normal

Sharing information isn't always easy.

Do I tell you that there are 7 years between us or do I tell you that I fall in love if you meet a certain standard of beauty and you exceed that? When I choose the first I pull away from a relationship and if I choose the other I embrace it.

I honestly
do not want to embrace anything.
Not while pursuing destruction... Painless... destruction.


What is the least painful way to die? Have you ever asked that question? Have you ever shared all the answers you tried to think of with another person? When you share that information what did you not say that you had the opportunity to?
You know how limited time is when your actions destroy future opportunities.


Maybe I've killed my chances.





Interesting contrast: sometimes the topic of another person's body comes up in an eating disorder forum or from someone recovered or having an eating disorder. Often when its a female she will tell the other person how beautiful or thin they are. As an observer you can see that the person giving the compliment can often times be thinner and even likely prettier.
I have no such veil over my eyes. I see people how they are. There are flaws in every person. Sometimes the flaws dwell in the shadow of perfection and those people can capture the hearts of strangers or the mind of a dreamer.

I see myself and I look normal. I can't STAND looking normal.

This is why I change.

Just vague enough

Do I want to be sad?


I'm not sure. I think I do want to be sad. I think depression is normal... and deep. I somehow believe only sad people matter.
Maybe I just don't know anything else.

I'm hungry. I've been eating and I'm hungry all day.
Pickles are zero calories. They are a godsend. I love pickles.



Happiness really does feel like its just outside of my reach like Tantalus with the water and fruits. All I want to do is find contentment in the punishment... in the tantalization.

Everything is going to change
I'll never be ready.

Winning

I've been in a sour mood still. Its interesting because the more emotion i pour into this the worse my life is perceived to be by myself. If I just let it go everything is all right.

Some things are very important to some people.

I've been focused lately on what people desire. Been justifying actions of others and the bulk of society by saying something as simple as if people want it then it happens. Then i forget to apply this to myself. I forget to look inside and see what I want and why I'm not getting it.

I asked a girl for her number today. She declined and told me she has a boyfriend. Did I act timid when I walked away? Because I was actually happy to hear that. I just wanted somebody beautiful to look at and I was hoping she was sad and lonely like me. When I heard the tone of her voice... it sounded like she was so sorry to be happy in front of me. It made me happy to have an opportunity to let her live her life without ever letting me contact her again.

Happy?

I don't know how to find the most fitting words for most of my emotions.

I live with 4 guys. Currently 2 of them are having stomach issues and I've been issued some expired probiotic samples. Because they are probiotics I feel protected, but because they are expired I don't know if I should share. I actually had trouble just earlier today. But I'll either be cured quickly or be sick for a day or two and lose weight. Either way i win.

Maybe instead of saying I was happy I should have said I felt like I won to be able to walk away so easily.

Still I haven't won everything.

I hate how people wish me the best from afar.

And yet its totally out of their control or mine. In fact most of these well wishes just make my heart ache more. I wish people knew how I want to be treated like I'm fragile.

I treat others the same.

Oh i just remembered. I had magnesium and that tends to give me too loose of stools just because of how little material I eat in a day. That would explain why I don't feel sick.

Today I ate

Avacado

3 probiotic shots

Kombucha

Sandwich

Guac

Beet Chips

4 squares of stevia sweetened chocolate

Not much solid food.

Worked a bunch at work, yet still wasn't organized with my productivity. I don't think I'm going to improve dramatically in that for a while.

And of course didn't go to sleep until the morning.

I haven't been able to sleep until 4am-6am and then I've been waking up around noon. It only hinders my life a little. I really want to be able to sleep earlier and wake up to enjoy the morning, but I can't right now.

I dropped a pound. I've been attempting to go keto, but I'm not entirely tryhard on it.

Question now is... Should I fast Tuesday or friday or saturday next week? Maybe 2/3 days? I really enjoyed my fast on Thursday.

Enjoyed?

Maybe I just felt like I won something.

Awake too late

I woke up refreshed. Empty.

I'd like to add I felt no need to masturbate. That's always one of the pluses of fasting in my eyes. I don't have to waste time or emotion attempting to be loved or love myself. I'm already in the process of perfecting myself.

Just changing helps. When you feel terrible it really does help to change something. With change comes sacrifice of course, which is probably why the general public hates to change so much. Even something as simple as the somewhat recent change of California law where plastic bags are no longer used at grocery stores was met with a ton of initial resistance. Because people didn't want to sacrifice their time and effort to use recycle bags... Silly when you look at it now. Back then some people thought it was important.

What I think is important might seem suicidal to others. Maybe impossible for those that haven't seen much of the world. But I know its possible. I know the chances are slim. Its like buying a lottery ticket and not expecting to win, but expecting that if I lived forever or at the right year then I'll hit the jackpot.

Whats nice about this dream is that I'm in control of whether it happens to come true or not. Just me.
If I plan accordingly everything will be as it needs to.



My life is going to change.
I can feel it.

I don't appreciate being treated this way

I know how useless anger is at accomplishing things. But right now I have nothing to build. I want to feel justified being angry or upset or any of those other 'negative' feelings that other people don't want to see. And I want to be free to express those feelings to the shits that attempt to talk about my suffering.

I think its hilarious that when I saw my mother today and she basically gave me $150, told me I was treating her like shit (i was) and left.
Don't put yourself into these sort of relationships if you can help it.

I attempted to set up boundaries of what we could or could not talk about. She crossed those boundaries. I was cross with her. I'm a total dick when I want to be. Suck me.



Anyways besides that I wasted my life on video games today. Morning started out with an accidental fast, but I decided its okay to eat at some point during the day. $20 is the cheapest I've seen a kilogram of creatine before so I decided it would be a fun thing to try sometime. I might start working out again... I don't really see it though. Right now I have no focus in life. I'm mentally recovering from financial stress, but I've always kept such a strong budget that I never have to worry about completely running out of funds. I also have an account that is set aside. I do live my life as though that could collapse at any time because I just don't trust it. I can't just trust that I'm not getting scammed somewhere.




Some people are happy with me. Some I don't know what they feel.
I don't know what I feel most of the time. I think that is the point of this blog. I'm sorting it out. Also I really want to show my ugliest features somewhere. Also I often feel like I'm not supposed to feel something that I really do feel and that suppresses that. Going back to the beginning of today's post I want to fully express my anger, but all I did today was be a dick. I want to inflict so much more damage to something.
I don't know yet if I want to kill something- or do something else that is criminal. I just want to be allowed to express anger. I hate how I don't get to be genuine with my feelings.

Am I allowed to lose weight when I am the current weight that I am? I don't even know how much I weigh. If you are reading this and are curious I can weigh myself at work tomorrow. We have a scale that weighs incoming product and shipments. I can turn it on and step on and report back tomorrow night what the official number is.

Its something I'll consider for whoever it is that reads these posts.

I've never broken a promise

I might travel for the summer again. I might be rooted in this same mundane life that I'm currently in.

There are people that want me to go: they are the majority. There are those that want me to stay: they enjoy me.


I have a friend who's birthday is today. Its 2 hours in... what shall I say?
I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I have been thinking about you. I've been thinking about how little love i have for you and how much love you have for me. I've been thinking about how if I got close enough you would attempt to snuff out this illness: which I love more than you. I've been thinking about how sick I'd like you to be. How lazy you are. How much I despise that.
I forgive you, but I don't need to. You have done nothing wrong except falsely accuse me of not caring and not being helpful. I've financially assisted you. I've given you my time and I've tried to help with your day to day health and happiness when I'm with you. Even when its hurt me... Except I have a pain threshold that prevents me from getting to close. I'd rather be alone than with you.

I really don't want to be alone.

but again I'd rather be alone than live with cognitive dissonance.

I did something fun today. I moved a couch.
Couches are often literally too fat to go through a door without considerable effort. Glad I'm not that fat.
The friend who I helped was exhausted by the end. I've always found a way to give less effort and get the job done. That is how I feel about everything. School. Weight loss. Work. I've always done the least work I can and I'm actually proud of it.


If I travel I promise I'll take pictures that I will post here. You'll get to know exactly where I'll be if I get accepted. You can probably report me if you wanted because I'll probably post my face on here because I'm okay with being exposed now. I want more readers. I also want to disclose that I'm not open currently to making money with this blog right now. I might attempt to do a research based blog on food at some point that I could see myself attempting to monetize, but I want an audience right now.


I'm honestly that desperate for attention.

Apple Cider Vinegar

I remember the first time I found meal replacement shakes.

I told a friend that was thin that I didn't have to eat food anymore. I just found a secret way to get 300 calories a day and all my nutrients for the day and not feel hungry. 3 shakes a day! thats it. If you want to make it delicious it can be 500 calories a day. Who cares because you still are deficient in calories so live it up and splurge on flavor!
My friend didn't respond well.

I should know I'm different. It just sucks to be reminded in that way.

For real tho. If you struggle with overeating substituting a protein shake for a meal is a godsend. At the point my life is currently at I'm so lazy I do it most of the time for fun/because i enjoy it/because its easy/because I've forgotten how to eat normally. And its one of the things I like about myself.


Another fun thing to discover was the power of vinegar to help with blood sugar headaches. Apple cider vinegar is revitalizing for me when my blood sugar feels like its dropped. I don't even know why.

I'm actually afraid of Conjugated Linoleic-Acid because it feels like I'm not hungry from having something stuck in my throat all day. Its a wonderful supplement that helps suppress hunger and raise basal metabolic rate. I don't take this one because I feel like it would work too well.

Low on energy? Spirulina can keep me awake at 5am. Its a photosynthesizing bacteria that has a compound called phycocyanin that does miracles. It has clinical data that shows it helps the liver do a lot of work and its useful for weight loss. Its crazy to me that the hype hasn't been brought to the public eye more. Not enough people ask for this stuff.

I'm sorry... I have a dead brain today... I can't think right now.
I'm just an advertisement.