. I don't do anything. I'm not even starving myself.
Net worth is nothing.

My body manages to pretend it has done work. It has done nothing. I'm probably still capable of running 10 miles, but... I haven't tested that in about 2 months. Maybe longer.

I'm not going to get anywhere like this.
I know what it is too
I'm ashamed of myself
I don't want anyone to see me
Not even myself
Its been a long time since I've looked into my reflection.
Usually when I look I stare at myself. But I stare at everybody.
Not now... I'll avert my eyes. I don't want to feel watched by myself.

It doesn't make sense to me.


I really could be falling down the rabbit hole.
I've retreated at least twice today.
I'll bet more often than that.
I almost... almost lost myself once today.
I almost tried to disappear.

Not sure how I can get better.

Looks like I never did improve.


stay beautiful

Bridges

The lowest weight me would be more than disappointed in the current me. He would be angry at me.
Granted he hated almost everyone, which was sad because I know how lonely he was... and still is.

But I looked at myself as him a little bit ago.
I think I understand what trigger means now.
It was simultaneously standing in front of an audience of glaring faces and being that audience.
Torn between two realities I was consumed with a desire to occupy neither space and no space. I think I yearned for death, but I always dream of the end.

I went to a church once and I remember the preacher standing on some makeshift bridge telling us that our destiny awaited us on the other side and something about Jesus, God, or the Holy Spirit being on the other side with open arms. THat it was so simple to cros the bridge an no real danger was ahead. At least that is what I imagine he said.
All I could think about was what it felt like to have your bridge collapse and fall into the abyss below.


stay beautiful