Rereading what I never finished

5 Mandarins today. That is my rations. At least I have food today... And tomorrow I tend to have nothing.
For the most part I try to eat; I'm just so afraid of food because it costs money and I don't have money.
If I could afford food...

I'd like nachos
Portabello mushrooms for every entree
I'd try this interesting pumkin ice cream recipe I found
I might feel alright about thanksgiving.

I hate thanksgiving.
I wish I could just eat popcorn and not worry about family or having to prepare something special.
Popcorn is probably one of my favorite foods. I mean I can afford the seeds, its easy to make and has practically no calories. I think the weight loss is some evidence of that, because I eat a whole bowl of popcorn sometimes andwhile my body feels like it has eaten I've probably consumed less calories than if i ate an apple.

Not totally sure on that though...

And yet microwave popcorn is a fear food.


I'm just not getting better...

I tried one of those organic soup cartons while i was sick. I didn't refrigerate it after opening and phooey it ruined the leftovers. I actually like those.

Hm... and by like I mean its one of those foods I want to eat.
Its weird... most of the time not wanting to eat, then sometimes wanting it. I'm pretty sure I think about food all the time, but sometimes I am in a look but don't touch mood.
Like now.


I need some progress.
I hate haircuts. That happened too.
Some people need to be happy to live. I just need things to do. I need work.

What I have now isn't good enough and i feel it.



stay beautiful

Whims

Alright so I'm looking quite a bit fragile. Like I'd love to show you, but you have to bear with me. The bones on my back are really showing. The rest of me looks fine honestly. If anything I look like I usually do; which is fit. 

So the short story of today is that I was asked for a survey what my height and weight are. And then, this is college so the people taking this survey weighed us to see how close we were to our guesses. I was 20 lbs off. I'm honestly at my lowest weight. I'm also dreaming cold, but I also ate all I care to for this night. I feel like I'm actually going to gain weight because I are a cliff bar and god those things are calories, but it's cool I could use a little weight. Not gonna freak about it, just Jesus I wanna stay away if I want to get eve lighter, which now that I am thinking about it would be pretty cool. I doubt with being over 6 feet tall I can ever skim close to 100 lbs but if I try I might get really close.

I digress do I?

Meh now I want to sleep

Stay beautiful

125 pounds 6 foot one

Apparently I am now my lowest weight

Dearest Leavers

I have a problem of never wanting to move on.
I miss her... In fact she might even come by sometime to read this.
Who? Well she deleted everything. I doubt she wants to be spoken of... or to.


Have you ever dreamt about something that could come true?
Those are the dreams that really stick with me.


What happened when reality turns up and things get the chance to get better, but then you don't take that chance. Will those be the new dreams?
I think I'm going to be stuck here for a while. That is why I need some money. Modest survival. Transportation. Warmth. I just need enough money for these things. I'll work out the rest with just a bit left over. Or I will... find something free to enjoy.
Or maybe another job.
Work doesn't tire me very much.
Its getting over the fears of applying that hurts the most. If I can just do it... I've applied... I just need to do the rest of the trials.

So many things at my back. Always. Right now these things make me feel like I stand alone, but when I am alone and have the time to myself my memories remind me that I used to have people. I used to talk with people I cared about.
I even talked to her once.
I still miss her words.


I'll just have to keep trying and maybe some new memory will come up to block the old one

Stay beautiful

What to name a Vlog?

If I could just do things right...

I should really organize this mess of Magic cards tonight.
My nose tingles.
Also how do you keep snot from running down your throat? I don't remember this being a problem before Tuesday, but since then its like my body has no idea how to do anything else with mucus. I try blowing my nose whenever I can...


I had to share a shift a work with my sister: that is we both were supposed to be working. I ended up doing everything and she slept in the back.
I tried to keep her awake, but she zoned me out because her body is always so sleep deprived that she just slept through it. And when our shift was over she luckily woke up.

Whats funny to me though... is she didn't sleep because she found a guy and hung out with him quite late last night.
And well... I've sort of found a girl and I can't tell her much about this girl because I don't know her enough yet. But I will try to know her.



Something that eludes me is whether people are giving signals or simply being friendly. Sammie said it was so nice to meet me because we share similar interests, and while the interests are indeed similar they aren't the same yet. But they will be, she wants me to teach her Magic- I have a collection of over 1 million cards- and I want her to encourage me to read/watch game of thrones. Or just be there with me while I watch the show... That would be nice.


I really do have some things to do. I need a second job. An actual job, since all I do now is fill hours.
Just I've got other things to focus on and... I've always been confused as to when the proper time to look for job is and how to time it with your application. I'll have to work it out. I think a 1-2 day timeline for every action.
1 day application
1 or 2 days to get in the store I apply to and find manager to talk to
1 or 2 days later persist
1 or 2 days later persist again.
Then wait.


Hmmmm...
That is probably coming on too strong, but I'd rather not be forgotten when it comes to this kind of thing.


Memories


Stay beautiful

Winggodbrother

I think I am bipolar.

Well my sister is officially diagnosed bipolar and on medication for it, but my life in one momentous night flashed in the other direction. Yeah my throat is a little scratchy and I'm still $600 in debt but I had the most excellent wingman of my life help with just talking to someone that might help me.

Not because she wants to or is specifically qualified for it; just because she motivates me and honestly made me happy tonight.

I'm a nerd and wingman is a nerd too. He has a girlfriend and I've been trying to give advice, because he asks for it, on how to connect with his girlfriend. And he tells me: dude you know what to do, if you just found a girl you wanted. I tell you what, tonight we are going to be playing magic and this how girl is going to come up and say "oh you play magic! That's so cool!" 

And I kid you not those were the first words out of her mouth.

Like... I'm considering making a vlog. Which requires confidence and a ton to talk about. Possibly even preparation to do it the way I want, but I'm ready. 

100 push-ups, even with this sick body so easy. I haven't worked out in ages.

Happiness is so so precious. I can even cure myself if I wanted to, but I'd rather just ride the energy of this happiness and continue to live off of no food. With the energy this gives me I can workout again (so far) and who knows I might get thinner.

I love this disease more than someone I just met.

But let's give her a chance, hopefully she gives me a chance, and I will try to do things right.

I could really use a friend like her. So whatever I can offer her I should give, because if I give and she gives our connection with bloom.

So I got her number tonight, I was thinking text her tomorrow (wingman said wait a whole day more, but I don't believe in any 48 hour or 3 day rules) and ask for to meet for coffee either at the place we met or another cafe dedicated to raising money to combat human sex trafficking or an afternoon lunch at a vegan cafe I am fond of. 

I just want to be a nice person is all.

Her name is Sammie

And this is all thanks to my wingman. Friends really can help you out of dark places.

Stay beautiful

Success, health, and death

I haven't eat on Tuesdays for weeks until now. Its been wake up at 6am get to work at 7:30 and then take a mile walk during my lunch break, ride my bike to a coffee shop and most likely not order anything, ride bike home, drive to another coffee shop and against maybe or maybe not order something. No caffeine at the later coffee shop.
So what maybe a lemonade? Yeah last time i had an Italian peach lemonade (carbonated lemonade)

I've forgotten to eat on some Mondays too...
I've for the most part given up on life altogether.
I'm in debt and for the most part I don't buy anything.
This 'job' i currently have is only Tuesdays. There aren't other hours available. I probably have some serious anxiety problems that prevent me from going out and applying for another job, but even if it were serious I'm pretty sure I'm stronger than it when i want to be.

Problem is...
I don't want to live.


Why was today the exception?
Well I was feeling especially sick with my body and my mind. I honestly didn't want to eat, whereas before I just didn't feel like putting through any effort.
I tend to fight better when the opposition is stronger. I've noticed that. I fail at easy things and get so close to succeeding at the difficult ones.

Honestly I don't even care about most of the 'important' things. There are other things more important to me. Completely out of reach yes, but still the forefront of my concern and therefore even though I have no interaction with what I am living for... it keeps me here.



I have to apologize about the previous post. Something that doesn't come across this blog much is that I have periods of sensitivity like everyone else. I'm not sure many readers would believe it if they only know me from this blog, but I'm known to have a sense of humor in the material world.
The point is I was being melodramatic. Eating really doesn't kill you, but dammit it hurt and I couldn't sleep for that night because eating, after such a long period of fasting, honestly was painful.


My head is still in a daze. I'm still coughing up air sometimes, but I will survive today.
I will be useless tomorrow.

I'm only alive because there are some things that still care about. Even though my success, future, and health aren't among those.


Stay beautiful