don't know what

Of course I want more time.
And of course I don't deserve it.

Tomorrow I hope to clear some things out of my head.
I'm surprised I haven't gained weight.
Then again I do accidentally go most of the day without eating.
Can you believe I'm actually afraid of some foods still?
I still can't have two desserts
I still can't eat too much in a meal even if I skipped the previous one.
I have to eat my foods in a certain order and some foods aren't allowed at certain times of the day.
When it gets late enough at night I'm almost not allowed to eat anything.

Popcorn is one of my few safe foods, and that is only because I make it myself. Microwave popcorn is off limits.

I wish I had a group of people I could talk to about this stuff that I don't have to worry about exposing me.

Like... I can't let my family know.
Its not like its even a serious health concern anyways.
I've never really put myself in danger.
But my sister has problems and I can't let her know that I share...
I can't let her know that I don't like my weight and think I'm fat. Everyone would think I'm insane or impossible to understand if they knew I think that.
I don't want to think


stay beautiful

People are parrots

Repeating what they hear.
Afraid of new things
and so...

what is the word? The word that describes how pathetic their memory is, how easily distracted they are, how mundane what they talk about is... What is it?


Some people are so fake
like me
But sometimes I look at a person and I feel like I see right through them and can see how weak they are. In myself I can at least see that I'm stronger than how I'm acting, but there are some others... I don't know why they deserve to live when I really don't want to be here.

I keep getting urges.
To drive off the road
to plunge a knife into something
to fall from high buildings


I feel like breaking the rules. I just want to leave this game.

I think I just want to work for remedial money, enough to afford my fair share of silence and distance. And then I want to help people, while always refusing to let anyone help me.

I wish I could admit to the people that ask how I am
that I hate life, and I'd rather not they ask about why I feel that way.

but they always persist

even I don't know why I hate existing.



stay beautiful

Are you waiting?

Because I'm just not good enough to be playing any games.


stay beautiful

A new line of poetry

People will tell me that they wish they had a mind like mine. That can just learn things sometimes or remember as well as I sometimes do. But even I wish I had a mind like that. I don't get to use my mind.
Often times I remember only what it feels like to burn for change. And I spend a lot of time burying this memory, but it always comes back.
I really don't want to be who I currently am.

And yet its been so long since I've really tried.
Anything other than neutralizing myself.
Blending together all the things I remember with the things I forget...

I'm not sure anymore
as to what my passion is
I don't even want
a future

I just want a better ending.



stay beautiful

Sometimes I sits

Does the word ghost imply incompleteness?

Without a body you can't possibly be whole, some those people that lose their minds in their altered state of reality... well they don't fit with the type of people that are whole so lets call them ghosts too. Or zombies.

Are horror creatures reflections of a fear of living a fragmented life? We are afraid of zombies because they are bodies without the pain and they will cause us to lose the power to make decisions for ourselves because... all we will want to do is eat your brains.
Your brains.

I've been eating. I want to run it off.
I'll probably have my headphones in today. That will take my mind off what I'm doing when I'm going long distances. It makes it easier.
My mind just makes we weaker


Don't think



stay beautiful

I had a chance

I've saved a sizable number of emails from the days where email was one of my primary means of communication.

I really admire the me that used to drop quotes at the end of every message. Now I wonder if I even care enough to do it... 

I think I've become placid.

haha

Then I look up what placid actually means and I wonder why the word ever popped into my head.

I'm the watered down past me.

Looking back to the emails... I feel I was just as intelligent then as I am now. With less anxiety and closer friends. And... better kept secrets.

I wonder who I will be tomorrow.

Quick update... Found a new addicting video game by starting a LoL account. Broke my headphones so I'm demotivated on running... I would like my music, but now I'm considering doing the exercise just out of some directionless spite. I'm behind in school and that sort of cascades into doing worse and worse... I think the professor has determined I don't care that much.

I might not care.

Or I might be afraid.

Why?

I'm not sure

stay beautiful

I think feeling good sucks

i ran because it is healthy to

i ate because it is healthy to

i'm really not a fan of this recovered lifestyle.



Stay beautiful

If only

I do need help

But I'd rather get sleep.

I can't do that yet.
I have something to do first.



stay beautiful

Rent

I'm probably depressed.

I don't like it put that way. Depressed sounds like a noun. Like I am depressed. Just depressed. Not a person who is depressed, but the feeling depressed.

I stink. I'll admit that.
I'm just too mentally unstable to sleep. I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. So useless.

I want to do easy things, like talk about how beautiful beauty is and how freeing it is to be free. I want to convince people that death is good. Love should be free. Social chains are only as heavy as you make them... or as heavy as they are imposed.

That can be avoided right?
Its right to kill when it saves.
Its also always wrong to kill and you should feel that.


I want to be in a place where I have enough money to sleep.
It takes far too much money to have a place to sleep.


Stay beautiful