I don't appreciate being treated this way

I know how useless anger is at accomplishing things. But right now I have nothing to build. I want to feel justified being angry or upset or any of those other 'negative' feelings that other people don't want to see. And I want to be free to express those feelings to the shits that attempt to talk about my suffering.

I think its hilarious that when I saw my mother today and she basically gave me $150, told me I was treating her like shit (i was) and left.
Don't put yourself into these sort of relationships if you can help it.

I attempted to set up boundaries of what we could or could not talk about. She crossed those boundaries. I was cross with her. I'm a total dick when I want to be. Suck me.



Anyways besides that I wasted my life on video games today. Morning started out with an accidental fast, but I decided its okay to eat at some point during the day. $20 is the cheapest I've seen a kilogram of creatine before so I decided it would be a fun thing to try sometime. I might start working out again... I don't really see it though. Right now I have no focus in life. I'm mentally recovering from financial stress, but I've always kept such a strong budget that I never have to worry about completely running out of funds. I also have an account that is set aside. I do live my life as though that could collapse at any time because I just don't trust it. I can't just trust that I'm not getting scammed somewhere.




Some people are happy with me. Some I don't know what they feel.
I don't know what I feel most of the time. I think that is the point of this blog. I'm sorting it out. Also I really want to show my ugliest features somewhere. Also I often feel like I'm not supposed to feel something that I really do feel and that suppresses that. Going back to the beginning of today's post I want to fully express my anger, but all I did today was be a dick. I want to inflict so much more damage to something.
I don't know yet if I want to kill something- or do something else that is criminal. I just want to be allowed to express anger. I hate how I don't get to be genuine with my feelings.

Am I allowed to lose weight when I am the current weight that I am? I don't even know how much I weigh. If you are reading this and are curious I can weigh myself at work tomorrow. We have a scale that weighs incoming product and shipments. I can turn it on and step on and report back tomorrow night what the official number is.

Its something I'll consider for whoever it is that reads these posts.

I've never broken a promise

I might travel for the summer again. I might be rooted in this same mundane life that I'm currently in.

There are people that want me to go: they are the majority. There are those that want me to stay: they enjoy me.


I have a friend who's birthday is today. Its 2 hours in... what shall I say?
I'm sorry I've been ignoring you. I have been thinking about you. I've been thinking about how little love i have for you and how much love you have for me. I've been thinking about how if I got close enough you would attempt to snuff out this illness: which I love more than you. I've been thinking about how sick I'd like you to be. How lazy you are. How much I despise that.
I forgive you, but I don't need to. You have done nothing wrong except falsely accuse me of not caring and not being helpful. I've financially assisted you. I've given you my time and I've tried to help with your day to day health and happiness when I'm with you. Even when its hurt me... Except I have a pain threshold that prevents me from getting to close. I'd rather be alone than with you.

I really don't want to be alone.

but again I'd rather be alone than live with cognitive dissonance.

I did something fun today. I moved a couch.
Couches are often literally too fat to go through a door without considerable effort. Glad I'm not that fat.
The friend who I helped was exhausted by the end. I've always found a way to give less effort and get the job done. That is how I feel about everything. School. Weight loss. Work. I've always done the least work I can and I'm actually proud of it.


If I travel I promise I'll take pictures that I will post here. You'll get to know exactly where I'll be if I get accepted. You can probably report me if you wanted because I'll probably post my face on here because I'm okay with being exposed now. I want more readers. I also want to disclose that I'm not open currently to making money with this blog right now. I might attempt to do a research based blog on food at some point that I could see myself attempting to monetize, but I want an audience right now.


I'm honestly that desperate for attention.

Apple Cider Vinegar

I remember the first time I found meal replacement shakes.

I told a friend that was thin that I didn't have to eat food anymore. I just found a secret way to get 300 calories a day and all my nutrients for the day and not feel hungry. 3 shakes a day! thats it. If you want to make it delicious it can be 500 calories a day. Who cares because you still are deficient in calories so live it up and splurge on flavor!
My friend didn't respond well.

I should know I'm different. It just sucks to be reminded in that way.

For real tho. If you struggle with overeating substituting a protein shake for a meal is a godsend. At the point my life is currently at I'm so lazy I do it most of the time for fun/because i enjoy it/because its easy/because I've forgotten how to eat normally. And its one of the things I like about myself.


Another fun thing to discover was the power of vinegar to help with blood sugar headaches. Apple cider vinegar is revitalizing for me when my blood sugar feels like its dropped. I don't even know why.

I'm actually afraid of Conjugated Linoleic-Acid because it feels like I'm not hungry from having something stuck in my throat all day. Its a wonderful supplement that helps suppress hunger and raise basal metabolic rate. I don't take this one because I feel like it would work too well.

Low on energy? Spirulina can keep me awake at 5am. Its a photosynthesizing bacteria that has a compound called phycocyanin that does miracles. It has clinical data that shows it helps the liver do a lot of work and its useful for weight loss. Its crazy to me that the hype hasn't been brought to the public eye more. Not enough people ask for this stuff.

I'm sorry... I have a dead brain today... I can't think right now.
I'm just an advertisement.

Unlucky

Normally my spending is way down, but from disasters to splurging on expensive stuff I might have spent $2000 in the past month. Very little of that money was on food.

I think I'm losing weight.
There are a few warning signs such as clothes that used to be tight not being tight and getting cold no matter what. The chills at night are the worst part of dancing into a lower weight. It feels like your body temperature can't get warm. You'll have every blanket on... I mean its early spring right now and it feels like my chest never gets that warm feeling that it does when i catch a good ray of sun in the summer. Even the daytime sun doesn't warm me enough this early in the season.

The chill reminds me of how alone I feel. Mostly because I've noticed that the chill doesn't exist if I am satisfied with someone.
Maybe its as simple as getting my mind off of it.
But who is really in control?


I feel like I eat normally, but every once and a while someone tries to explain what they eat to me and it reminds me I'm not the same. I'm never going to be the same...
I just have too few moments of weakness. I ate some carbohydrate heavy lentil crisps. Nothing over 400 calories worth of course, but still considered a mistake by my brain even if I do consider myself recovered. Other people mini guilt trip themselves when they eat off course so why can't I? Besides that all my other 'slip ups' have been me eating a little of a chocolate bar or truffle. I bought truffles recently just for me. It took me a week to eat a small 6 oz box of truffles.
I really do love chocolate.


Lately I've been fantasizing about planning out a fast.
I don't know why these things cross my mind.

Happiness Withdrawal

I cried a little today.

Want to know why?

I cried because I was remembering something

I was happy

I cried because it was bothering me why I was so productive on a certain day 2 weeks ago. I couldn't figure out what I ate or what helped me sleep right. Why did I have so much motivation that one day?

Its spring and I wore a sweater today because the mood of today lowered my body temperature. I've lost a lot of mental energy and emotional stamina trying to forget... And if you know my blog you'll know I wouldn't break my principles and drink alcohol or do drugs to forget. I have to live through this: punishing memories that I have to serve like prison terms.


Its so silly because these memories freshly created- knowing what happiness feels like- are dead before the flowers of the season. The suffering of losing them will wilt before summer begins... Unless I get another dose.


I feel old now. The blogging community that I originally joined has left to live their life while I'm still here.
I'm still thinking these thoughts... I wonder if anyone else in that community still tries to lose weight.
Feels like the only thing I've accomplished is the happiness that isn't even in my control.



Its in her control

Reaching out for help

Its so easy to feel unwanted when you pursue others and the only response you seem to get is no.


But I understand.
I know what i want is so difficult to find that I'd chase the shadow of understanding it.



Restricting calories alone probably isn't sufficient to lose weight every time. The formula seems obvious, but when you actually abstain from food for a long time it just doesn't always translate into reduction in mass. Part of it probably has to do with how a damaged metabolism won't be able to transport and burn off solid mass as well as a healthier metabolism.
I always wondered why eating disorders were more rituals of punishment than they were delving into information that helps you understand how weight loss is achieved and how best to achieve it. There are more efficient ways to lose weight that don't necessitate constant starvation.

What are they?
I think about it all the time. Do I really know the answer that i insinuate as being obvious?
Eating indigestible fibers seems like a solid plan. Low calorie but high amount of soluble fiber sounds fairly comfortable when it comes to feeling like appetite is appeased. It also achieves caloric restriction and helps feed probiotics which are known influencers of metabolism. I'm assuming it works.

I've also heard of a week long diet regime in an article about diabetes where type 2 diabetes was reversed in most of the patients (some number around 80%) by doing a week long olive oil and vegetable broth diet once every month. Raising blood sugar feels like the best way to gain weight and so I feel like this could be an effective way to lose weight by combating that.

Keto? Maybe that works? It sure feels better than trying your hardest to move when you have no energy or not faint until the evening. Feels better than hearing your heartbeat all day because your senses are heightened and you probably should eat but all you do is drink more water hoping it helps you feel full enough to keep going.


And why do we even do this? Would this even be a problem if we felt loved in the first place?