I looked at my written diary- written a few years ago. 2007-2008.
Its not the best way to get to know me.
At all
stay beautiful
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I just noticed you
No one is here to take your call
I'm so sorry people...
I missed a call during my chemistry class today. It probably has something to do with the lab that I couldn't do yesterday. It might have something to do with the new appointment I have that is now 3 hours from where I live. I hope that is a joke.
Supposedly a 12 year old boy needs my bone marrow soon.
But this isn't my top priority is it?
NO.
There is no such thing as a priority.
We invent priorities.
School is not more important than fun. That paper is not more important than a night of sleep. We determine it is because we are afraid of what happens when we fail assignments and fail classes. Dropping school can be a wonderful thing. I'm not doing it because school is a state of comfort for me. Its an environment filled with learning; something I thrive with and suffer without. I like school. I don't need it. I mostly like school because I can socialize; or hope to socialize with people. People ask me scholarly questions. Things they won't say in layman life. People will understand the context of whatever I'm saying; be it proteins, lipids, carbohydrates in organic chemistry and nutrition and biology. I go to school to seek acceptance from people.
Without school I feel people don't want to know me.
They think I'm too smart.
Too thin.
You know what I am?
Too alone
and that is why I seek out you
I can't really get along with anyone. I can talk to anyone. I can say hi, but its meaningless words. I tend to point that out because I want to get to the point where we talk about something real. I tend to forget people care about small talk. Or I tend to not care about it myself and I'm confounded as to why others care about it at all.
I need someone I can rant to. Someone that can reply.
NO.
I don't need anyone.
I can suffer alone.
If I want the suffering to go away
I need someone that can help me
I want to do something to this world.
Regardless of whether or not I get help I want to help other people.
I don't hate you.
I just wish you cared about me like I care about you
stay beautiful
stay beautiful
I'm so sorry people...
I missed a call during my chemistry class today. It probably has something to do with the lab that I couldn't do yesterday. It might have something to do with the new appointment I have that is now 3 hours from where I live. I hope that is a joke.
Supposedly a 12 year old boy needs my bone marrow soon.
But this isn't my top priority is it?
NO.
There is no such thing as a priority.
We invent priorities.
School is not more important than fun. That paper is not more important than a night of sleep. We determine it is because we are afraid of what happens when we fail assignments and fail classes. Dropping school can be a wonderful thing. I'm not doing it because school is a state of comfort for me. Its an environment filled with learning; something I thrive with and suffer without. I like school. I don't need it. I mostly like school because I can socialize; or hope to socialize with people. People ask me scholarly questions. Things they won't say in layman life. People will understand the context of whatever I'm saying; be it proteins, lipids, carbohydrates in organic chemistry and nutrition and biology. I go to school to seek acceptance from people.
Without school I feel people don't want to know me.
They think I'm too smart.
Too thin.
You know what I am?
Too alone
and that is why I seek out you
I can't really get along with anyone. I can talk to anyone. I can say hi, but its meaningless words. I tend to point that out because I want to get to the point where we talk about something real. I tend to forget people care about small talk. Or I tend to not care about it myself and I'm confounded as to why others care about it at all.
I need someone I can rant to. Someone that can reply.
NO.
I don't need anyone.
I can suffer alone.
If I want the suffering to go away
I need someone that can help me
I want to do something to this world.
Regardless of whether or not I get help I want to help other people.
I don't hate you.
I just wish you cared about me like I care about you
stay beautiful
stay beautiful
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Yesterday to today
Yesterday I noticed all my pants are bigger on me than they have ever been in the past.
Today I managed to eat more in just 1 meal than I have in entire days for a few weeks.
It really wasn't that much... and all of it was healthy.
The main point is... I've been having a successful diet and today something happened to change that. Actually it wasn't even today that did it. Saturday I ate 2 cookies; the most sugar I had consumed in months. I'm going to preach this forever... sugar makes you eat.
When I eat things high in fat combined with things balanced in protein and carbohydrates I feel fine. I'm not hungry unless I've gone an inexcusable amount of time without food. Exercise of course helps.
Sugar screws up everything. Its an addiction. Eat something with high sugar and wait for an hour, you'll want more sugar. Its because the sugar spike went away and your body is telling you "hey, that was great! Lets do it again!"
Deprive your body of that high and it won't tell you to eat 24 times a day.
Only the 4-8 times you should eat.
Sounds like a lot... but its really not.
This doesn't explain why the cats are always hungry... its not like we give them brownies.
Oh well.
Its not like I have actual scientific data to back up my claims.
One of these days I might.
I've been busy
school
up the butt
school up the butt
and that is all that has been going up my butt.
I don't hate school, but I could use a break.
maybe a day off work will help.
stay beautiful
Today I managed to eat more in just 1 meal than I have in entire days for a few weeks.
It really wasn't that much... and all of it was healthy.
The main point is... I've been having a successful diet and today something happened to change that. Actually it wasn't even today that did it. Saturday I ate 2 cookies; the most sugar I had consumed in months. I'm going to preach this forever... sugar makes you eat.
When I eat things high in fat combined with things balanced in protein and carbohydrates I feel fine. I'm not hungry unless I've gone an inexcusable amount of time without food. Exercise of course helps.
Sugar screws up everything. Its an addiction. Eat something with high sugar and wait for an hour, you'll want more sugar. Its because the sugar spike went away and your body is telling you "hey, that was great! Lets do it again!"
Deprive your body of that high and it won't tell you to eat 24 times a day.
Only the 4-8 times you should eat.
Sounds like a lot... but its really not.
This doesn't explain why the cats are always hungry... its not like we give them brownies.
Oh well.
Its not like I have actual scientific data to back up my claims.
One of these days I might.
I've been busy
school
up the butt
school up the butt
and that is all that has been going up my butt.
I don't hate school, but I could use a break.
maybe a day off work will help.
stay beautiful
Monday, October 17, 2011
Machine without a dream
Looking in the mirror he thought to himself: boy do you look chubby.
It was so difficult to run today. I didn't run far or fast. Just on a full stomach and after a period of laziness where I seem to only run once a week. That should change. If I can run tomorrow. I'm not sore. So I should be able to.
What else matters besides beauty?
Only beautiful things make me happy.
I had a bit of anxiety at work. No one but me would know.
Reading a few pages at a time.
Playing pokemon.
Showing up to class. Not doing all the work. I don't want to do all the work.
Existentialism is a humanism (by Sartre) is interesting to me. I hope I finish it. Halfway. Still.
Repeating.
I am nothing more than what I realize. With my actions.
Act.
or else you are not.
I can say I have an eating disorder. I might in my mind. But in reality... I do not have the severe gauntness associated with eating disorders or the self image anxiety that ED patients display. Nope. I'm obsessed with food and beauty and exercise.
Nothing unusual.
I'm missing a purpose
Stay beautiful
It was so difficult to run today. I didn't run far or fast. Just on a full stomach and after a period of laziness where I seem to only run once a week. That should change. If I can run tomorrow. I'm not sore. So I should be able to.
What else matters besides beauty?
Only beautiful things make me happy.
I had a bit of anxiety at work. No one but me would know.
Reading a few pages at a time.
Playing pokemon.
Showing up to class. Not doing all the work. I don't want to do all the work.
Existentialism is a humanism (by Sartre) is interesting to me. I hope I finish it. Halfway. Still.
Repeating.
I am nothing more than what I realize. With my actions.
Act.
or else you are not.
I can say I have an eating disorder. I might in my mind. But in reality... I do not have the severe gauntness associated with eating disorders or the self image anxiety that ED patients display. Nope. I'm obsessed with food and beauty and exercise.
Nothing unusual.
I'm missing a purpose
Stay beautiful
Respite
It was like I woke up. After 2 hours of doing dishes the fog lifted and I was okay with it. I wasn't scared of being free for once.
It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before. It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason. It could have been the dishes.
I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend. Female. Fun. Thin. Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision. I facilitate... sometimes. I really don't know what I am until I do something.
I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy. I like it. Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end. Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing. If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one. I need to know more.
I've never made coffee before. I tried this morning. Failed.
Tea be easy.
I might have a compromised immune system. I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am. I did hours of chores and spent time with people. I should be tired, but I'm not.
We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore. I've tried so hard leading up to this day.
And its not important anyways
stay beautiful
It might have been all the food I consumed at the party the night before. It could have been that I didn't feel lonely for some reason. It could have been the dishes.
I might have tangible hope because I've made a friend. Female. Fun. Thin. Innocent.
I don't know what I'm going to do. But I can tell you that if her innocence is lost at all... It will be her decision. I facilitate... sometimes. I really don't know what I am until I do something.
I've been reading The Picture of Dorian Gray again.
Existentialism is a Humanism by Sartre for Philosophy. I like it. Got halfway through. I'm hoping to get to the end. Sartre is supposed to explain why we feel loneliness and sexual desire in terms of Existentialism in either this or his book about Nothing. If I don't see it in this book I'll have to read the other one. I need to know more.
I've never made coffee before. I tried this morning. Failed.
Tea be easy.
I might have a compromised immune system. I went to sleep at 3am today and woke up at 8am. I did hours of chores and spent time with people. I should be tired, but I'm not.
We'll see if this is my respite.
Or if its just the top of the mountain before I tumble down.
Maybe I'm going uphill but don't notice anymore. I've tried so hard leading up to this day.
And its not important anyways
stay beautiful
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Tree in my head
I desperately posted something on PT about my mind hurting. I've had a lot of that lately.
Today I had breakfast, three apples, dinner, and 2 glasses of milk.
So weak.
SUCH A ROTTEN PIG.
I looked so lustfully at that zucchini chocolate snack cake. I've had 1 piece in the whole week since my mother made it. It was so good. But I can't... its giving in. I can do anything but give in.
never eat what you are craving.
\
I'm part of a nutrition club on campus. Officially I'm the treasurer. Thursday I have to cook lentils for a healthy food fundraiser we are doing. I'd like to claim credit for inventing it... it was my idea. But everyone else did the organizing for it.
I'm a useless bag of...
of lentils.
Smelly lentils.
My life got unorganized.
Yesterday night I tried to go for a run. I must have eaten something expired... I had such terrible diarrhea its a good thing I turned back after a mile because I forgot to bring my DS. TMI
so what.
I need to do homework, but the fact of the matter is I'm finding it hard to think. Something about being light headed. Not enough glucose for my brain? I'm learning about this in nutrition. I should have enough glucose... 3 apples.
The space behind my eyes feels occupied. By an unthinking tree. It isn't quite me. And so its hard to think. I'm bumping and twisting trying to maneuver the roots.
stay beautiful
Today I had breakfast, three apples, dinner, and 2 glasses of milk.
So weak.
SUCH A ROTTEN PIG.
I looked so lustfully at that zucchini chocolate snack cake. I've had 1 piece in the whole week since my mother made it. It was so good. But I can't... its giving in. I can do anything but give in.
never eat what you are craving.
\
I'm part of a nutrition club on campus. Officially I'm the treasurer. Thursday I have to cook lentils for a healthy food fundraiser we are doing. I'd like to claim credit for inventing it... it was my idea. But everyone else did the organizing for it.
I'm a useless bag of...
of lentils.
Smelly lentils.
My life got unorganized.
Yesterday night I tried to go for a run. I must have eaten something expired... I had such terrible diarrhea its a good thing I turned back after a mile because I forgot to bring my DS. TMI
so what.
I need to do homework, but the fact of the matter is I'm finding it hard to think. Something about being light headed. Not enough glucose for my brain? I'm learning about this in nutrition. I should have enough glucose... 3 apples.
The space behind my eyes feels occupied. By an unthinking tree. It isn't quite me. And so its hard to think. I'm bumping and twisting trying to maneuver the roots.
stay beautiful
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
