Blightning

3am?

And I have to be awake by 6:30am?
I can do it.
In fact I deserve this punishment to my body.
I bet I do.


Its strange. I'm not so tired now... but throughout my day I felt sick. Almost like how I used to feel when I was at my lowest weight, where I had sore eyes from keeping them open because I couldn't sleep with my body begging me to eat.
Although sometimes I would sleep like a rock, but those mornings I woke almost paralyzed and so hollow.

My memory isn't functioning so well right now.
My whole mind isn't.

What else could I expect?

What am I going to do tomorrow?
Sleep?
I hope so...


I can't concentrate...
Maybe if I put some effort in my body I would feel better...
but this sickness feels so good.


stay beautiful

deprived

I'm not sleeping right
now working right now
Not getting labwork done.

I'm now very tired in the eyes
but my legs tingle
and my stomach is bloated
and my mind foggy.
At least I have food for tomorrow. Safe foods.

I never thought about it before, but I have a mental checklist of safe foods.
Sometimes I can't eat anything else but the safe stuff.
I'm not sure if this qualifies me as still sick or not.

I hate who I am.
I feel like such a fake.
How can I be eating disordered when I am such a good pretender of the healthy and happy lifestyle?
I feel like Hamlet, who by pretending to be mad becomes mad.

By pretending to be sane I've passed all the standards of society. I'm one of them.
And I hate that person too.

I've appeared so happy lately, but the poisonous nectar drips deeper in my veins.
The cravings are worsening.

I feel so close to relief.
So close to sleep.

But sleep... and death... and the end to these feelings are not even existent in my dreams.
I don't know what I'm dreaming of in the precious little time I gave myself this week.

I've lived at coffee shops, but haven't bought a cup of coffee for a long time. I don't drink coffee. I like instead being so close to the thing I desire and not getting it.

I remember once I was a character on a page.
I drank whiskey slower than a dripping faucet would fill a pint class.
I fooled people into thinking I was smiling, even in fiction.
I was a snake. One of those animals that hunts helpless prey. And consumes.


Its all consuming me


stay beatiful

One Color

Sometimes people are plain boring


Really some people feel different. I'm mostly talking females, but I've seen some males that are extraordinary people... but what I think about all the time is the way some females feel. I don't know if its bones that I feel or the vitality of a healthy body... its just when the frame of a person isn't insulated in fat it feels so much different. Its an emotional tier above the squishy flesh that the others feel like.

My words are the only piece of me that could possibly contend with that feeling. Sometimes I speak art. Those nights where I talk to the stars... I seem to have all the right words sometimes.
And then I talk for my daily life.
or I blog.
Its nothing when I think of the art I have lived before.


I want greatness at any cost.
I would bleed for you greatness. Never sleep again. Die...
I just need it.


But more than greatness right now I want that feeling again.
I hate just getting a touch.
There is so much more to beauty than just touch.

Touch is just where it all starts...



stay beautiful

Finish the prelab

Anxiety rushes doing what I'm supposed to.
I find it difficult to do as I should.

You should get a job.
You should do your homework.
You should do the dishes.
You should move out.
You should make new friends.

I want to. But how?
My own body defies me.

Makes me want other things because the things I should be doing are the things I can't do. Like the repulsion of a magnet, the node of an antibond. I can't communicate, can't bring myself near enough to touch the actions I need. Can't cross the threshold. I have a problem existing on that line.

This whole time I'm thinking of someone I lost.
Its almost like she died. And for that I guess I am still in mourning.

But I know its useless to invest your hope
in anyone.

Even myself.


stay beautiful

Kitty lemonade

I have few enough friends and I get so attached that I find it very difficult to make new ones. And then people leave me and I just want to retreat. Starve. Become less.

I remember what it was like being dizzy. Sure it was lonely, but it was hazy and didn't hurt as much. Living life on empty was my painkiller for the loneliness that I can't fight.

I don't have it in me to fight...

But its my fault for losing the people I care about. Still it seems cruel ironic that when my mind changes and I fall in love with someone they have to leave me. They can't even stick around and let my convince them that I have changed back.

And I didn't even do anything to prompt it.

Just a few words...

Stay beautiful

Could you be convinced?

"He wants to enslave you"
"I shudder at the thought of being free"


But not everyone can be saved from enslavement. Not everyone can be freed by saying yes or giving in.
You might not want to be free.
Might not think you deserve it.


I often don't think I deserve life.
I'm not sure I deserve a job. I could use one though. It would take away from this freedom I've been abusing.
Freedom is a terrible thing.

So is youth and beauty.
But... only because it can be destroyed and when it is destroyed we have nothing to cure the wounds with.
Where there used to be something glorious is now scabs.

I have so little will to live these days.
More than living... I just want to feel comforted and so I seek that.
I never find it.
I nourish my body perfectly fine, but its a different craving i seek to fulfill.

Maybe I can find my solace in books again.


stay beautiful

Mumble

I know nothing
says the intelligent ones
says everyone

it doesn't matter
doesn't everyone say that?

bye...
why?

What if I was never here?
Never heard a word you said?

Its hard for me to be convinced that... the person that writes here exists.
I'm just so... different in the world.
I don't remember the last time I've done something to be beautiful.
I've given up.

I guess its a good time to leave me
lots of people have been leaving my life


I'm having trouble facing it all.
So I do these things that don't let me think.
But then I lose myself.
or the me that I think I am.
Maybe I really am this concise
hollow
thoughtless
hopeless
coward

and not the book that I want to be.


I wonder what other people are doing with their lives.
Has anything changed?
I'm in the same place doing the same things feeling even less than I've felt before.
Things are breaking but I don't even stop long enough to think how to fix them.

The things I want to do...
I'm not even sure of those anymore.

I don't have any direction.
Nor power. I used to be powerful... and am I just going to complain that I'm not what I used to be? That I can't sleep right? That my dreams are crushed and so is my courage? I can't go out and try to do the things I want because I've been broken.
Its sad.
I'm just repeating myself.
Probably for a month or two or four.
Dammit.
I need to break something else.


Do you know why I named this post mumble?
Its because I'm constantly hearing people ask me what I said to them. Always. My whole life in fact. And they always accuse me of mumbling, but I don't believe I mumble that much. I believe I say things so glaringly obvious that people don't believe it came from my mouth. I'm expected to say astute things. I'm expected to make a peculiar observation every time. I've even been fooled into trying to live up to this expectation. I actually get angry when I'm wasting words. I'm always harping on how others say things they don't mean. When I do it people say I mumble.

Well how true is it?


stay beautiful

Roses to remember

Suicide
I think of her all the time.

Ice griped my brain as I watched the blades spin. I wanted to reach in to feel what pain felt like again.
you know what pain feels like
Oh... but I wanted to remember.

My tongue slipped
So I brushed myself off and tried to continue talking
but there wasn't anything to say.
Just answer the question.


What do you dream about?
Only beautiful things
like death and happiness.
But real life isn't like dreams. You don't get to die so painlessly


stay beautiful