Dear unknown

Who the fuck are you?

Where did you get the name for your blog?
It can't be entirely coincidence that you are sick as me, name your blog the same thing I named mine, and BLOCK me.
I lost control today. I'm blaming you. I really did think of you and it broke me out of my... ice.

See when I get upset i tend to freeze solid. Unbreakable. Silent. Cold. Stable.
Even the most stressful of situations and I'll never fracture that is how flawless my composure is.
But I broke today.

I would rather spend eternity in stasis than break again...
I don't care how 'invincible' I felt.
I'm dangerous...


Which is why I mastered the art of the storm. I learned how to turn my temper into an internal cyclone. Where I imagine the stress factors as a hurricane on the outside and my mind becomes the eye. Center. Calm.


I've done what I usually do.
Turn a conversation with another into a conversation about me.
This is why I hate myself.


I want to know. I'm desperate. Weak right now, but I could regain my willpower. I just have to be sick again.
I think I'm acting like a spoiled kid.
I clearly don't deserve everything I want. So no matter how much I want to know who you are and why this game is being played on me (by you or by random chance) I don't get to have that privilege.

Please person that doesn't know me
accept my apology

stay beautiful

Tell me who you are

Walls are fucking weak.
I beat the shit out of a wall today. Freaking thing cracked under my fist and I didn't even bleed. I'm not even bruised...

Its sad... all this effort to break things. It should be spent protecting what is beautiful. I think it is sad that beautiful things even need protecting... why can't we just all be safe?

I hate ugly people.
They blot out the beauty in the world. White spots where there could be a clean black slate. We could see in the darkness by the light of their beauty... the beautiful people that is. But the fat shadows of the ugly turn the beautiful into diamonds and gold. Only parts per million, buried under the ashes that made them.


I love the power of adrenaline. Being invincible to pain. Strong. The whole world simplifies to one tunnel with one light. Fight or flight.



Hi readers...
I wish I could threaten you with something like killing myself just to get you to reveal yourself. Its so selfish, but I bet you know how it feels to live a life that seems so disposable. And if you like my words... I bet you have considered throwing your life away also.
Which brings me back to why I need to protect you. For some reason you would end your beautiful life and unless I knew you I couldn't stop it.
Which is why...
i wish.
I wish you would fall for that trap.



stay beautiful

Rabbits

I'm careless

I don't listen to anything. I don't do anything. I'm not even starving myself.
Net worth is nothing.

My body manages to pretend it has done work. It has done nothing. I'm probably still capable of running 10 miles, but... I haven't tested that in about 2 months. Maybe longer.

I'm not going to get anywhere like this.
I know what it is too
I'm ashamed of myself
I don't want anyone to see me
Not even myself
Its been a long time since I've looked into my reflection.
Usually when I look I stare at myself. But I stare at everybody.
Not now... I'll avert my eyes. I don't want to feel watched by myself.

It doesn't make sense to me.


I really could be falling down the rabbit hole.
I've retreated at least twice today.
I'll bet more often than that.
I almost... almost lost myself once today.
I almost tried to disappear.

Not sure how I can get better.

Looks like I never did improve.


stay beautiful

Bridges

The lowest weight me would be more than disappointed in the current me. He would be angry at me.
Granted he hated almost everyone, which was sad because I know how lonely he was... and still is.

But I looked at myself as him a little bit ago.
I think I understand what trigger means now.
It was simultaneously standing in front of an audience of glaring faces and being that audience.
Torn between two realities I was consumed with a desire to occupy neither space and no space. I think I yearned for death, but I always dream of the end.

I went to a church once and I remember the preacher standing on some makeshift bridge telling us that our destiny awaited us on the other side and something about Jesus, God, or the Holy Spirit being on the other side with open arms. THat it was so simple to cros the bridge an no real danger was ahead. At least that is what I imagine he said.
All I could think about was what it felt like to have your bridge collapse and fall into the abyss below.


stay beautiful

Supersire

I feel better when the focus shits away from me.

I no longer feel persecuted by the light of the sun.
But I only get this reprieve because the shadow has fallen on another.
My sister almost died.


This is old news

might as well post it anyways



stay beautiful

Need sleep, sorta but not tired not willing to admit it  I hate how attractive people can get. And then me... not even close. No reason to be desired. People say that I am brilliant. They just don't know how to do math.  
Lets move to other places.
Who even writes these things?

Azura-
Doubt-
Hello my dear friend! The only thing we need is a guiding hand which rests in our own sometimes and wishes it well. I am loyal, caring, sociable  woman, and I am good listener. I like active leisure, walking, learning new things and meeting new people. www.azalea.in.ua I need reliable and strong man in my life. I open my heart to my future darling, I would offer my heart to him in hope to  share all things life brings us. Au revoir Azura

Who are you even speaking to? Why did I get this message? Why am I lonely enough to read it... and wish it was for me when... at best it was mistakenly sent to me.  
Veronyk-
Reverie-
How do you do! I'm here to find my beloved man and to share my heart with him. I know that we are miles apart, but if my man looks deep within his heart, he will see that I am there with my love I want to share. I hope he will appreciate that he means much for me http://avril.in.ua I hope that together we will cope with all troubles and difficulties that come along.  I hope to find my sweetheart here. if you think we should get along, drop me a line Veronyk
Why?
No one wants me... Why did you... Even send this to make it seem like something wants me I guess if I had money I could be wanted. That someone could con me into clicking into the link and sifting away money.   So many of these messages... and these are only the ones that aren't obviously spam. Now that I have deleted them all I'm right back where I was before. Alone  

stay beautiful

The bid for happiness

What do you want? If you can name something you can likely name the amount of money or effort that will lead you there.

I want to lose weight.
Just takes less calories in then out.
I also feel that there could miracle drugs to accelerate the process. Like meth.
If I was to take meth my reason would be to lose weight. I don't need transient pleasure or even to have the mindblowing experience a drug can take you through.


I think I've gained weight.
I've at the very least lost motivation and energy. Which is what I used to think kept the weight off of me.
I'm so weak and ashamed of my body now.
My eyes leak with tears because I spend so much time in front of this screen. Sometimes because I feel pathetic, but usually just because I've spent too much of myself here.

Its beginning to warm here. I'll soon hear the complaints of others and the whine of Air Conditioning wherever I go. And I'll be fine with the sunshine because I'll remember how it felt in the winter to feel like I would never be warm. I'll let the heat burn me and singe away my sweat because to me I finally don't have to try to feel ... what is the word I am looking for? I mean to say something comforting. Something like complete. But I know that warmth doesn't change anything in me. It is just preferable to the cold. I find it amusing how uncomfortable warmth is to others, when I don't feel hot until the temperature is much higher.
And even when it is too hot for me I can still function in the heat.


Waiting and letting time pass seems to be a hobby of mine.
And because of that I can't get anything else done on time



stay beautiful