Its actually difficult to gain weight.
I mean its also difficult to lose weight.
What is truly difficult is to change a person. This is why gaining weight is so hard. Its uncomfortable for me to eat outside of my spectrum of acceptable foods. And a larger quantity of food can cause discomfort as well. The change in mood that comes with different nutrients takes adjusting to... and sometimes I just want to crawl back into bed and pretend the day never started.
I was especially aghast (is this even the proper use for the word aghast?) when a friend told me "well you look happy today. Are you always this happy?"
It was so easy to be honest to that question and just say no. Because no other explanation was needed.
But when someone asks "how are you?"... it can be so frustrating to want to say "well I don't know what is wrong, but everything feels wrong and its felt wrong for years and you probably know a little of what I am talking about, yet you still would rather hear me say 'good' in response even though that makes me uncomfortable"
Me personally... Its hard for me to believe everyone asking the question is 'good' themselves. They just ran out of creative ways to say hello so they stick to conversational conventions.
I don't know if I'll ever change to accept what is normal.
I just don't think I'd gain anything I want from that acceptance.
So I've been eating a lot. But I doubt its changed much. In fact even though I'll probably gain to 130lbs by valentines day I feel confident I can be this comfortable 125lbs again before April starts. I think the number only matters because of its symbolic importance. You don't feel sick unless the number says so. Even with the number it doesn't feel like enough.
I've had mandarins, sugar free gum, and a coffee that I added cool fad supplements to this morning. I'm going to work where I'll order a sandwich for lunch I think... And then tonight I'll do something with vegetables. Today will be a balanced day when it comes to my diet. But I'm craving the clean feeling you get from a fast. I know I'll struggle, but I just want to feel pure again.
Wednesday, January 31, 2018
Sunday, January 28, 2018
I'm just trying to explain things
I've sabotaged myself over and over again. I'll never make progress fighting against myself.
I feel like the only thing I can keep thin is my blood from taking all the supplements I take. And even then its just exchanging money that I should be spending on basic survival on vanity.
I'm literally such a health freak that if I don't drink 4-8 liters of water a day I feel terrible. I have to sleep 7 hours. I drink tea all the time. I'll eat any plate of greens put in front of me regardless of my caloric plans. I crave cashew butter and almond butter all the time. I'll be offered a donut and not bat an eye refusing it. I've been given an honest-Tea and a gatorate and candy bars from small contests and I haven't eaten any of it. But give me peanut butter. It feels like eating happiness.
All the mental barriers I've constructed around food are just there to satisfy my need for control. I'm such a good person when its been 7 years since my last hamburger or whatever.
I see the world though a warped as fuck lens. I don't know what some of the food other people eat looks like to them because for me its just mentally saying no over and over again. There are foods that when I eat them I feel like I've broken a promise. Chewing and feeling untrustworthy aren't a savorable combination.
I saw a friend. She literally grabbed my hipbone when we hugged.
If she knew everything I still think of. If she knew about the chat groups, the blog, the forum posts, the inner thoughts, the few and far between fasting or dieting days... She would tell me to stop or try to encourage me to find help. But I just want help losing weight.
Like I wish... I could ask for meds to lose weight and not be given meds to fix my brain.
It just feels to me like anyone trying to stop me is trying to cure the wrong part of me.
I feel like the only thing I can keep thin is my blood from taking all the supplements I take. And even then its just exchanging money that I should be spending on basic survival on vanity.
I'm literally such a health freak that if I don't drink 4-8 liters of water a day I feel terrible. I have to sleep 7 hours. I drink tea all the time. I'll eat any plate of greens put in front of me regardless of my caloric plans. I crave cashew butter and almond butter all the time. I'll be offered a donut and not bat an eye refusing it. I've been given an honest-Tea and a gatorate and candy bars from small contests and I haven't eaten any of it. But give me peanut butter. It feels like eating happiness.
All the mental barriers I've constructed around food are just there to satisfy my need for control. I'm such a good person when its been 7 years since my last hamburger or whatever.
I see the world though a warped as fuck lens. I don't know what some of the food other people eat looks like to them because for me its just mentally saying no over and over again. There are foods that when I eat them I feel like I've broken a promise. Chewing and feeling untrustworthy aren't a savorable combination.
I saw a friend. She literally grabbed my hipbone when we hugged.
If she knew everything I still think of. If she knew about the chat groups, the blog, the forum posts, the inner thoughts, the few and far between fasting or dieting days... She would tell me to stop or try to encourage me to find help. But I just want help losing weight.
Like I wish... I could ask for meds to lose weight and not be given meds to fix my brain.
It just feels to me like anyone trying to stop me is trying to cure the wrong part of me.
Wednesday, January 3, 2018
Include all
I don't know what is going to kill me.
But sometimes
It feels like all the important things i forget are going to end my life.
I'm terrible about doing things in the right order. When I was younger I would accidentally read the second book of a series before the first. I don't even know why I feel like that detail is important.
I'm pathetic. I don't know if I've ever been more incapable at any point in my life than how I have been lately.
I've been weak willed. I couldn't hold to my food plan yesterday, and then when I tried to eat what I planned to eat I couldn't because I ate earlier. I weighed at 123.4 lbs yesterday morning. Haven't weighed today, but if I do I'll be heavy because I've eaten. Eating makes me heavy and therefore even more of a failure.
I'm at the point of my life where just being successful at being anorexic would be a success in my eyes.
I can't even use my eyes to cry. I feel like I'm a zombie because I can't even get emotional. I just generate trash and complain and am passive aggressive at all times.
My room smells like a used diaper from the doorway, but I can't figure out what it is because I'm so terrible at getting my life together.
I don't even think I'm suicidal right now. I just want to be isolated in some sort of mental health care facility and given a break from everything. But its against my nature. Maybe even against my nurture... it was pretty hard for my sister to accept that sort of care when she was my age.
I didn't say my new years resolution in my previous posts because I wasn't sure if this is a safe place to post these sorts of things, but I'm trying to let go of those feelings. They will only make things worse if I keep them within me.
When I was thinking about new years resolutions only one thing stuck in my mind. I feel like I won't have accomplished my goals unless I get hospitalized for my weight.
But sometimes
It feels like all the important things i forget are going to end my life.
I'm terrible about doing things in the right order. When I was younger I would accidentally read the second book of a series before the first. I don't even know why I feel like that detail is important.
I'm pathetic. I don't know if I've ever been more incapable at any point in my life than how I have been lately.
I've been weak willed. I couldn't hold to my food plan yesterday, and then when I tried to eat what I planned to eat I couldn't because I ate earlier. I weighed at 123.4 lbs yesterday morning. Haven't weighed today, but if I do I'll be heavy because I've eaten. Eating makes me heavy and therefore even more of a failure.
I'm at the point of my life where just being successful at being anorexic would be a success in my eyes.
I can't even use my eyes to cry. I feel like I'm a zombie because I can't even get emotional. I just generate trash and complain and am passive aggressive at all times.
My room smells like a used diaper from the doorway, but I can't figure out what it is because I'm so terrible at getting my life together.
I don't even think I'm suicidal right now. I just want to be isolated in some sort of mental health care facility and given a break from everything. But its against my nature. Maybe even against my nurture... it was pretty hard for my sister to accept that sort of care when she was my age.
I didn't say my new years resolution in my previous posts because I wasn't sure if this is a safe place to post these sorts of things, but I'm trying to let go of those feelings. They will only make things worse if I keep them within me.
When I was thinking about new years resolutions only one thing stuck in my mind. I feel like I won't have accomplished my goals unless I get hospitalized for my weight.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Impressions
2 am.
I can't sleep.
I need to know how much I weigh.
131.4 lbs with clothes on.
Remove 3 sweaters, pants...
126.0 lbs
Its expected. Late at night weight fluctuates higher. Tomorrow morning will be a better number.
I'm already thinking about when I'm going to eat next.
It feels like I'm cheating
Just thinking
of eating.
I still don't understand entirely what down to earth means. I don't feel down to earth. I feel like I'm grounded in my idealism of what a good life is and those chains bind me to my mind instead of reality. If it doesn't fit in my perfect world I can't have it.
Earth is definitely not a perfect world.
I've been thinking a lot about lavender. Its a beautiful color. Its a beautiful scent. But to me... its a beautiful name.
I can't sleep.
I need to know how much I weigh.
131.4 lbs with clothes on.
Remove 3 sweaters, pants...
126.0 lbs
Its expected. Late at night weight fluctuates higher. Tomorrow morning will be a better number.
I'm already thinking about when I'm going to eat next.
It feels like I'm cheating
Just thinking
of eating.
I still don't understand entirely what down to earth means. I don't feel down to earth. I feel like I'm grounded in my idealism of what a good life is and those chains bind me to my mind instead of reality. If it doesn't fit in my perfect world I can't have it.
Earth is definitely not a perfect world.
I've been thinking a lot about lavender. Its a beautiful color. Its a beautiful scent. But to me... its a beautiful name.
Diagnose me Captain
124.0lbs 12:00pm
Intake is 2 cups of broccoli, 2 tablespoons olive oil, a cookie, a kombucha, a 100 calorie packet of seaweed, and 3 artichokes. I'd estimate water intake to be 4 liters. An activity tracker says 7,000 steps.
Supplements include mushroom coffee, 2.5 grams EPA+DHA fish oil, 250mg chewable vitamin C, HearthSmart (A,D,K2) and 50 billion probiotics.
Welcome to paradise
Intake is 2 cups of broccoli, 2 tablespoons olive oil, a cookie, a kombucha, a 100 calorie packet of seaweed, and 3 artichokes. I'd estimate water intake to be 4 liters. An activity tracker says 7,000 steps.
Supplements include mushroom coffee, 2.5 grams EPA+DHA fish oil, 250mg chewable vitamin C, HearthSmart (A,D,K2) and 50 billion probiotics.
Welcome to paradise
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