Mature

I can't have this mature button up any longer.

Subject Of The On

The time passes by.  It seems my only goal is to make my eyes more and more bloodshot.  I've been trying to lose sleep, and trying to play more and more video games.  There comes a time when nothing is fun.
 
I'm running out of time.  I can't be lazy anymore.
The good news is, the path ahead doesn't scare me at all.  I anticipate it.  I want to leave behind where I am.
 
 
Sometimes I don't motivate myself.
I can tell right now I don't want motivation.
But I know where it is when I want it.
 
Why do I even try?

---

The New Busy is not the too busy. Combine all your e-mail accounts with Hotmail. Get busy.

Poison

I have to apologize in this sentence: so sorry. I mean, I just gained some followers and then I stop updating.
That doesn't say good things about me. But none of my actions say anything good about me.


I have been hitting a wall. For some reason everything is hard. The rock climbing, which to me felt simple and easy is still hurting my forearms.
I'm tired of complaining that everything isn't easy.

I gained an assload of weight. I'm fat. Its gross. I had fasted for 2 days, but that didn't help because I went right back to meals again and while my metabolism isn't inhibited yet from my habits I haven't really been doing anything to work it off. I seriously lost any semblance of a six pack. I'm on vacation.
But do I need that vain illustration of lines on my stomach that we call a six pack?

I think about it. What are my goals? After all, if I do reach my goal weight I'm not going to be strong like I am. Strength to me is everything; that is why after I reach my goal weight I plan to go up. Yes, I plan to gain weight from my low weight so that I can see where I want to stop. What is the medium between thin enough and strong enough. Sorry if I have a different view, but I'm a realist as much as an idealist. If I have all the wealth in the world it isn't as useful without the most health you can have.
Yet... Not all of us want to be healthy. Many of us want to die. I... Don't know where I am there. Seriously if I could walk away from everything I have and return months later I would. I mean everything.


Okay... I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I ate lasagna. I had breakfast. Then I went to sleep again and when I woke up I had breakfast again.
And still... My mother asked me why I couldn't have seconds when it was just us (yesterday my friend was over and I ate seconds...- because I'm stupid). I'm looking at her thinking... why can't I just throw out my meals?

There is nothing to be suspicious about.


Sometimes I wonder; who am I lying to?
Her?
Me?
Or is what I am saying making no sense?
Is everything I say wrong?
Is being wrong a lie?



I'm unfocused. I always am. But I have the rest of the week off of work. I'll find something to do with the time. I will not waste my time.


Stay Beautiful

Quick 100

So this is post 100.
Celebration.

Really I don't care much. What I do care about is what happened today.
Work, literally woke up and left. Food, I had 3 apples, tea, milk, and a pickle, and I have been awake and on my feet for most of the day starting at 9am and ending at 11pm.
Things are clearing up on the inside.

This is the second day I have skipped dinner in a row. Tomorrow I do an intensive activity. Maybe a bike ride for about 10 miles, maybe rock climbing, maybe both. I'm not going to work too hard if I can. But I'll see how it goes.

Never eat unless you are hungry
Today I was at work on my lunch and a coworker asked me "aren't you going to eat?"
I told her I have strange eating habits that vary even more on the weekend. I live off of carrots, apples and tea I said. Most of the time I am invisible at work. Especially when you compare me to the other guys, after all I'm just a tech junkie compared to a polite Mormon and an avid tennis player, or a pretty normal guy that speaks his mind. Most of the time I just fade into the background...
I work alone. No one should care what I eat.
Today at work I had 2 kids walk into my store before I was going to close. I showed them my unicycle and talked to them about stuff. These kids were about 10 years old, and for fun I put tape over one of the signs at work so that it said BUTT---S instead of BUTTONS. I love kids...

NO.
I don't love anything.
I would have killed the kids if you let me. If I had a weapon I would have used the fact that I lured them in. Their lives would have been over, and their parents wouldn't even have known. They would have thought: "but I just let them go out and get an ice cream."
One of the kids spilled his ice cream on the floor at work.

I'm cool with that... I really don't mind cleaning up after him. I even cleaned it in front of him, and was PROUD of this kid because he apologized. He was having fun chatting and spending time with me so he respected me enough to apologize for his mistake. 'People make mistakes- its up to you and me to fix them'
He understood that. It means that when it comes down to it... YOU have to be the 'better person' that cleans up the mess someone else made. Hopefully he will grow up to be great.

But hopefully he never has to know what love is.


Tomorrow is now. I have to sleep. Sorry there isn't any substantially significant insight in my 100th post. I just wrote the same junk you can expect from post 1 and post 101.

Stay Beautiful

Testing this

I can email myself my own blog entries if I ever can't blog.
I might make use of this... if I ever get a replacement for my missing and foreverlost itouch...

Oh well, I'm a spoiled kid.  I have a job and I save money from that.  Right now I could afford to replace the itouch for $400 but I would rather keep myself secure.  I will not go broke.

For those of you unaware, I'm trying to bust out 10 pages again before 10:30 tomorrow.  And subsequently after I turn in that paper I shall take a 150 question final for an hour or so, go to work, call for jury duty, get home and hopefully sleep but not sleep in because I work 8 hours on Saturday and I need to open the store.

I'm glad I got a short 2.5 mile run in today.
Last day of that English class...
Good.

End entry

Stay Beautiful

---

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Step Last One

Hold on.

YOU

I hate you so much.

Every time I see you I think of how perfect you are not. I KNOW you aren't perfect.
I can SEE you aren't perfect.

Every time I see you my heart goes insane. My mind beats wildly, I only have my cold hands to hold it all in. I hate you for that.
I hate you so much. I will always hate you.

Every time I look at you I die more on the inside. I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.

I hate what you are. I hate what you mean. One of us needs to die.
I want you to the one that dies.

Because I don't want to love you
If you needed me to I'd die for you...




Stay Beautiful

This Say To Wanted

It seems no matter how much I know i don't know enough.

No matter how much weight I lose, or how much muscle I gain I'm never attractive enough.

No matter how much talent I have...


I'm never good enough.



Don't you feel like even when you are at your best; you still can't do it. You can't feel like you are good enough...


I'm not good enough.

Stay Beautiful

Ticket Speeding

I got a speeding ticket.

Actually it made me smile. i have been waiting for a ticket for a long time, the officer was really nice about it. He said he would have given me a second chance if I gave him a good excuse, but I just said "yes sir" and "No sir" until it was over.

'Are you in any kind of rush'
'No sir'...

Like that.

It is inevitable a person like me would get a speeding ticket, he marked me down for going 15 miles an hour over the speed limit. Truth was I was going 75mph in a 50mph street. He only got to record 67mph because I DID see him. I was going so fast that I couldn't slow down in time.
The accuracy of his reading is debatable, because I had a visual block on him for the entire time I was slowing down (the person next to me was hardly speeding, probably about 55, and we both slowed together, in a way that I was concealed via them the whole time). I don't mind the ticket though. Because I should pay for it. Speeding is an infringement of the law, and I got caught.

Once out of over 100 times.
I'll do traffic school in my time next week, I haven't even told my parents and I don't even think they should know. If I get this 'point' off my record before the end of the month no one will know the better.

Except me. You can't speed that much. If I was going 67mph I could have slowed down enough, 75mph... not so.

Don't have me talk about my diet, I feel horrid. I've eaten too much. Far too much.
I looked in the mirror today... looked like a skeleton. Sometimes that happens. I know I'm getting fatter. I have to fight if I want to REALLY look like a skeleton.

By the way, that 1 paper I have to finish. Nothing.
And I hate girls right now... Still I hate lust more. I'll starve it away eventually and I'll like you all again. I'm sorry.

Stay Beautiful

DownCount

I really don't want to post tonight. I went almost the whole day on nothing but breakfast. I did over 100 push-ups (weak, its been a while) and it was FREEZING. I must have burned hundreds of calories just shivering...
Anyway... then I ate.

At work I was high out of my mind from the hunger. Thankfully I work alone. No one saw how uncoordinated I was. It took me 15 minutes longer than it usually does to close the store, kept having to count the money over and over again because it was such an ugly number...

I feel like a bomb ticking away. Its going to have to end soon. All this school and everything, and then it all starts up.
I'm going to be so hungry this summer...


Stay Beautiful

Day Mother

I hate how my grandma gives a tip.

Today is mothers day, another setback because I have yet to complete my final paper- 1 more thing to get done...
And I'm free after that. I'll starve when I want.

Setback: I had to go out to dinner. At the Olive Garden. It was my first time ever to be there, and i had to go with my grandma. By a turn of Fate my own Mother had gone on a trip for the weekend, and I had supplied her with every dollar in my wallet. So when I had lunch with my grandma I had nothing to use but my card, and my grandma wasn't going to let me pay anyway. The point is... SHE DOESN'T TIP.
God damn that was embarrassing. It pissed me off so bad.
Have you ever seen a waitress's face when you give them something that was HALF of what they earned? My grandma does things like special requests all over the place. The girl serving us did everything quickly, and even overproduced my grandma's wishes. AND SHE GETS 3 DOLLARS.
I wanted to drive right back there and pay the person once I got my money... but the thing is... I got money at 7pm. We ate at 11am.

This could really bring me down if I let it...



...

Which reminds me...
Don't have me as a boyfriend ever.
I make a horrible boyfriend.
I even make a bad friend. But at least that doesn't hurt me on the inside.

"Bye everyone! Heading to the airport now."
...
Bye...
...



Can I ever forgive myself?
Perhaps I should explain.
Its been hard on me. I haven't talked much about her here, but she is anorexic. She has so much more killing her on top of anorexia though. I fear every day she could die.
Right now she is pregnant with twins.
From rape.

I'm useless to her. She doesn't even feel anything for me anymore. And I'm afraid to get closer.
I don't want to hurt her more.
I don't want to force her to like me again.
I don't want to lose her.

Getting closer...
I think I could lose...
I don't even know what I am trying to say. In my mind there is now excuse. In my mind part of her already died. We already broke up. But no.
We never broke up. And why would I?
Why would I think about anyone else when I am bad enough as it is.
I just want to feel wanted now.


I want to feel wanted.


I wish I had someone that just wanted my body. Because I don't. I'm done with my body.
Let me start again at zero.
I'll get here again.

Right now I have nothing to do
but go farther...
Hurt more...
Starve.

Actually starve.
Be hungry.


I'll kill you
Stay Beautiful

Fat

Most of you call yourselves fat when you aren't...
And i was about to do the same

I FEEL FAT.

I've been eating and eating.
Cookies and whatever the hell else we have.
I hardly ever have cookies.
The best thing I had today was fried pickle, WHICH IS LOW CAL!
Why couldn't I eat the good things...

Anyways... I have to say that School won, I fought school, and school won.
I am going to fail at least 3 classes, possibly 4.
I have 1 more thing I want to do and then I just give up on school. And when I have nothing but work to do... I'm going eat right, and then I'm not going to eat.
On an off that is... I have to do this the healthy way. I'm just trying to lose weight, I'm not trying to pass out.

I feel so fat though...
I feel fat.

I'll just say it: I AM FAT.
Darnit.
I work hard, sometimes.

I'll work hard again.
I think tomorrow i wake up at 5AM to workout.
I hope I barf I work so hard.
This Friday is the day I tell Luu my goals. Luu is my drill sergeant- thats what I call him. He runs the workout. Making us work hard. He has fat, IS fat. But he is strong. He is one of those big guys that can move.
Hopefully he never finds this... but knowing him, he could find it if he wanted.

Stay Beautiful

Please

No...
She said it.

My mother knows I am failing
And she said it


.... Maybe you need to stay home this summer and go to summer school....

no...
no..



Stay Beautiful

Final Stretch

Shit.
I have 10 pages to do by tomorrow.
Shit.

SHIT.
And my work keeps needing me.
SHIT.

I'm a pig. I ate a whole lot. Like, beyond normal. I'm going to get fat. BUT AT SOON AS SCHOOL IS OUT I'M WORKING IT OFF. PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS EVERYONE. I'm only fat for now.
LEAVE ME ALONE DEAMON!
GOD DAMMIT GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

I'm screaming on the inside. You can't hear it. Glasses shatter, mirrors crumble into shards. FALLING APART...........................................
Hell.
I'm going to Hell.

FUCK.





I can't even think right
I wanted to say one last thing...
My mother wanted to cook some oat bread. I told her she was making it wrong. She followed the recipe word for word. AND IT TURNED OUT GOOEY IN THE CENTER. Like uncooked.
Seriously, it wasn't being cooked long enough for the ingredients allocated. But how would she know that the first time making it?
how did I know?
I'm smart at cooking. I wouldn't have made simple oat bread though...
YOU CREATE WHAT YOU FEEL. I would have made strawberry bread.
I don't need recipes to cook.

DAMMIT I HAVE TALENT WORLD.
Stop telling me I have no hope... because I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of blocking out the screaming. The inside of my head hurts from all my screaming there...







AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FUCK YOU

Stay Beautiful

Cheating Thinking

I finished Drum Corps Camp.
There was a new guy that was thinner than me. People called him string bean. He is my current goal weight (130) and he was only one inch shorter. He was 20 years old.
At first I was jealous, then I noticed how much of a weakling he was. Especially compared to me.

Okay, I don't want to brag- I can hardly accept a compliment from the instructors at drum corps- but I can hold up my horn. It hurts, its heavy, it takes a lot more than effort and skill. It takes conditioning. Some of that conditioning caused me to 'gain' heavy muscle. But I STILL think I can lose weight.

My weight fluctuates a little, but not much. Because I easily burn off fat. I might even easily lose muscle, but I am always working to gain more strength. So I don't know how realistic my goals are.

I hate people, all the people at the drum corps are afraid of me. And then I overheard something.
One of the parents almost called me out. She watched me skip one meal (I skipped a WHOLE meal in drum corps, its hard to do that if you didn't know) and I ate hardly anything (380 calories) of the next meal. In Drum Corps, I'm pretty sure I burn well over 2,000 calories a day.
So I ate for the rest of the ordeal. I even talked to the parent that was suspicious. I talked about cooking, told her the food was amazing, thanked her for volunteering, took seconds in front of her (and in that she told me to have cake, but I refused because CAKE IS GROSS- it doesn't even taste good- so I told her I don't like certain foods, but I have a weakness for vegetables). I hate covering for this... I wish people could accept it.

I know what I am doing is killing myself. But if I had a knife to my skin, and I used it, would you have a right to stop me?
What if it isn't going to kill me?
What if all I am doing is making a little scratch?
What if all I really wanted to do was skip a meal?


We will not get our rights for a long time. People have no respect for self-harm or suicide.

Stay Beautiful