Once upon a Sybil Vain

Don't you think being genius is an evil thing?

If one is genius, they reserve their intelligence to themselves.  Knowledge can't be shared like wealth.  Being rich is also evil.

No.
Its objective.
Perfectly objective.


On my desk is a collection of Shakespeare sonnets, on top of that is Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, and on top of that a Nintendo DS  I'm listening to an audiobook of Dorian Gray.
If I wrote the book Dorian Gray it would have taken a decade.
It is genius.
I watched The Tempest, by William Shakespeare.


I've done a lot today.
I've eaten a lot.
My body feels balanced.
I am happy the cut in my mouth has almost healed.


Tomorrow I get a day off.
Its already tomorrow.
Time to sleep.
Dorian Gray must wait.

Blame God

Life feels like a mistake.
And I feel cornered.  The walls at my back block out the light, and my closed eyelids darken the rest of the world.  I feel like sleeping.  The body lays down in a chair, lays down while standing, lays down driving.  Ready to sleep in the notice of a moment.
I saw a beautiful girl today.
I said goodbye to my cousin today.  I get an odd feeling of what I'm missing with her.  She is so beautiful.  I know... I enjoy her so much because I crave beauty enough that anything would do.  I wish I could stroke her cheek.  But she is a younger cousin by 6 years.  No one would understand me.

So instead I dream that someone will come along.
I could have talked to the pretty face i saw today.  But I felt she was so far away...
I don't want to try to get close to something far away.  I'm not the type to hunt for something that runs away when it hears you approaching.  I'd like someone curious.

I'd like to see Violet.
She was beautiful enough.  Pleasant.  Interested in me... or so I thought.
I'd love to see her again.


I'm hungry.
But I don't want to eat.  It feels like I'm trying to force a smile every bite I chew.  So I will sleep.
I will wake up hungry.
Sunrise Sunset.
Always is the same.



Stay beautiful

All in the desire

I've heard it before that just wanting to do sin is just as bad as doing it.  People must have gotten that idea from the Bible because it makes no sense.  I'd be a terrible person if that were true.

I've been drifting off into fantasies of incest with my younger cousin.


I am a capable person, I can control what I do.  But I don't think it is possible for me to block out the thoughts.  I don't even want to.


Physically I ignored every plea from my consciousness to avoid calories.  I ate.  Victory right?
I feel bigger... and I feel like a rubber ball.  Like I'd bounce if I hit the ground.


The cut in my mouth hasn't healed.
And I've spilled blood numerous times from the hole in my finger.


I talked to Maslow today.  I'm so envious of his mind.
Wish I was smart.


I've wanted to take picture of myself.
I know I'm ugly.
But I've actually wanted to see a mirror.
I've always wondered how come mirrors can reflect everything perfectly when nothing else can.
Originality
Makes the mirror powerful.



stay beautiful

Crash

Two days ago I burned my mouth.

Today it hurt so much I couldn't take it anymore.  So I started rubbing it with my finger.  My nail tore open the flesh in my mouth.
I immediately was rewarded with a blood covered finger.  I licked off the blood and sucked in my fill from the sore.


I want to cry
my existence is so low



stay beautiful

I'm a waste of your time

Thanks for reading.

I'm gone this weekend.
Just wanted to say.

There are things I don't want to say; those encompass the usual.  Too little work.
Too little pain.
I think in order to do things for other people I have to do those things for myself.

I chanced a bumper sticker today; it said "Think Pickles"


I love you butterfly
And I hate myself
I'm getting fatter


stay beautiful

"You're a character"

Actually I'm hungry.
 
Light-headed and hungry.  I usually am this way.  But this instant is different, because I actually want to eat.
I'm at work.
 
I don't understand why all the sudden hunger needs to be filled.  I've liked being empty in the past.
 
 
I think it is ironic that people have been calling my phone expecting to get a hold of me.
Its ridiculously broken.  Right now it functions like a clock with a picture that can recieve texts.  I can reply only when I get the text and I am limited in my choice of letters.  I know I can't use the letters d, t, k, p, y, and a few others.  But sadly... those are the best letters for saying "sorrY, buT mY Phone Doesn'T worK and i can'T reallY TexT you righT now"
Imagine if you left out every capital letter...  Well, I've tried to tell them.
The I try calling, and ironically they ignore it and send a text "I can't answer the phone right now"
Well, thats great because I can't text.
 
stay beautiful

Quantify

I wish I could quantify my effort.  But yesterday I worked an hour off the clock.  I have done nothing for my body.  I've binged (the strangest binge of 2 cookies, 2 credit card sized portions of meat, and some blackberries).  I've felt hungry.
I don't know how to say it,
but I feel like I've been trying.  I don't know what at.

Because I'm not doing anything.
I just want to have fun.

Its my winter break.  Until January 24th, and I'm so torn by double work schedules that I have no idea how I can enjoy myself.
I didn't fail any classes this semester.
My phone is broken (new one should come in today).
I spent a lot of money on a piece of my computer I'm making.
I'm buying it one part at a time.

There is no clue to where I am or where I want to be.  I need a number.


stay beautiful