Day Mother

I hate how my grandma gives a tip.

Today is mothers day, another setback because I have yet to complete my final paper- 1 more thing to get done...
And I'm free after that. I'll starve when I want.

Setback: I had to go out to dinner. At the Olive Garden. It was my first time ever to be there, and i had to go with my grandma. By a turn of Fate my own Mother had gone on a trip for the weekend, and I had supplied her with every dollar in my wallet. So when I had lunch with my grandma I had nothing to use but my card, and my grandma wasn't going to let me pay anyway. The point is... SHE DOESN'T TIP.
God damn that was embarrassing. It pissed me off so bad.
Have you ever seen a waitress's face when you give them something that was HALF of what they earned? My grandma does things like special requests all over the place. The girl serving us did everything quickly, and even overproduced my grandma's wishes. AND SHE GETS 3 DOLLARS.
I wanted to drive right back there and pay the person once I got my money... but the thing is... I got money at 7pm. We ate at 11am.

This could really bring me down if I let it...



...

Which reminds me...
Don't have me as a boyfriend ever.
I make a horrible boyfriend.
I even make a bad friend. But at least that doesn't hurt me on the inside.

"Bye everyone! Heading to the airport now."
...
Bye...
...



Can I ever forgive myself?
Perhaps I should explain.
Its been hard on me. I haven't talked much about her here, but she is anorexic. She has so much more killing her on top of anorexia though. I fear every day she could die.
Right now she is pregnant with twins.
From rape.

I'm useless to her. She doesn't even feel anything for me anymore. And I'm afraid to get closer.
I don't want to hurt her more.
I don't want to force her to like me again.
I don't want to lose her.

Getting closer...
I think I could lose...
I don't even know what I am trying to say. In my mind there is now excuse. In my mind part of her already died. We already broke up. But no.
We never broke up. And why would I?
Why would I think about anyone else when I am bad enough as it is.
I just want to feel wanted now.


I want to feel wanted.


I wish I had someone that just wanted my body. Because I don't. I'm done with my body.
Let me start again at zero.
I'll get here again.

Right now I have nothing to do
but go farther...
Hurt more...
Starve.

Actually starve.
Be hungry.


I'll kill you
Stay Beautiful