Nothing to say

I just want to be noticed.


I'm making all kinds of mistakes.  And I'm faililng to make use of my time.  Lets just call that another mistake.
"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"


I'm at that point in my life where what I feel is the most important thing in my life.
If I'm hungry, my gosh I'm so hungry I have to eat.

And I'm rarely sad, but sometimes I'm sad.  I'm dominated by skin.
And its so cold.

I had another camp.  I'm unenthusiastic because I've gotten to the point where the pain given from drum corps isn't going to be enough.  I recover in a day.  I'm already fine.


I don't want to say anything, but I keep opening my mouth because I just want to be noticed.



stay beautiful

Delusional

Not yet.

I keep wanting to do things: starve, run, push-ups, bleed, vomit, diet, sleep, walk, read, hold my breath...  and a voice tells me 'not yet'

I don't understand...



On the bright side I have been reading a book.  I have been reading a book.
In this book a woman is lifelinked to a powerful storm wizard.  The lifelink causes her to receive the feedback from his emotions; so if he ever feels strongly, then she will too.  She is a chaos wizard.  She is beautiful, and he lusts for her.  But if she hurts him it goes back to her, and if she kills him she dies too.  He can hurt her without consequence because the lifelink only goes one way.  So she hates him.
The point is...  he loves her.  But she can't see it.  She attacks him when he looks at her even though she can feel what he feels.  It breaks him, but she keeps on breaking him.  She asks for space; and he gives it to her.  Butshe would use that space forever and he knows, so he comes back.  He forces her to look into his eyes and then...


Well...  if you are interested you might want to read the story for yourself.



stay beautiful

Home

I still hear the words "You're so skinny"
But it means nothing...


The air is nauseating.  Saliva in my mouth tells me I ate just a little while ago.  I'm always eating.  I don't know where it all goes.  I hope to God I'm growing.  I don't even believe in God.  But I pay respect to the word.  God is such a beautiful word.
People that know me would know how much I would like to believe in words.  I believe in truth.  Words are truth.  It is the people behind them that lie.  And you can't stop a person from lying.  Words are words...

I feel like a lie.
Am I Anorexic?  No.
But still, people are concerned.  I had a friend ask me yesterday "Why do you say you want to lose weight?"
I had to change the subject.  I wasn't prepared.  I really wanted to explode and protest that I've been gaining weight.  I haven't.  But the illusion deceives me.  I look at the scale and see 145lbs (>70kg).  And I think: I was 145lbs last time.  I was 6'1" last time.  I have friends that are 90lbs...  I wonder what it would be like to be 90lbs...  And it makes me sad.  90lbs would kill me.
Unlike you my goal weight is perfectly reasonable.  It is <150lbs.  I'm there now.  I want to grow taller.

Do I repeat myself?  I feel like I've been using the same words over and over again.


My current life is a joke.
Last week was Dugtrio.
Yesterday was Weezing.
Today is Horsea.

Nothing important.
Every day is nothing but time passing by.

Pokemon.


I should know it won't save me.  I'll always want to be lower.  But it has been months since I went a day without eating.

Saturday... I almost did it.  I woke up almost late for work.  I rushed there without food.  I was too busy to take a lunch.  But my boss's wife bought me something...
I had water.


I could have been like you and thrown it away.
I hate you.
You, reading this.
Because I want so badly to live like you do.
Because I want so badly to be like you again.
Because I want you so badly and I know its wrong and you don't want me.
I really only hate you because you don't want me.


I've asked myself why I like people.
"Man is a social Animal"
Axioms don't teach anything.  They tell you what you already know.

I really don't know what you give me.  I feel safer even if I am the stronger of us.  I feel loved even if you are heartless to me.  I feel warmer even if we are both cold.  I feel relaxed even if we are both in pain. 


I don't see how a guy like me can say these things.  I don't know what life is like with a companion.  All I have is my imagination.
And it was never good enough for me to invent a friend.



stay beautiful

I have an ugly face

I would like to pass out.

I'm supposed to write an essay tonight.  A short 1 page essay.  It feels too easy.  But I can't start.
I... feel so small.
I feel useless.
I feel uneducated.

I've lost the word.

My body is the only thing valuable about me.
I've lost every word.

You see this: is my current level of talent.
I can exegesis.
Whatever that means.
But I can't write.

Conjuncture.  Search for more.
Its in there.
Water.

Okay.  It should take effect soon.
Swallow.

Cold.




I watched the surface of the water as music played.  It never stops moving.  I wish I was like that.
This is going to be a long entry.  I have to write until I start the essay.

I'll try to summarize the topic for you.  You can see for yourself how simple the assignment is.
I don't know why I can't start it.  And why I couldn't start it before.  I tried.  Honestly. 

We watched a Movie "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington"
The movie starts out with some Senator dying.  The mayor is told the news, or maybe he is a governer.  Anyways, when a political member of congress (or at least in the Senate) is removed from office (death removes them from office btw) there is something called a "special election."  A special election allows for a new member to be 'voted' in by representatives instead of the people to replace the old guy immediately.  There is very little public involvement in this, but the people do have some say.  So they try to choose a guy that will serve their corrupt political goals.  Doesn't work.  The public declines.
The main plot revolves around a single bill, where $5 dollars is going to the building of a Damn for "power supplies for the people in the area" providing for all the families around a place called Willit Creek.  Turns out only one man owns land around that plot of land, he is a business owner and he holds regular meetings with the Senator he bribed in order to get that section of the bill written.
They need to fill a position still.  The Mayor guy that selects the candidate is told by his kid that "Mr. Smith" is the most American guy there is.  But Jefferson Smith as it turns out is a patriotic scout leader (an adult barely over the Senator age requirement) who runs boy scout programs and doesn't know about how a bill is passed.  He knows how to vote, knows the Declaration of Independence, can recite Lincoln's Gettysburg Address; basically is just proud to be American.  The mayor doesn't want to consider him.  But when he flips a coin to decide between the two people he wants to choose from, the coin lands on its circumference.  He chooses Jefferson Smith.
Jefferson Smith becomes a Senator, is sent to the capitol.  The first thing he does is see the Lincoln Memorial and the Declaration of Independence. 
He goes back there again and again.  It reminds me of myself... how I like to find meaning in something else and visit it a lot.  Its why I walk to the train tracks, or why I go to PrettyThin and PrettyAlone or DeviantArt.  I belong in these places...
I know a few other places I belong... but I don't have the money or education to go there.  I don't belong in a house.
No.
Hell no.

Never...





the point is...  I haven't written this essay.
But I will.
At least I'm writing...



I'll get it done, but I don't like it.
My life
Right now


stay beautiful

Words from the Fissure

My general mood is throw up.

And I finally realized why I feel so sick.  I'm heart grieved.  Still a little hurt from a dose I took years ago.  It hurt a lot a long time ago, but I knew it would never be enough to kill me.  Its come back.  I cry from one eye, bleed from one nostril, fall asleep with one half of my brain at a time.

Well I'm awake now.  I can do anything.  I can face my fear even though it is nowhere to be seen.

Did you notice that I ate more than you did?  I did.  Did you see how when we walked together it was always you that got ahead.  I saw.  Did you feel how much you smiled when I could barely lift the corners of my mouth?  I watched jealously.
Every day I see your soul shine like the sun and I'm afraid that you will burn out.  You burn too bright; I have seen you flicker on a day when you were low on fuel.  My modest flame will outlast yours, but I'll never give off the light you do.  What is my life worth when it is smaller than yours in significance and fatter than yours in stature...
I can't hope to continue the legacy you left me.


stay beautiful

You suck when you try

Sorry about yesterday's post.  I tried to edit it and left mistakes.

Its moments like this where I wish I was the type to post pictures: you see I bought a labcoat in a women's size small and it pretty much fits me.  I was so happy it turned out so well.
I am in no classes that require labs, but I will make use of the coat as soon as I can.  I love science enough to do it on my own.

I have nothing else for myself this morning.  best wishes to you.

stay beautiful

I've grown to 6'2"

Without looking at the clock he knew the time had come.  Darkness still cloaked the room and the cold pervaded his skin.  The clock was telling him it was time to go.  Fluidly to a silent alarm.  Dress first, then think.  It was too cold.  In the dark room he looked back at the bed- left as a mess- and sighed.  It felt like he had been awake all along.  His mind asked him why he never slept, but to preserve the silence he did no reply.  There would be time later.  The bed waited and he thought to it "I'll get back to you"

stay beautiful

People have to eat

How long he was gone he did not know.  When light struck the retina of his eyes it was like fire.  Shutting the lids closed turned the light mild.  Behind his eyelids he saw red.  He turned his head and opened his eyes again, this time not looking directly at the sun.  How did he get outside?  Everything was calm but it was too calm.  There was no breeze, but it was bitter cold.  White sunlight still burned his sensitive eyes.  He decided to start walking.  There was no point in living if he wasn't going anywhere.


stay beautiful

Boys with ED's

Life hurts.
A lot.

I'm glad riffraff is alive.  That boy was someone I looked up to.  I'm happy he survived.



Sometimes after pain he went cold.  It was some time in the moment after the adrenaline washed away that the temperature was sapped out of him.  Desperate little hairs on his arms would stiffen to catch his receding lifeforce, but the effort only seemed to take more energy away from him.  For a moment it got so cold he thought he was dead.  He blacked out.  Asleep.


stay beautiful