Should I?

I sort of want to get away from PT.  Its gross.
Gross that I look at pictures of girls.  That I visit the site just to see beautiful people, because I'm so afraid of the people I see outside.  I don't know what a social club is... or where one is... or where parties are.  I don't even think i want to meet people in the midst of alcohol.  So I use PT.
Gross that I'm looking at something I will never be.  My parents told me today that I could cook myself dinner, I grabbed a pear.  That will be all for that meal.  But... I eat so normal.  I'll never lose weight.  It is so hard to lose weight when you are this low...  6'2" and 140 something pounds or more accurately 70kgs or so.  I'm never going to be 100 lbs.  I'd die.

And... I feel lonelier on the nights where I find myself browsing the forums.  I feel like an idiot when i post.
All I want... it to see someone beautiful.  Everyday, have someone pretty to look at for a long time.  I'm very selfish.

Also...
I want to model.  Sort of.  I know what my body looks like and I want to display it, maybe it will motivate me to lose weight.  Who knows...  I need a photographer.
Who is willing?

stay beautiful

You must hate

I don't really leave things behind. Not permanently.
I enjoy peeking and prodding at them after a while. It makes me sad. I'm too tired to care.
About anything.
It's not personal. And I care about you, for whatever that's worth. Or whatever that means. All my mind goes to, whatever, whatever, whatever

I don't care about food anymore and I'm smaller as a direct result. But I didn't fight for it. I wonder if that's why I don't feel it.
I can be so tired and then move so much more
I wish I could trade, your dreams for mine. I can't tell reality from dreams most of the time. And my dreams terrify me these days.

Don't you hate it when someone is being so selfless that they are being selfish.  You kinda want to say to them "How dare you take away what you never really gave me!"
Part of this is because you are selfish yourself, the other... you don't want to see them disappear into a corner.
One of my readers thinks this is an attractive idea.

At least one.


Don't you hate it when you want to be nice, but you know you are powerless either way?
When you are trying to do something, but nothing comes out of it?
When you are studying and you can't find a single answer?



Have you ever looked in a mirror and been so scared someone was on the other side you didn't stop to notice that person was you?
Even so... Why do I need to remind myself of what I am...


Broken objects
Cat get off my lap...
I have school.


stay beautiful

I hate humans

Except Naz.
YOU'RE FUCKING AWESOME 24/7.  Much love you loser.


But all the people...
I don't understand how they can possibly be so LARGE.  How they can be so... HAPPY.  How they can be so... DRUNK.  Go ahead and tell me I'm a bigot.  I just don't understand what there is in SEX that is worth anything.  I don't care about it.
I'd like to show you I don't care about it...  For now you won't believe me...
I know.
I'm human.  Right now I hate myself.
Haven't you read?  About how terrible I feel after I indulge sexually?  Because... its not worth anything to be pleased.  NO.
Nothing.

I'm closed minded right now.  I'm also blank in the brain.
Shooting empty shots.





I look at my body and I see veins.  Veins I don't see on many other people... Veins that bulge where there used to only be skin.  I see lines from bones and muscles that I can read like a chart.  I see sallowed cheeks and the me on the inside begs for this to continue.  If the trend continues I will become what I really am.  I'll become beautiful for a split moment of life...  
But then reason kicks in and says that I might die.
And it would be worth every lost ounce...


stay beautiful  

Do not want to post

Freaking 3rd time.

I don't know... I feel like I am just ruining all the respect points I'm getting.  I told my friends last night that I was hanging with them instead of getting head- I mean that is about as intimate as "bros before hoes" gets right?  So...  I have fun with the guys.

Then tonight.
Well.
Got head.


Fuck you.
I hate you.  You and your lazy fucking heart.  You and your lightweight head.  You can't take a few hours without food and you can't do 1000 push-ups anymore.  You get weaker every day without me.  You live without me.
I promise you death.  Beautiful death that makes life all the more fucking precious.  You can get all the head you want when YOU'VE STARVED YOURSELF ENOUGH TO ENJOY IT.
You need to be perfect before you let another woman touch you.
PERFECT.

...........
That was me.  Talking to myself.
Everyone talks a little to themselves...


I wanna
but I don't.


My primary objectives are in the course.  I'm not perfect.  I don't deserve to be spoiled by her.  She has a boyfriend (and its not me).  So.............. 
I don't understand.
I'm not worth losing a relationship over.
Its hard enough for me to think I'm worth losing my own weight for.  ahhhhhh.
Hate
hate
hate hate hate life.
But I'll love it tomorrow...



Gonna wake up soon.
Its 2:40am almost.  I wanna wake up at 6:00am tomorrow.  I KNOW I want to do that.
Don't object to that.  There is enough to object to with me.
Fucking going crazy hating myself.



stay beautiful

My first kiss was your dad

It wasn't, but I was thinking that would be a funny short for me to write one day.  And possibly live (as the dad).  That sentence is the boyfriend telling the girlfriend it.  And she has this look on her face like UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH.
 
ya.
But I'm gonna care that much. 
 
Sometimes a dad says "I'm gonna answer the door with a gun" when their girl starts to date.  Some pull the boy aside and say "whatever you do to her I will do to you twice as long"  Those are intimidating.  I wanna teach the unfortunate kid how to love her, so that she never accepts a standard less.  Her first will be the most perfect guy he can be, and if it doens't work out, then she will know what she deserves.  At least she will have that.
 
 
 
I'm unattainable.
You cannot get close to me.
Not possible.
I wish I was.  Because I try to get close to people.  But it never works.
If I saw you, it would only be worse.
Know how dogs sometimes have short attention spans?  Well... I'm sorta like that.  Just shorter.  On a taller person.
I'm trying to be a machine. -abstract idea-
 
 
Day:  Rain, cheerios, rain, school, rain, apple, drink lots of water, have to pee, rain, drive home, answer phone, eat toaststed PB&J, play video games for an hour, drive for work, more rain, work, its cold here because of the rain...  I'm gonna go home in the rain I guess.  I don't know.
Today...  is not the best.  But I don't need it to be.
 
 
 
stay beautiful
 
stay beautiful

Whiz

Your legs were starting to look alright and now you're eating all of that?
um...  I didn't know it would be so bad.  It hasn't changed me yet.
But I wonder what will change...
I'm having serious problems with eating fish.  It doesn't feel right.  I might just have to stop...  April 1st a good day to end it?  Yeah...  I love irony.

I should say I have serious problems eating
But I don't
I have problems thinking
Singing... The voice in my head sings.
Freak.


Hi.
I'm Goldfish



You can't help but love me.  And my half monkey half pony half monster gift.
Maybe you don't like monsters.
Maybe I used too many monkeys...



lol



stay beautiful 

Every time

It seems every time I get hungry enough not to care I can't bring myself to eat.
And when I force myself through the motions something stupid happens.

So I burned the roof of my mouth.  Now what?
Its sad, how a guy like me who never really did anything that traumatizing to his digestive system finds breaking the habit to be hard.  It isn't even hard for me.  Imagine if I actually threw up instead of just accidentally having food randomly try to come out my mouth after I've 'eaten too much'.  I eat regular.  I go on walks.  Compared to what I used to do I don't even exercise.  I find it difficult to motivate myself to do anything.  Waking up feels like crap.  Every day is the same.


So why does it matter?
Because.  I've done something good.
Not telling you.  Not yet.  Not until I've actually done it.
I hate planning for crap, but I live in a bureaucratic nation; can't do anything without approval first.  I turned in an initiative almost a month ago for a program at the library that requires ZERO staff and ZERO funding and is something the library should endorse.  It will be approved THURSDAY this week.  See what I have to deal with?  I've been bugging them about it.  I wonder what would have happened if I just turned it in.  And there was no errors in my first draft; they admitted it was quite genius
So this other project (unless you are a flyingfish I haven't told you) I'm going to have to wait and see.  I'm going to hate myself for all the good things I'll be doing with it.


Suspense?  No.
Btw.
The word NO means too much.  Someone needs to cut it in half.
That word...




How the fuck do you cure someone that is lazy?
How the fuck do you cure someone of bulimia?
How the fuck do you cure someone that doesn't think they are sick, doesn't want to be sick, doesn't want to be cured, and wants instead to live some blindsided race for a one-day lifetime?
Maybe the last one made no sense...


How do you take art away from the artist?
How do you take the artist from the art?


I bought a book I already owned.  Once on accident, once because I couldn't find my other copy.  I also have a book... that I really want to read.  It is titled Twilight.
Wonder what you think of that.


stay beautiful