Cheating Thinking

I finished Drum Corps Camp.
There was a new guy that was thinner than me. People called him string bean. He is my current goal weight (130) and he was only one inch shorter. He was 20 years old.
At first I was jealous, then I noticed how much of a weakling he was. Especially compared to me.

Okay, I don't want to brag- I can hardly accept a compliment from the instructors at drum corps- but I can hold up my horn. It hurts, its heavy, it takes a lot more than effort and skill. It takes conditioning. Some of that conditioning caused me to 'gain' heavy muscle. But I STILL think I can lose weight.

My weight fluctuates a little, but not much. Because I easily burn off fat. I might even easily lose muscle, but I am always working to gain more strength. So I don't know how realistic my goals are.

I hate people, all the people at the drum corps are afraid of me. And then I overheard something.
One of the parents almost called me out. She watched me skip one meal (I skipped a WHOLE meal in drum corps, its hard to do that if you didn't know) and I ate hardly anything (380 calories) of the next meal. In Drum Corps, I'm pretty sure I burn well over 2,000 calories a day.
So I ate for the rest of the ordeal. I even talked to the parent that was suspicious. I talked about cooking, told her the food was amazing, thanked her for volunteering, took seconds in front of her (and in that she told me to have cake, but I refused because CAKE IS GROSS- it doesn't even taste good- so I told her I don't like certain foods, but I have a weakness for vegetables). I hate covering for this... I wish people could accept it.

I know what I am doing is killing myself. But if I had a knife to my skin, and I used it, would you have a right to stop me?
What if it isn't going to kill me?
What if all I am doing is making a little scratch?
What if all I really wanted to do was skip a meal?


We will not get our rights for a long time. People have no respect for self-harm or suicide.

Stay Beautiful