Poison

I have to apologize in this sentence: so sorry. I mean, I just gained some followers and then I stop updating.
That doesn't say good things about me. But none of my actions say anything good about me.


I have been hitting a wall. For some reason everything is hard. The rock climbing, which to me felt simple and easy is still hurting my forearms.
I'm tired of complaining that everything isn't easy.

I gained an assload of weight. I'm fat. Its gross. I had fasted for 2 days, but that didn't help because I went right back to meals again and while my metabolism isn't inhibited yet from my habits I haven't really been doing anything to work it off. I seriously lost any semblance of a six pack. I'm on vacation.
But do I need that vain illustration of lines on my stomach that we call a six pack?

I think about it. What are my goals? After all, if I do reach my goal weight I'm not going to be strong like I am. Strength to me is everything; that is why after I reach my goal weight I plan to go up. Yes, I plan to gain weight from my low weight so that I can see where I want to stop. What is the medium between thin enough and strong enough. Sorry if I have a different view, but I'm a realist as much as an idealist. If I have all the wealth in the world it isn't as useful without the most health you can have.
Yet... Not all of us want to be healthy. Many of us want to die. I... Don't know where I am there. Seriously if I could walk away from everything I have and return months later I would. I mean everything.


Okay... I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I ate lasagna. I had breakfast. Then I went to sleep again and when I woke up I had breakfast again.
And still... My mother asked me why I couldn't have seconds when it was just us (yesterday my friend was over and I ate seconds...- because I'm stupid). I'm looking at her thinking... why can't I just throw out my meals?

There is nothing to be suspicious about.


Sometimes I wonder; who am I lying to?
Her?
Me?
Or is what I am saying making no sense?
Is everything I say wrong?
Is being wrong a lie?



I'm unfocused. I always am. But I have the rest of the week off of work. I'll find something to do with the time. I will not waste my time.


Stay Beautiful