Yesterday I noticed all my pants are bigger on me than they have ever been in the past.
Today I managed to eat more in just 1 meal than I have in entire days for a few weeks.
It really wasn't that much... and all of it was healthy.
The main point is... I've been having a successful diet and today something happened to change that. Actually it wasn't even today that did it. Saturday I ate 2 cookies; the most sugar I had consumed in months. I'm going to preach this forever... sugar makes you eat.
When I eat things high in fat combined with things balanced in protein and carbohydrates I feel fine. I'm not hungry unless I've gone an inexcusable amount of time without food. Exercise of course helps.
Sugar screws up everything. Its an addiction. Eat something with high sugar and wait for an hour, you'll want more sugar. Its because the sugar spike went away and your body is telling you "hey, that was great! Lets do it again!"
Deprive your body of that high and it won't tell you to eat 24 times a day.
Only the 4-8 times you should eat.
Sounds like a lot... but its really not.
This doesn't explain why the cats are always hungry... its not like we give them brownies.
Oh well.
Its not like I have actual scientific data to back up my claims.
One of these days I might.
I've been busy
school
up the butt
school up the butt
and that is all that has been going up my butt.
I don't hate school, but I could use a break.
maybe a day off work will help.
stay beautiful
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Machine without a dream
Looking in the mirror he thought to himself: boy do you look chubby.
It was so difficult to run today. I didn't run far or fast. Just on a full stomach and after a period of laziness where I seem to only run once a week. That should change. If I can run tomorrow. I'm not sore. So I should be able to.
What else matters besides beauty?
Only beautiful things make me happy.
I had a bit of anxiety at work. No one but me would know.
Reading a few pages at a time.
Playing pokemon.
Showing up to class. Not doing all the work. I don't want to do all the work.
Existentialism is a humanism (by Sartre) is interesting to me. I hope I finish it. Halfway. Still.
Repeating.
I am nothing more than what I realize. With my actions.
Act.
or else you are not.
I can say I have an eating disorder. I might in my mind. But in reality... I do not have the severe gauntness associated with eating disorders or the self image anxiety that ED patients display. Nope. I'm obsessed with food and beauty and exercise.
Nothing unusual.
I'm missing a purpose
Stay beautiful
It was so difficult to run today. I didn't run far or fast. Just on a full stomach and after a period of laziness where I seem to only run once a week. That should change. If I can run tomorrow. I'm not sore. So I should be able to.
What else matters besides beauty?
Only beautiful things make me happy.
I had a bit of anxiety at work. No one but me would know.
Reading a few pages at a time.
Playing pokemon.
Showing up to class. Not doing all the work. I don't want to do all the work.
Existentialism is a humanism (by Sartre) is interesting to me. I hope I finish it. Halfway. Still.
Repeating.
I am nothing more than what I realize. With my actions.
Act.
or else you are not.
I can say I have an eating disorder. I might in my mind. But in reality... I do not have the severe gauntness associated with eating disorders or the self image anxiety that ED patients display. Nope. I'm obsessed with food and beauty and exercise.
Nothing unusual.
I'm missing a purpose
Stay beautiful
Respite
It was like I woke up. After 2 hours of doing dishes the fog lifted and I was okay with it. I wasn't scared of being free for once.
It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before. It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason. It could have been the dishes.
I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend. Female. Fun. Thin. Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision. I facilitate... sometimes. I really don't know what I am until I do something.
I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy. I like it. Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end. Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing. If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one. I need to know more.
I've never made coffee before. I tried this morning. Failed.
Tea be easy.
I might have a compromised immune system. I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am. I did hours of chores and spent time with people. I should be tired, but I'm not.
We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore. I've tried so hard leading up to this day.
And its not important anyways
stay beautiful
It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before. It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason. It could have been the dishes.
I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend. Female. Fun. Thin. Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision. I facilitate... sometimes. I really don't know what I am until I do something.
I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy. I like it. Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end. Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing. If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one. I need to know more.
I've never made coffee before. I tried this morning. Failed.
Tea be easy.
I might have a compromised immune system. I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am. I did hours of chores and spent time with people. I should be tired, but I'm not.
We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore. I've tried so hard leading up to this day.
And its not important anyways
stay beautiful
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tree in my head
I desperately posted something on PT about my mind hurting. I've had a lot of that lately.
Today I had breakfast, three apples, dinner, and 2 glasses of milk.
So weak.
SUCH A ROTTEN PIG.
I looked so lustfully at that zucchini chocolate snack cake. I've had 1 piece in the whole week since my mother made it. It was so good. But I can't... its giving in. I can do anything but give in.
never eat what you are craving.
\
I'm part of a nutrition club on campus. Officially I'm the treasurer. Thursday I have to cook lentils for a healthy food fundraiser we are doing. I'd like to claim credit for inventing it... it was my idea. But everyone else did the organizing for it.
I'm a useless bag of...
of lentils.
Smelly lentils.
My life got unorganized.
Yesterday night I tried to go for a run. I must have eaten something expired... I had such terrible diarrhea its a good thing I turned back after a mile because I forgot to bring my DS. TMI
so what.
I need to do homework, but the fact of the matter is I'm finding it hard to think. Something about being light headed. Not enough glucose for my brain? I'm learning about this in nutrition. I should have enough glucose... 3 apples.
The space behind my eyes feels occupied. By an unthinking tree. It isn't quite me. And so its hard to think. I'm bumping and twisting trying to maneuver the roots.
stay beautiful
Today I had breakfast, three apples, dinner, and 2 glasses of milk.
So weak.
SUCH A ROTTEN PIG.
I looked so lustfully at that zucchini chocolate snack cake. I've had 1 piece in the whole week since my mother made it. It was so good. But I can't... its giving in. I can do anything but give in.
never eat what you are craving.
\
I'm part of a nutrition club on campus. Officially I'm the treasurer. Thursday I have to cook lentils for a healthy food fundraiser we are doing. I'd like to claim credit for inventing it... it was my idea. But everyone else did the organizing for it.
I'm a useless bag of...
of lentils.
Smelly lentils.
My life got unorganized.
Yesterday night I tried to go for a run. I must have eaten something expired... I had such terrible diarrhea its a good thing I turned back after a mile because I forgot to bring my DS. TMI
so what.
I need to do homework, but the fact of the matter is I'm finding it hard to think. Something about being light headed. Not enough glucose for my brain? I'm learning about this in nutrition. I should have enough glucose... 3 apples.
The space behind my eyes feels occupied. By an unthinking tree. It isn't quite me. And so its hard to think. I'm bumping and twisting trying to maneuver the roots.
stay beautiful
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Unattached and forgotten
I'm forgotten. Wonderful.
When I was a child I used to get punished a lot. I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot. Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten. It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for. I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make. Not after a childhood of that.
And what do i think when I forget people? I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me. But I still make mistakes. Genuine mistakes I hope... I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake. They look the same from the outside.
Recovered. Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry. Well i ate more, just a little more. I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more. And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to. This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of. Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time. My boss bought me dark chocolates. I can't eat them. I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer! What if I go a year without chocolate? Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want. I'm willing to die for it.
I wonder if there is a cure. I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet. And I eat enough to live. I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life. Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight. I must be doing this right... Is there any reason to take away the habits? The guilt that I use to keep on track? The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself... so many times I could cry about it. But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?
I have daydreams about cutting myself. I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again. I'm itching... I might forget the hunger for a second. I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it. My foot started to hurt more often. I stopped running to recover it. I ate the same with much less exercise. I'm hungry right now. But I've eaten more than enough.
I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.
stay beautiful
When I was a child I used to get punished a lot. I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot. Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten. It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for. I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make. Not after a childhood of that.
And what do i think when I forget people? I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me. But I still make mistakes. Genuine mistakes I hope... I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake. They look the same from the outside.
Recovered. Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry. Well i ate more, just a little more. I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more. And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to. This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of. Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time. My boss bought me dark chocolates. I can't eat them. I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer! What if I go a year without chocolate? Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want. I'm willing to die for it.
I wonder if there is a cure. I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet. And I eat enough to live. I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life. Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight. I must be doing this right... Is there any reason to take away the habits? The guilt that I use to keep on track? The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself... so many times I could cry about it. But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?
I have daydreams about cutting myself. I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again. I'm itching... I might forget the hunger for a second. I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it. My foot started to hurt more often. I stopped running to recover it. I ate the same with much less exercise. I'm hungry right now. But I've eaten more than enough.
I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.
stay beautiful
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Losing weight/myphysicalself
I've never been so... on track.
I could say I'm tired but I don't know how true that is. I can somehow still run for miles and miles even though I barely have enough energy to feel. Serious. Sometimes I can see my hands touching, but I can't feel what I'm touching. Instead I get the sensation of blood sloshing in my arms or something, like my body is so weak that the blood accidentally flows the wrong way sometimes. I know this isn't true, if I can run for miles I still have a strong heart.
But it might be all I have.
I'm so weak... I plank for 2 minutes and almost pass out. I saw the ground 1 millimeter from my face, but I was higher than that... it was just my vision spinning. Whenever I close my eyes I feel myself spinning. I like to imagine I'm just more perceptive and feel the rotation of the Earth.
Descartes is full of crap.
Serious... He was blinded by his opinion that God existed. It caused him to make a mistake in the First and Second meditations... well mostly second. "I am precisely and only a thing that thinks"
WRONG
You might not know what I'm talking about...
But Descartes is brilliant. He knew a lot about how little people can be certain of. He begins first meditations by saying he has assumed a lot of things in his life and should stop that. Eventually it crosses his mind that he might be dreaming, and that his body isn't real, its just a piece of the dream. He tries to somehow prove he is awake, but it seems no matter what he thinks he could just be dreaming. Even his mathematics, 2+3=5 might be fictions that he made up in a dream. He doubts everything... and eventually he finds one thing he can't deny.
He says he must exist. Because, if he were to doubt his existience, it would require HIM existing. Brilliant.
But he didn't know exactly what he was if he couldn't be certain his body was real. Even though he knew HE existed, he could just be a ghostly imagination making everything material around him up. His body could still be part of some dream or deception. So he goes from here to ASSUME he is nothing but a thing that thinks.
Full of crap.
Because I'm more than a thing that thinks.
I am a brain. Yes, it takes a physical brain in order to think. If you removed a chunk of my brain essential for moving my hands then I would never be able to move my hands, thus never think those hand moving thoughts. If you took out the piece of my brain that helped me store memories I'd never make new memories. I need it to think. I am not only a thing that thinks, I am a PHYSICAL thing that thinks. You see, with Descartes' assumption and his declaration that you can never be certain your body is real he invented a dualist universe, where spirits and bodies coexisted. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SPIRIT.
Sorry if you believed before.
I'm obsessive. More than ever.
I'm lonely.
So lonely...
And dizzy.
I've been eating...
but I've never been so
on track
stay beautiful
I could say I'm tired but I don't know how true that is. I can somehow still run for miles and miles even though I barely have enough energy to feel. Serious. Sometimes I can see my hands touching, but I can't feel what I'm touching. Instead I get the sensation of blood sloshing in my arms or something, like my body is so weak that the blood accidentally flows the wrong way sometimes. I know this isn't true, if I can run for miles I still have a strong heart.
But it might be all I have.
I'm so weak... I plank for 2 minutes and almost pass out. I saw the ground 1 millimeter from my face, but I was higher than that... it was just my vision spinning. Whenever I close my eyes I feel myself spinning. I like to imagine I'm just more perceptive and feel the rotation of the Earth.
Descartes is full of crap.
Serious... He was blinded by his opinion that God existed. It caused him to make a mistake in the First and Second meditations... well mostly second. "I am precisely and only a thing that thinks"
WRONG
You might not know what I'm talking about...
But Descartes is brilliant. He knew a lot about how little people can be certain of. He begins first meditations by saying he has assumed a lot of things in his life and should stop that. Eventually it crosses his mind that he might be dreaming, and that his body isn't real, its just a piece of the dream. He tries to somehow prove he is awake, but it seems no matter what he thinks he could just be dreaming. Even his mathematics, 2+3=5 might be fictions that he made up in a dream. He doubts everything... and eventually he finds one thing he can't deny.
He says he must exist. Because, if he were to doubt his existience, it would require HIM existing. Brilliant.
But he didn't know exactly what he was if he couldn't be certain his body was real. Even though he knew HE existed, he could just be a ghostly imagination making everything material around him up. His body could still be part of some dream or deception. So he goes from here to ASSUME he is nothing but a thing that thinks.
Full of crap.
Because I'm more than a thing that thinks.
I am a brain. Yes, it takes a physical brain in order to think. If you removed a chunk of my brain essential for moving my hands then I would never be able to move my hands, thus never think those hand moving thoughts. If you took out the piece of my brain that helped me store memories I'd never make new memories. I need it to think. I am not only a thing that thinks, I am a PHYSICAL thing that thinks. You see, with Descartes' assumption and his declaration that you can never be certain your body is real he invented a dualist universe, where spirits and bodies coexisted. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SPIRIT.
Sorry if you believed before.
I'm obsessive. More than ever.
I'm lonely.
So lonely...
And dizzy.
I've been eating...
but I've never been so
on track
stay beautiful
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