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I still hear the words "You're so skinny"
But it means nothing...


The air is nauseating.  Saliva in my mouth tells me I ate just a little while ago.  I'm always eating.  I don't know where it all goes.  I hope to God I'm growing.  I don't even believe in God.  But I pay respect to the word.  God is such a beautiful word.
People that know me would know how much I would like to believe in words.  I believe in truth.  Words are truth.  It is the people behind them that lie.  And you can't stop a person from lying.  Words are words...

I feel like a lie.
Am I Anorexic?  No.
But still, people are concerned.  I had a friend ask me yesterday "Why do you say you want to lose weight?"
I had to change the subject.  I wasn't prepared.  I really wanted to explode and protest that I've been gaining weight.  I haven't.  But the illusion deceives me.  I look at the scale and see 145lbs (>70kg).  And I think: I was 145lbs last time.  I was 6'1" last time.  I have friends that are 90lbs...  I wonder what it would be like to be 90lbs...  And it makes me sad.  90lbs would kill me.
Unlike you my goal weight is perfectly reasonable.  It is <150lbs.  I'm there now.  I want to grow taller.

Do I repeat myself?  I feel like I've been using the same words over and over again.


My current life is a joke.
Last week was Dugtrio.
Yesterday was Weezing.
Today is Horsea.

Nothing important.
Every day is nothing but time passing by.

Pokemon.


I should know it won't save me.  I'll always want to be lower.  But it has been months since I went a day without eating.

Saturday... I almost did it.  I woke up almost late for work.  I rushed there without food.  I was too busy to take a lunch.  But my boss's wife bought me something...
I had water.


I could have been like you and thrown it away.
I hate you.
You, reading this.
Because I want so badly to live like you do.
Because I want so badly to be like you again.
Because I want you so badly and I know its wrong and you don't want me.
I really only hate you because you don't want me.


I've asked myself why I like people.
"Man is a social Animal"
Axioms don't teach anything.  They tell you what you already know.

I really don't know what you give me.  I feel safer even if I am the stronger of us.  I feel loved even if you are heartless to me.  I feel warmer even if we are both cold.  I feel relaxed even if we are both in pain. 


I don't see how a guy like me can say these things.  I don't know what life is like with a companion.  All I have is my imagination.
And it was never good enough for me to invent a friend.



stay beautiful