Relief by mob

Ran in a mob.
Of naked people.
Naked

Why? because others were doing it. because I don't feel like I have much time left here. because it allowed me to take the burden I felt and throw it in to the mob.
No one felt like I do
Diffusion so to speak

And... I'm still feeling like I was never sad in my life. High off the happiness of others.
But how long will that last?

Only...
I knew this.
I know my happiness depends on others. I need other people to be happy and I need to make THEM happy for me to be happy.


Otherwise I feel this intense hungering
never getting full or satisfied
dragging myself sad
and stubborn
refusing to get help or help myself
Not giving a damn
Wanting death
wishing it on others
Hate
and more hate

So this is the alternative. To live vicariously the life of a happy pig.
Eat and feel full
Even if that is not what I personally believe in or feel myself
I'll just plug myself in to the feelings of others like some robot

Reflecting on it...
I don't want it to be either way
just want... a future


stay beautiful

Not sure what to do

Even this morning with my disordered eyes I spotted someone else who was eating less than they should be. I believe her nervous glances betrayed her, but I could be dead.

I could be wrong




stay beautiful

Binge and music

Naz... Do you even have a PT anymore?

Ew...
this place
Food
fuck it all
even the people.
Some normal
some thin
almost all of them loud
lucky me... my headphones almost block it all out



I'm actually happier now that I've eaten.
I want to write books. I feel like writing books is the only use of talent I can make at this point. I fell behind in science. And yet, when I analyze how brutish this writing is... how much I emphasize the raw communication.
Its just another ugly part of me.
I don't think any part of me is worth anything
Even my ideas are worth nothing.


I can see why some people say music saves lives.
But tomorrow I might not see it.
I wanted to die... surrounded by this...
Time to steal something  what scares me is that this is the world we live in. We exist in a place where individuals living their truths can be subjected, directly or otherwise, to fear simply for living those truths

there... if you can't read it highlight it. Don't be a dipshit



stay beautiful

Not feeling it

At about 8pm I felt hungry.
That means to me that I'm not sick.
Oh the thought of food felt so delicious.

I was thinking creamy asparagus soup, broccoli with tillamook cheddar, a cranberry smoothie and oh so beautiful pumpkin pastries.
But...
no.

I have to do something the right way.


I don't feel sore until I exercise.
Took a day off from running because that 11 miles put a twinge in my left knee. I mostly took care of it. I'll do some one legged squats now while you peeps are reading this. It really does work... make your quad muscle strong enough with the proper alignment and then it won't pull the knee out of alignment and you'll never get knee pain.

And if you don't like those factoids you wouldn't like me.
I could annoy myself
But I like to be criticized.

No one else does though
this is why I can't be loved



stay beautiful

A little hungry

I'm always sad
But this news made me want to eat out of sadness

I can't do that.
I can't go in that direction
I need to get worse and not better.

I know I'm hurt, but I need to do something tonight. Just to prove I'm sick.





stay beautiful

So what

11 miles

I used to envy that distance
used to wish I could just go out and run it
now I can
But...
I still can't die for this beauty
I eat as a reflex
not good enough

at least I held myself to

11 miles

tomorrow?
maybe some more

stay beautiful

Weak

Trying to get back into losing weight reminds me of how weak I am.

Head starting to ache already. Only been... 6 hours.
Want to run. For an hour.
Next meal in... 3 hours.
So 2 hours to...
to...




stay beautiful

You do it

suddenly I am able to type much faster than I have been able to in the past.
And that sentence took so many attempts... it wasn't even worth the effort.

I've been full in terms of food.
empty in terms of company.

Hm...
Isn't is foreign to have people around but feel just as empty as when they aren't?
It gets even worse when they leave, like the stopper pulled out of the bathtub. Let the water drain away.

It interferes with the way I concentrate. If I want people I tend to think about that.
When my mind doesn't have that burden it can do so much more.

I'm learning things.
Learning that I still don't exceed as a student. That work takes too much work. That the system is built to train slaves- and I mean it, because so many of these people do work without using their mind; searching for the correct answer without the reason for even starting the problem. That being stupid has many advantages.
oh... and I've learned a few things about hybridized orbitals. But not enough about that.
I've learned far too much of the inefficiencies of bureaucracy and how people in the government structures use this system to benefit their own self.
I see around me the products of nights of fun, spent without any consideration of price- whether it be money or health. I think that... one of the reasons I have been so healthy is because I want to lead by example on how to manage the simple things.


and yet I'll never get what I want.

And I don't see myself making the sacrifices to my meals anytime soon to lose weight.
I see myself gaining weight in the future.
I'm actually no excited for the holidays.
I don't want to be around for those.



stay beautiful

No soul

There really isn't a resource for people that want to die.

No... we always have to 'seek help'
and that...
help
it won't save you

Its fucking the same thing that you KNOW is out there
someone that says they will LISTEN
well listening isn't going to bring change

Its sad...

Being me
is sad
pathetic

Its cold
I wonder what it is going to be like when it rains
colder?

Am I ever going to focus on losing weight again?
I'm just so done with wasting my life.
I want to spend it doing something


haze haze day every day
freeze freeze
play dead
play pretend
doesn't even make sense




stay beautiful

For all the gone

There were a few times where I was telling myself I was suffering enough to blog about it
And I only now get around to blogging
When I've forgotten what it all felt like

Vicarious emotions...
Last night I saw productions
Stage emotion bouncing in a room. Angry words and racial relationships and the evil of the womanizer.
I hate having to bear it
But... someone else probably hates it too when it actually happens to them and isn't just pretend.
I'll never be hated like that
It is very unlikely for me to be refused something because of my race
My diversity is boring
I know nothing of my past
Do I even have one?

I hate culture because it leads to nowhere
If everyone held on to their culture until their knuckles turned white then we wouldn't get to talk about it. And while I'd like to be open minded... I'd like to also question the purpose of a culture.
What does identity matter when individually we mean so little?

And no you don't get to believe what you want to believe
I don't get to believe what I want.
I don't get to be accepted for my beliefs.
So if your beliefs are unacceptable the same to you


For the most part men don't seem to like women with curves
For all the organizations pushing for women with curves to have state recognized beauty... good for you
but I don't see the point.
I can find beauty in a person, but optimal beauty doesn't look lumpy.
Do I get to tell the world what beauty is?
no...

I actually like this room
and one of my roommates really respects me
But...
I constantly feel like I should be leaving this life
and shouldn't make bonds because of that

When I move on from this life
I'll simply be dead
no spirit
no afterlife
dead

No more friends


stay beautiful