If you are waiting for me to talk to you. Then NO.

He isn't available right now.  He's sitting in one place exploring a world that doesn't exist and destroying the house that he imagined.  His memories are cluttered on the floor.  Cluttered like his floor.  His face hurts, but its the fatal blow of an ugly stick... something he has always lived with.  Its nothing more than another night.

Echo.


So... do what he does.  Talk to yourself.  You'll find that keeping yourself company...  is as bad as him being the only company he has.



stay beautiful

Don't be calm

He talked in third person to her.  He didn't try to make sense.  The clearest words from his mouth were "I'm not going to argue with you.  It is only the intellectually lost who argue."
Little did she know... he didn't say anything the whole time.  He was a book.

Then I looked her in the eye and said that I was perfectly sane and she could trust me.  I was doing things with my life and working hard to be a good person.  I told her my day had been good.

And she said it was scarier that I said that so calmly than anything else I had done.



But I know how I was acting.  I was playing games.  Beautiful games.

I'm lonely.
And for some reason that matters so much to me that I find it hard to think.


I'll try to be intelligent some other time okay?

Thank you readers... the number count always changing when i go to my blog helps.  pageviews... I need to remember these words.  They are so simple...
Perspicacity: some kind of insight.  Something smart to be said or done.


Oh, I was at a Relay for Life.  The one I was supposed to Logistics for.  I set up for a lot of the event.  And... I was one of the few volunteers.  I led people that were not volunteers into helping.  And when the event started I felt so void and so much anxiety I had to go.  I couldn't stay.  People are walking right now... but I'm home because I was scared of something.  Or maybe it was the crying...
I couldn't take it anymore.
I did not belong.



stay beautiful

Chocolate chip

Have I been too busy to post?
Too tired maybe?
I don't know... maybe I've been using up my words talking to other people.


Right now I am in a pit.  So sad that I don't want to wake up tomorrow.  I want to sleep now.  But I don't think I reasonably can.  And tomorrow... tomorrow I might not sleep at all.
I'm ready to do something drastic tomorrow.
All for...  Something that no one will see.


I wish I was like you and I had the courage to put the wounds in my mind on paper or skin.  You... my listeners.  Perhaps some day I will be one of those people in the audience when it comes to this blog.

Sometimes I think of curses, the kind of magic you don't want to play with.  I think of what it would be like to lose a limb or have my voice taken from me or to be magically rendered deaf or blind or strange.  I find myself hoping a curse will fall on me and I'll have something taken away.
Right now I'm been thinking...  well I just forgot, but I'll sit here until I remember.  What if I was cursed with another personality?  What if I was cursed with DID?
But I'm not thinking what if.  I'm thinking "why can't this happen to me?"  Because I want to be sick.  I want to be so insane that you people can't help me.  I don't like the advice people give me; it won't save me from being lonely.  My problem is I am lonely.  There is no 'help' found in a pill for this.  Its sensation that can solve me.  The way to cure the soul is through the senses...
Perhaps I've been reading too much into The Picture of Dorian Gray.  I've been quoting it like I'm mad.  But I want to be mad...
At this point I'm hoping to develop a distinction between the part of me that says all these interesting things and the part of me that is conscious.  Maybe alcohol will solve all my problems.  But it is not drink I crave.

Its beauty.  I want something beautiful so bad that I feel the absence of it every second of my life.  I want something to die for!  Something for me to look at and work to have in my hands and to touch... it is only the beautiful things that are worth touching.
Again... a direct quote from Henry Watton without attribution (until now).  I'm becoming him.  A story book character, but the most brilliant character I believe in.


More than I want to believe in myself.

stay beautiful

Third again

He doesn't feel well.  Can't sleep.  Its too hard to work on school.  Why do I do this he asked himself in his head.  But there weren't any other voices to reply but his own.  He didn't know what to say.  Why did it all matter?  Where did it lead?
How much longer was the night going to be?
Words words words.  He typed more and more.
Always thinking... what is the use of these words.

What do points matter so much for anyways?  Isn't there another way?



stay beautiful

To protect humans

Confessions:
I gained a friend a while ago and found a clip where a pornstar looks like her.  I'm facinated, usually I delete these things right after seeing them, but not this one.
Oh, and I watch porn.  Its not the same as other people.  I think about what is going on in me and what is going on in the actors.  I can sense discomfort if there is any.
I visit Craigslist daily.  I look in the personals.  I'm trying to find someone lonely, local, and lunatic.  Someone I'd get along with.  I fear reading the posts written by laymen and laywomen are denting my intelligence.  I really want to stop, but its a habit now.   I literally have checked almost every day for a year at least.

That is all for now.


Now...
What a strange word.  In sign language the sign for now is the same sign for Today.  The word pretty much means the present.  This moment.  The moment the word is said.


I'm leaving this topic.  Trying to arrive somewhere by talking about something else.
Now, when I think about what I've accomplished today I feel like I've done quite a bit.  But when I try to determine how I feel right now I predominately think bloated stomach.  I wish I could have more time to deal with this issue.
I'm afraid that a friend has brought to light how multitasking can cause one to be fat.  With so much diffusion of focus meals can be excessive.  And everyone knows if you eat more than you can use you get fat.  Multi tasking doesn't just diffuse focus, but diffuses energy; the amount of energy focused on one task is lessened because another task is piggy-backing off the other.  For instance, today I played Super Smash Brothers Brawl Minus while doing push-ups between rounds.  Smash Brothers Minus is an exciting game for me, it can elevate my heart rate, and the push-ups provide a workout; a good one today because I achieved 1000 push-ups in repetitions of 40 or 30.  The point: the calories burned playing the game, while few, overlapped with the calories burned doing push-ups.  Its the same thing if you try to dance to music while cleaning or watch television while cooking.  You're not burning as much as if you did both separately.
 So this goes back to now because it makes me think of what does now mean.  Now means the one thing going on at the moment.  If that one thing is two things, then its not quite the same now...
I wonder what we call it then.


And this is completely unrelated
But I have no clue what is going on in my mind at the moment.


I wonder what is happening right
 now




stay beautiful 

California Finest

I find it funny that on Earth day I was asked to make a pledge to do something for preserving resources and the first thing that crossed my mind was to write "I will take less showers."
Most of the people wrote anything for the pledge, got a free pin, and forgot about it forever.
I didn't even write what I was thinking, did not take my complimentary pin, and its been about 5 days since I showered.  I've skipped a lot of showers since Earth day and its because when it crosses my mind to shower I think about how much of a waste of water I am.
When I do shower now its significantly shorter than it was before.
 
 
I don't say I'll do something and not do it.
 
 
stay beautiful

Butter your life

I ate chocolate chips.  Bread.  About 10 cookies.  Dinner, Lunch, breakfast, strawberries... so much.

I feel sick from eating so much.  And worse... i feel like I'm going to get fat.  And worse I haven't finished the essay due tomorrow.  And its getting late.  It is late.  Its going to be a long night.

I just want to lay down and listen to Seahorse by Johnathan Coulton.  I'm in one of those moods.  I feel alone, useless, fat, unwanted, unwonted.  The usual.

I have sugar headaches when I eat this much unhealthy food.  I don't really call them headaches because its so much weaker than the physical pain I put myself through with exercise or the lightheadedness I get from not eating enough.  Its nothing.


I need to write 3 essays and I'll have all the time in the world to mess myself up and write all I want and do things I actually want to.  Right now some part of me said I needed the bread to do this.

stay beautiful

Anomoly

So instead of talking to myself with the word I... I will be using second person to describe what I feel.  I'm about to talk to myself like I'm someone else.

You could have been at school this morning instead of in your room.  Either way I doubt you would learn anything.  But you should go to school because its what you are supposed to do.
I've noticed you got a little sunburned.  Why are you letting this happen to you?  You could get sick...  Don't you feel a little light headed?  Most people would complain that their sunburn hurts, you seem to lay around and do nothing.  You eat more, sniffle more, and lay down waiting for your skin to peel.


Now I'm going to do what I usually do.

I feel like the same person today that I was years ago.  I can't remember being any smarter in 5th grade than I am now... maybe I'm deceiving myself because I know I can't remember anything from 5th grade.  But I feel static.  I don't change, my day does and I have to live with what it gives me.  I don't see anything changing.  Maybe that is why I feel so trapped...


Today is the best day to work through the pain...  But its so strange to see myself sitting here.  I feel like I've burnt out and that life was too short.
I'll find something else to do.