Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday is Today?
I have stress from school and all this extra baggage is getting me to devour everything. Its all unhealthy.
I only ran 7 miles yesterday, my ipod malfunctioned and I decided to turn back. There was hardly anyone running on the trail and it was cold.
Today is cold.
It is so cold I it hurts. Dammit, I hate having a weakness. I hate that it is such a common thing. I'm getting destroyed by this chill. Its nothing more than a chill...
I thought about it. I'm 6'1" (maybe taller) and 140 pounds, so I have a lot of surface area to density. I am exposed to more cold, and I have a larger body to warm up. So logically cold should effect me more than most people.
Its just ridiculous.
I want to be lazy. I already know I am going to fail 3 out of 6 classes at least. I could fail more if I don't whip out something extraordinary very soon. On top of that I don't have any classes next semester, and my chances of getting what I need are small.
I want it to be 100 Fahrenheit, or 40 Centigrade (I know 40 centigrade is lower). When it is that temperature I don't have to heat up my own body. The only dangers are sunburn and dehydration. And I love fighting those.
It is hard to fight your own body.
I have had to do a lot of that lately.
Sorry, I have been eating and eating and eating.
... failure begets failure...
This weekend I won't be able to post, or talk to anyone.
I will be at drum and bugle corps, trying my hardest to skip a meal. I need this to prove to myself again that I am Ana.
And I'm sorry to all the people that think I should recover, because it would be nice to live long and well.
But I need to show this world it can be done.
Stay Beautiful
I only ran 7 miles yesterday, my ipod malfunctioned and I decided to turn back. There was hardly anyone running on the trail and it was cold.
Today is cold.
It is so cold I it hurts. Dammit, I hate having a weakness. I hate that it is such a common thing. I'm getting destroyed by this chill. Its nothing more than a chill...
I thought about it. I'm 6'1" (maybe taller) and 140 pounds, so I have a lot of surface area to density. I am exposed to more cold, and I have a larger body to warm up. So logically cold should effect me more than most people.
Its just ridiculous.
I want to be lazy. I already know I am going to fail 3 out of 6 classes at least. I could fail more if I don't whip out something extraordinary very soon. On top of that I don't have any classes next semester, and my chances of getting what I need are small.
I want it to be 100 Fahrenheit, or 40 Centigrade (I know 40 centigrade is lower). When it is that temperature I don't have to heat up my own body. The only dangers are sunburn and dehydration. And I love fighting those.
It is hard to fight your own body.
I have had to do a lot of that lately.
Sorry, I have been eating and eating and eating.
... failure begets failure...
This weekend I won't be able to post, or talk to anyone.
I will be at drum and bugle corps, trying my hardest to skip a meal. I need this to prove to myself again that I am Ana.
And I'm sorry to all the people that think I should recover, because it would be nice to live long and well.
But I need to show this world it can be done.
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Understand No
I was about to sleep and I felt my hipbones.
I don't belive it... I binged tonight. I've been eating all day...
I don't belive it... I binged tonight. I've been eating all day...
Symmetry
Symmetry means something like "same measurement."
I really wish I could aim for something like that. I would like to be the same size as those really small girls. Or I'd like to be my own male form of perfection, tall, toned, thin. So thin it scares people, so thin it is surprising that I am as agile as I am.
I'm not getting there anytime soon.
Can I at least say that school is to blame?
Except it isn't... I'm eating a lot of food because I'm hungry. I don't get it... Thats not why you eat, you EAT TO LIVE.
NOT LIVE TO EAT.
I feel constantly hungry. And so I am constantly eating.
I feel good that I have done multiple 11 mile runs. I can easily hoist my instrument, I've been getting the sleep I need and I have purged again. Sometimes I even binge on good foods like salad, or carrots, or apples or strawberries.
I eat half of dinner.
Everything is low calorie.
But I eat so much... And I always finish the other half of my dinner the next day.
I don't like failing, but I'm doing a lot of it. Especially in school. But I got lucky and I whipped out a really good speech the morning before it was due: like presented due. I also need a haircut.
I'm going to shave my head in the summer for the first time ever.
I decided it... I'll update as the date gets near, but its in July. I will also disappear shortly afterward because of Drum and Bugle Corps.
I feel confident I will be on track a lot better in the summer. I have already tried reducing the meals in Drum Corps, and I was able to do it. And I have started the habit of working out on top of all the exercises they have us do.
I'm ready for that at least.
And I have another camp in April coming up. I'll get to test myself again there.
Another Symmetry idea happens to be with my body. My left side of my abs was not the same as the right. I figured it out, when I do twists, I go a little stronger to one side, thus developing that side more. So it wasn't symmetrical. But I have been working on it. I shall correct that.
I hate how I have flaws...
But I'm erasing them. Eventually I will run out of flaws to erase.
For all of you readers I hope that you all have the patience it takes to lose your flaws.
If you wait for long enough, you shall shed your skin.
It does take a constant effort.
Just remember: The way you make your bed is they way you sleep in it.
Stay Beautiful
I really wish I could aim for something like that. I would like to be the same size as those really small girls. Or I'd like to be my own male form of perfection, tall, toned, thin. So thin it scares people, so thin it is surprising that I am as agile as I am.
I'm not getting there anytime soon.
Can I at least say that school is to blame?
Except it isn't... I'm eating a lot of food because I'm hungry. I don't get it... Thats not why you eat, you EAT TO LIVE.
NOT LIVE TO EAT.
I feel constantly hungry. And so I am constantly eating.
I feel good that I have done multiple 11 mile runs. I can easily hoist my instrument, I've been getting the sleep I need and I have purged again. Sometimes I even binge on good foods like salad, or carrots, or apples or strawberries.
I eat half of dinner.
Everything is low calorie.
But I eat so much... And I always finish the other half of my dinner the next day.
I don't like failing, but I'm doing a lot of it. Especially in school. But I got lucky and I whipped out a really good speech the morning before it was due: like presented due. I also need a haircut.
I'm going to shave my head in the summer for the first time ever.
I decided it... I'll update as the date gets near, but its in July. I will also disappear shortly afterward because of Drum and Bugle Corps.
I feel confident I will be on track a lot better in the summer. I have already tried reducing the meals in Drum Corps, and I was able to do it. And I have started the habit of working out on top of all the exercises they have us do.
I'm ready for that at least.
And I have another camp in April coming up. I'll get to test myself again there.
Another Symmetry idea happens to be with my body. My left side of my abs was not the same as the right. I figured it out, when I do twists, I go a little stronger to one side, thus developing that side more. So it wasn't symmetrical. But I have been working on it. I shall correct that.
I hate how I have flaws...
But I'm erasing them. Eventually I will run out of flaws to erase.
For all of you readers I hope that you all have the patience it takes to lose your flaws.
If you wait for long enough, you shall shed your skin.
It does take a constant effort.
Just remember: The way you make your bed is they way you sleep in it.
Stay Beautiful
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
Shadowed Luck
I have said I am tired.
Physically I am not tired. But emotionally I'm tired of running from the sadness. Yes, I'm sad. I am very sad.
But the worst part is I can't feel it. My life is crumbling to motes of dust, spread all over the surface. I'm thinly stretched. My will is nonexistent. I am disappointed in myself. I'm failing. I don't even reach out to the world because I don't know if I care. I can't feel a thing.
I don't know why I said all of that. I don't feel it at all.
What I feel... if I could describe it... is like when you are searching for a certain word.
The feeling when you had the word in your head for just a second, and it went somewhere else in your mind and suddenly you can't remember it again. But it was a second ago that you knew. You feel like you should know this word.
Instead of a word though... its depression. Its a blue void in the back of my head. I can't feel it, but I know it is there. I can't remember how it feels to be sad.
I miss it dearly.
I wish I was sad.
Stay Beautiful
Physically I am not tired. But emotionally I'm tired of running from the sadness. Yes, I'm sad. I am very sad.
But the worst part is I can't feel it. My life is crumbling to motes of dust, spread all over the surface. I'm thinly stretched. My will is nonexistent. I am disappointed in myself. I'm failing. I don't even reach out to the world because I don't know if I care. I can't feel a thing.
I don't know why I said all of that. I don't feel it at all.
What I feel... if I could describe it... is like when you are searching for a certain word.
The feeling when you had the word in your head for just a second, and it went somewhere else in your mind and suddenly you can't remember it again. But it was a second ago that you knew. You feel like you should know this word.
Instead of a word though... its depression. Its a blue void in the back of my head. I can't feel it, but I know it is there. I can't remember how it feels to be sad.
I miss it dearly.
I wish I was sad.
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
I blog about myself.
First off, 10 hours work, 1 huge bingefest of: Hamburger, in lettuce wrap, tater tots (small), milk, banana cookie bar (homemade), ice cream (mocha almond fudge), oat and choc bar, and asparagus. No 5am workout (alternative explained below) and SCHOOL IS KILLING ME.
Thank you.
I told someone that "I saved 2 lives" I've saved at least two lives, but I don't know what two lives I have saved. You see, I have talked to people that are looking for a way out. I have heard their revelation that suicide is the key. I talk to them, and eventually the waters calm. I have done this more than 5 times to 5 separate people. Twice I was able to manipulate them with the feeling they held for me.
I knew what I was doing, but most importantly, I didn't know any alternative.
I worked 10 hours today.
I'm still voicebroke from my illness.
I have yet to complete any substance in my research projects. By now this material is late.
I am skipping a class right now.
I have considered that perhaps my future lies not in the system of continued education, but in a shortcut. I can manually remove a virus, perhaps I could create an antivirus that is capable enough to be a practical purchase and make my living by distributing it for 99cents.
I could write wonderfully if only I prescribed myself to it.
Perhaps I should try my hand in the political arena... after all, I enjoy opposing bureaucracy.
Maybe a librarian. I enjoy research phenomenally, and it would do me pleasure to contain myself with a simple existence.
If the shortcut exists I wish I could get there soon. Before I waste due to the grinding in the back of my mind.
Someone as impartial as me shouldn't be bothered that their life is going in ruins. Or that they live contrary to their values.
I have been eating like a horse. Thankfully with my 10 hour shift that meant that I went a full 10 hours without food. I was working the entire time. A few times I caught myself whispering "I am not going to give up," yet I still showed fatigue. When I was alone...
I work at a dry cleaner. Today when I had my 10 hours I got to cover for someone that works at the store that runs all the shirt laundry. I had personally bagged over 200 shirts: I'm sure of it. I detailed in over $300 worth of clothes: certainly. And I collected most of $190 of strictly cash profits.
Those numbers sound to me similar to a day of my workouts. I'm glad I can accomplish the same quantities in money for my company as I provide in fitness to myself. I can do well over 300 push-ups, I can do well over 200 sit-ups, I can do 10 hours of exercise.
I'm so proud of my legs. I actually slimmed those down. It took a few weeks of those 5AM workouts... and today... I won't lie. I woke up for the 5am workout, I got out there, my best friend was there with me.
And we played the iPod game WORMS for an hour.
haha... good times...
He proposed that I bring my extra TV next time and we just game on that.
As a rule I like to aspire for more. I like to be the best. I like to best my own inhibitors. But this morning was so freaking cold. And if you have ever read my posts in the past you would know that cold is my kryptonite.
Cold=weakness.
I hope I have given you people enough content to scour through. After all, none of you should approve when I could be doing so much better. I almost approve.
I like to see strength. Anyone that tries hard enough has a place within my blessings.
Stay Beautiful
First off, 10 hours work, 1 huge bingefest of: Hamburger, in lettuce wrap, tater tots (small), milk, banana cookie bar (homemade), ice cream (mocha almond fudge), oat and choc bar, and asparagus. No 5am workout (alternative explained below) and SCHOOL IS KILLING ME.
Thank you.
I told someone that "I saved 2 lives" I've saved at least two lives, but I don't know what two lives I have saved. You see, I have talked to people that are looking for a way out. I have heard their revelation that suicide is the key. I talk to them, and eventually the waters calm. I have done this more than 5 times to 5 separate people. Twice I was able to manipulate them with the feeling they held for me.
I knew what I was doing, but most importantly, I didn't know any alternative.
I worked 10 hours today.
I'm still voicebroke from my illness.
I have yet to complete any substance in my research projects. By now this material is late.
I am skipping a class right now.
I have considered that perhaps my future lies not in the system of continued education, but in a shortcut. I can manually remove a virus, perhaps I could create an antivirus that is capable enough to be a practical purchase and make my living by distributing it for 99cents.
I could write wonderfully if only I prescribed myself to it.
Perhaps I should try my hand in the political arena... after all, I enjoy opposing bureaucracy.
Maybe a librarian. I enjoy research phenomenally, and it would do me pleasure to contain myself with a simple existence.
If the shortcut exists I wish I could get there soon. Before I waste due to the grinding in the back of my mind.
Someone as impartial as me shouldn't be bothered that their life is going in ruins. Or that they live contrary to their values.
I have been eating like a horse. Thankfully with my 10 hour shift that meant that I went a full 10 hours without food. I was working the entire time. A few times I caught myself whispering "I am not going to give up," yet I still showed fatigue. When I was alone...
I work at a dry cleaner. Today when I had my 10 hours I got to cover for someone that works at the store that runs all the shirt laundry. I had personally bagged over 200 shirts: I'm sure of it. I detailed in over $300 worth of clothes: certainly. And I collected most of $190 of strictly cash profits.
Those numbers sound to me similar to a day of my workouts. I'm glad I can accomplish the same quantities in money for my company as I provide in fitness to myself. I can do well over 300 push-ups, I can do well over 200 sit-ups, I can do 10 hours of exercise.
I'm so proud of my legs. I actually slimmed those down. It took a few weeks of those 5AM workouts... and today... I won't lie. I woke up for the 5am workout, I got out there, my best friend was there with me.
And we played the iPod game WORMS for an hour.
haha... good times...
He proposed that I bring my extra TV next time and we just game on that.
As a rule I like to aspire for more. I like to be the best. I like to best my own inhibitors. But this morning was so freaking cold. And if you have ever read my posts in the past you would know that cold is my kryptonite.
Cold=weakness.
I hope I have given you people enough content to scour through. After all, none of you should approve when I could be doing so much better. I almost approve.
I like to see strength. Anyone that tries hard enough has a place within my blessings.
Stay Beautiful
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Sick
I'm skipping school right now but it isn't good enough.
I'm already recovering from this disease I have. I only felt mildly sick at most. The symptoms were basic exhaustion, inhibited senses, fuzziness, unequal ear pressure and some horrible throat blockage that left me with a sexy raspy voice. It was impossible to hide it if I spoke.
If you asked me how I am I would say that I am sick still; even though I feel I am almost over it. I haven't recovered on the inside.
I ate hoards of food while sick. And I still feel hungry. It feels like I can't exercise. Still, I could get through this if only I wasn't distracted.
By school.
I am skipping school right now. But it is killing me. I can't focus on it, but I have loads of work right in front of me. If I start typing I lose track of where I am, I remember something but can't find the source, I think about something else that I want to do. Because of this I have nothing accomplished.
I am researching marijuana. What frustrates me beyond the basic complexities of the assignment is the sheer abundance of useless material on the topic. If only I could see all the information at once... because I .... I'm distracted right now. I coughed 4 times while writing this paragraph and now I lost it.
Maybe this sickness is what is prohibiting my work. Maybe I should blame something other than myself. Because I can't take it. I'm drowning.
I want it all to go away...
I want to get it done too.
I'm already recovering from this disease I have. I only felt mildly sick at most. The symptoms were basic exhaustion, inhibited senses, fuzziness, unequal ear pressure and some horrible throat blockage that left me with a sexy raspy voice. It was impossible to hide it if I spoke.
If you asked me how I am I would say that I am sick still; even though I feel I am almost over it. I haven't recovered on the inside.
I ate hoards of food while sick. And I still feel hungry. It feels like I can't exercise. Still, I could get through this if only I wasn't distracted.
By school.
I am skipping school right now. But it is killing me. I can't focus on it, but I have loads of work right in front of me. If I start typing I lose track of where I am, I remember something but can't find the source, I think about something else that I want to do. Because of this I have nothing accomplished.
I am researching marijuana. What frustrates me beyond the basic complexities of the assignment is the sheer abundance of useless material on the topic. If only I could see all the information at once... because I .... I'm distracted right now. I coughed 4 times while writing this paragraph and now I lost it.
Maybe this sickness is what is prohibiting my work. Maybe I should blame something other than myself. Because I can't take it. I'm drowning.
I want it all to go away...
I want to get it done too.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I'm freaking afraid.
So upset with myself...
If I put the details I would only be lying...
But why do people keep their secrets from me? If I knew before...
Couldn't you pick a better time?
I can't stop... I have to run tomorrow.
DAMMIT! My body is fucking ugly! I want to pour bleach all over myself.
Hate this
Stay beautiful
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tape Duct
I ran 9 miles today.
But it isn't good enough.
You see, last night I hardly slept. I stayed up all night to start 2 research papers. In that night I had 2 cookies 10 wafers, an apple, milk and a bunch of other things. Since then I haven't been feeling well. Probably from the sleep, but also probably from all the toxins in the junk I ate.
My feet are tingling.
9 miles felt good (although I walked about 3-4 of them)
I need the sleep so I'm sorry. I can't stay here.
Stay Beautiful
But it isn't good enough.
You see, last night I hardly slept. I stayed up all night to start 2 research papers. In that night I had 2 cookies 10 wafers, an apple, milk and a bunch of other things. Since then I haven't been feeling well. Probably from the sleep, but also probably from all the toxins in the junk I ate.
My feet are tingling.
9 miles felt good (although I walked about 3-4 of them)
I need the sleep so I'm sorry. I can't stay here.
Stay Beautiful
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
450
I have done 450 push-ups so far.
And I want to eat. I am hungry and my body is telling me to eat. Dinner is going to be ready in 30 minutes. But I am going to be gone. Wonderful huh?
I can't ignore the voice inside of me telling me to skip dinner. I can't escape it. 50 more... I need to do 50 more.
At least 500 today.
I have 2 HUGE papers due by tomorrow. Haven't started either. I am screwed. I might pull an all nighter. And then I will be screwed for Friday.
My life isn't in ideal circumstances right now. I almost can't take it anymore.
But I'm fine. I am doing great. I am working out. I look good. I feel smart. I am learning.
I'm a little lonely. And its sad. I have a girlfriend. Her feelings died. But I'm still trying... I'm still trying to make her smile and feel like that again. I was the best thing in her life for a month. And reality crushed me... I worried too much about her. I tried to make her eat when I saw her. She doesn't like me anymore. I act like I didn't notice. Like I'm just trying to bring the magic back. But I know that isn't it.
I binged on strawberries. Ha. That was 50 calories. But then again, I had about 10 glasses of milk today which is 1300. I wish milk was way lower cal... I feel like I'm a fat cow or some other bovine humanoid when I drink so many calories. Beyond that I ate some sweet potato, a granola bar before the 5am workout, and I had a glass of orange juice.
If I only worked on that paper.
And the other paper.
I would have been brilliant today...
Still. I'm impressed. 50 more to go and I got to 500.
Stay beautiful
And I want to eat. I am hungry and my body is telling me to eat. Dinner is going to be ready in 30 minutes. But I am going to be gone. Wonderful huh?
I can't ignore the voice inside of me telling me to skip dinner. I can't escape it. 50 more... I need to do 50 more.
At least 500 today.
I have 2 HUGE papers due by tomorrow. Haven't started either. I am screwed. I might pull an all nighter. And then I will be screwed for Friday.
My life isn't in ideal circumstances right now. I almost can't take it anymore.
But I'm fine. I am doing great. I am working out. I look good. I feel smart. I am learning.
I'm a little lonely. And its sad. I have a girlfriend. Her feelings died. But I'm still trying... I'm still trying to make her smile and feel like that again. I was the best thing in her life for a month. And reality crushed me... I worried too much about her. I tried to make her eat when I saw her. She doesn't like me anymore. I act like I didn't notice. Like I'm just trying to bring the magic back. But I know that isn't it.
I binged on strawberries. Ha. That was 50 calories. But then again, I had about 10 glasses of milk today which is 1300. I wish milk was way lower cal... I feel like I'm a fat cow or some other bovine humanoid when I drink so many calories. Beyond that I ate some sweet potato, a granola bar before the 5am workout, and I had a glass of orange juice.
If I only worked on that paper.
And the other paper.
I would have been brilliant today...
Still. I'm impressed. 50 more to go and I got to 500.
Stay beautiful
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Reply Don't You Canadian Dead
Dead Canadians don't reply... She hasn't replied, maybe she did die.
Still, I'm doing much better than I though. I had a rough time tonight because I have been allowing myself too much sugar of late. So I had more tonight in the form of cookie dough. I have disregarded that.
Today I did easily over 500 push-ups. I'm building back the habit, eventually I'll do 1000 in a day again.
I did jump rope for about 25 minutes. I am going to sleep well tonight.
I have tomorrow's 5Am workout. I am set.
Today I had about 1500 calories up until dinner. If I quit there it would have been picture perfect. But I had the sugar lapse, so I'll estimate at 2400 today. Peanut butter cookie dough is freaking loaded with shit.
Anyway... I'm not as behind as I thought in school. Finding that out boosted my confidence. Yet I still can't do the work...
I'm on it. I have learned some pretty outstanding things about marijuana. Finally sorting through the nonsense and platitudes to what I have been trying to find all along. I'm still missing that physiological perspective that I was searching for. But that detail isn't due yet.
Marijuana sure is interesting.
Life gets hard. I'm not too ready for it, but I don't know.
I'm on the phone now...
Stay beautiful
Still, I'm doing much better than I though. I had a rough time tonight because I have been allowing myself too much sugar of late. So I had more tonight in the form of cookie dough. I have disregarded that.
Today I did easily over 500 push-ups. I'm building back the habit, eventually I'll do 1000 in a day again.
I did jump rope for about 25 minutes. I am going to sleep well tonight.
I have tomorrow's 5Am workout. I am set.
Today I had about 1500 calories up until dinner. If I quit there it would have been picture perfect. But I had the sugar lapse, so I'll estimate at 2400 today. Peanut butter cookie dough is freaking loaded with shit.
Anyway... I'm not as behind as I thought in school. Finding that out boosted my confidence. Yet I still can't do the work...
I'm on it. I have learned some pretty outstanding things about marijuana. Finally sorting through the nonsense and platitudes to what I have been trying to find all along. I'm still missing that physiological perspective that I was searching for. But that detail isn't due yet.
Marijuana sure is interesting.
Life gets hard. I'm not too ready for it, but I don't know.
I'm on the phone now...
Stay beautiful
Monday, April 5, 2010
iFound
What happens when I type words without HTML code? Looks like it works.
Looks like I found my iPod. This doesn't change much of my life. I still have a friend who is hopelessly flirting with suicide, my girlfriend is "numb.". There is a huge emotional deficiency surrounding me.
But I'm finally not going to give up. I'm working. I'm resting. I can't give up.
I do not give up.
Stay beautiful
Looks like I found my iPod. This doesn't change much of my life. I still have a friend who is hopelessly flirting with suicide, my girlfriend is "numb.". There is a huge emotional deficiency surrounding me.
But I'm finally not going to give up. I'm working. I'm resting. I can't give up.
I do not give up.
Stay beautiful
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