Mumble

I know nothing
says the intelligent ones
says everyone

it doesn't matter
doesn't everyone say that?

bye...
why?

What if I was never here?
Never heard a word you said?

Its hard for me to be convinced that... the person that writes here exists.
I'm just so... different in the world.
I don't remember the last time I've done something to be beautiful.
I've given up.

I guess its a good time to leave me
lots of people have been leaving my life


I'm having trouble facing it all.
So I do these things that don't let me think.
But then I lose myself.
or the me that I think I am.
Maybe I really am this concise
hollow
thoughtless
hopeless
coward

and not the book that I want to be.


I wonder what other people are doing with their lives.
Has anything changed?
I'm in the same place doing the same things feeling even less than I've felt before.
Things are breaking but I don't even stop long enough to think how to fix them.

The things I want to do...
I'm not even sure of those anymore.

I don't have any direction.
Nor power. I used to be powerful... and am I just going to complain that I'm not what I used to be? That I can't sleep right? That my dreams are crushed and so is my courage? I can't go out and try to do the things I want because I've been broken.
Its sad.
I'm just repeating myself.
Probably for a month or two or four.
Dammit.
I need to break something else.


Do you know why I named this post mumble?
Its because I'm constantly hearing people ask me what I said to them. Always. My whole life in fact. And they always accuse me of mumbling, but I don't believe I mumble that much. I believe I say things so glaringly obvious that people don't believe it came from my mouth. I'm expected to say astute things. I'm expected to make a peculiar observation every time. I've even been fooled into trying to live up to this expectation. I actually get angry when I'm wasting words. I'm always harping on how others say things they don't mean. When I do it people say I mumble.

Well how true is it?


stay beautiful

Roses to remember

Suicide
I think of her all the time.

Ice griped my brain as I watched the blades spin. I wanted to reach in to feel what pain felt like again.
you know what pain feels like
Oh... but I wanted to remember.

My tongue slipped
So I brushed myself off and tried to continue talking
but there wasn't anything to say.
Just answer the question.


What do you dream about?
Only beautiful things
like death and happiness.
But real life isn't like dreams. You don't get to die so painlessly


stay beautiful

Original nomenclature

Amazing right? I can be cold.

And far behind

I've spent so much time with my weakness.

I'm not sure I'm ready for much. I don't have much.

Why now?

Why do I have to keep secrets now?

I can't let people be understanding anymore...

What it was like to be inhuman.. I'll never know. I can't remember it, but I also can't forget it. I don't remember who I was, but I knew what it felt like. I felt solid back then, broken, but solid.

I guess all these wishes have gotten part of the dreams to come true.

Yet I'm not going to die.

That dream would be so easy

if only

I didn't care about you

Stay beautiful

Mixed Messages

Be angry, but don't let it out.

What sage advice right? Because if you ever let anger out of its cage... well you've taught an animal it can roam free. That boundaries can be broken when it suits your interests or a need calls.
But anger is a useful tool.
I used to always be angry and no one knew before.
Now that I've started admitting my feelings things have changed. I have to wait longer to be forgotten and the anger is not nearly as useful publicly as it was privately.

This reminds me of my own words... there are some things you can't tell people because they will try to change you when they know.

What can I do?

I think I should go back to keeping my feelings a secret.

Was here

I didn't have the confidence to go out today looking for a job. What makes me think I can attain that confidence to seek a paid position tomorrow or any day within a few weeks?

I think I did worse on the physics exam I took today than I did on my math 20A final. Or any test from that class. At least I got one problem for that class on every exam. 20/100
Has anyone reading this ever scored so low?

I can't expect greatness in my future.


I'm sad.
So I want to be left alone. Even though... love is the thing I crave. Its also the cure and I don't want to be cured. I'd like to stay sick.
I'd like to actually get sick.

I love fevers and shakes. Love being weak while thinking strong. I can survive... I'm so good at it when its the first priority.
Even though I don't want to survive for much longer.


stay beautiful

Why can't I think

I hope I die soon.


Stay beautiful

Taking time

I am supposed to conform; Follow orders.

But I never let it be that easy. Everything has to be done in my tine at the right place. And with this mind I wonder if the place will ever be alright because I've lost track of what is real because of these dreams. I don't remember what I have done because I've dreamed so many alternative plot-lines  All I remember is the feeling of dissatisfaction of messing up ever time I go back in time to change things.

The only memories that I know are real are the ones that came from smell. For some reason my nose is the only part of me on my side.
I remember the smell of a new friend.
The smell of coffee in a comfortable place where I can accomplish things.
I remember the smell of my feet right now. Its atrocious. At least I know this moment isn't another dream. Although... once I publish this post it is difficult to deny writting the content of the post itself.

But the comments.
I think one of the comments labelled anonymous is me.
But I can't remember.

I do remember seeing a goldfish alone in a bowl from a roommate. But then I can't remember what my hands did as they hovered over the keyboard. I don't remember anything else from that dream or reality.


I don't understand how I lost all this time.
I woke up and it was 8am
I think it took me an hour to get to breakfast. so 9am
it is currently 10:41am
I don't know what happened.


stay beautiful