weighing at 180 pounds... D.S.!
Weighing at... "140" (144 fatso) Me...
I fought, and I won.
The rules are you shove at each other until you get the other person past the barrier.
I pulled through because of you Appendix.
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Quarterfinals
Starting now its on my mind. Starting now the word it has a new meaning. "It" is my own personal perfection, and I'm going to be it at any cost. You can watch me.
I just performed my quarterfinals run. Wow...
Wow, because I'm hungry already. But hunger is nothing but a perception.
I don't need to eat for a while. The word snack means nothing. Its like when a computer is given a command it doesn't understand. Snack: NULL.
Tea. Tea is an elixir of flavor to battle extreme fatigue. Tea is not a staple. Tea is a secret weapon.
Walking. Walking is necessary to drain time. Time disappears when you walk. Calories are burned. And then, you are closer to being it. It takes time, and walking is time. Walking burns time.
For now... I am signing off.
It is on my mind.
It.
Stay Beautiful
I just performed my quarterfinals run. Wow...
Wow, because I'm hungry already. But hunger is nothing but a perception.
I don't need to eat for a while. The word snack means nothing. Its like when a computer is given a command it doesn't understand. Snack: NULL.
Tea. Tea is an elixir of flavor to battle extreme fatigue. Tea is not a staple. Tea is a secret weapon.
Walking. Walking is necessary to drain time. Time disappears when you walk. Calories are burned. And then, you are closer to being it. It takes time, and walking is time. Walking burns time.
For now... I am signing off.
It is on my mind.
It.
Stay Beautiful
Sunday, August 8, 2010
My Complaining Rights
I wonder if I have a right to say how I feel, because for some reason right now I think I can sum up enough shit to build a pretty good sketch of what its like to be me right now.
My feet hurt. Every step there is some part of my foot with a callus, blister, funny pressure thing going on... Yeah, and I've been running miles and miles, getting nowhere.
My mind feels washed out. I'm so tired from all the work that I feel like I've been crying all day, but my feet remind me that I've actually been moving around.
Then my body... feels fine. This is strange. I put my body through a lot, I lug around 30 extra pounds of tuba that my arms have to control, my shoulder has to carry, and my legs have to transport. I also carried someone who weighs more than me from the field to the bus because they were injured and for some reason people twice my size put her down after only a tenth of the distance I pulled her. Yeah it was hard. It felt like I was crying sweat, but if I have trained for anything, its pulling my fat ass and even more extra weight.
So how do I feel?
I hate muscle.
grrr... I don't look anything like I should. And its because I have been striving for success in this activity more than self-image. Its nice to know I can do something well in the world, something difficult that other people can't do as well. But... I'm still tired after every rep. I'm still falling asleep while walking at the end of the night. I can't keep up.
Its almost over.
Then my feet won't hurt anymore, and my life will become something else. I will have to find some way to figure out what I am supposed to do...
I still haven't spoken. I don't remember... I think this is day 8, tomorrow day 9? I don't know... I started on July 31, so every day in August has been the amount of days I have been silent for.
One of my techs told me I wouldn't be allowed to participate in Quarterfinals if I refuse to talk. I hope he holds to that...
But he won't. I'm too darn important.
I don't feel important. All I feel is a dull pain and exhaustion.
I can't be tired.
I am not giving up.
Just catching some bus sleep soon.
We go from New Jersey to Indiana tonight: 700 miles (14 hours).
goodnight?
Stay Beautiful
My feet hurt. Every step there is some part of my foot with a callus, blister, funny pressure thing going on... Yeah, and I've been running miles and miles, getting nowhere.
My mind feels washed out. I'm so tired from all the work that I feel like I've been crying all day, but my feet remind me that I've actually been moving around.
Then my body... feels fine. This is strange. I put my body through a lot, I lug around 30 extra pounds of tuba that my arms have to control, my shoulder has to carry, and my legs have to transport. I also carried someone who weighs more than me from the field to the bus because they were injured and for some reason people twice my size put her down after only a tenth of the distance I pulled her. Yeah it was hard. It felt like I was crying sweat, but if I have trained for anything, its pulling my fat ass and even more extra weight.
So how do I feel?
I hate muscle.
grrr... I don't look anything like I should. And its because I have been striving for success in this activity more than self-image. Its nice to know I can do something well in the world, something difficult that other people can't do as well. But... I'm still tired after every rep. I'm still falling asleep while walking at the end of the night. I can't keep up.
Its almost over.
Then my feet won't hurt anymore, and my life will become something else. I will have to find some way to figure out what I am supposed to do...
I still haven't spoken. I don't remember... I think this is day 8, tomorrow day 9? I don't know... I started on July 31, so every day in August has been the amount of days I have been silent for.
One of my techs told me I wouldn't be allowed to participate in Quarterfinals if I refuse to talk. I hope he holds to that...
But he won't. I'm too darn important.
I don't feel important. All I feel is a dull pain and exhaustion.
I can't be tired.
I am not giving up.
Just catching some bus sleep soon.
We go from New Jersey to Indiana tonight: 700 miles (14 hours).
goodnight?
Stay Beautiful
Friday, August 6, 2010
35 Miles to Massachusets
I got frustrated today, to the point I pretty much squeaked a word.
If you don't count that, it will have been 7 days since I last spoke after today is over. I am on day 7, and I had planned on only going a week.
But it wouldn't be fair for me to speak my mind.
I have stacked my frustrations so high that only this unlimited sky of silence is large enough to hold them all. If I throw out my frustrations on my fellow corps members it would hurt them. Instructors tell me that my silence is too much...
I am too much. There are so many things that really don't matter that I want to fix.
The hornline has awful posture. A certain tuba player needs a brain. Our Alternate needs to get a dot, there are two open and he isn't doing anything for them. People need to shut up. People need to run more. People need to do yard lining more effectively- I have to say I think my way is the best, but mostly because I stole most of Mr. Indiana's ways. My section is fragile. My section settles for less. My section doesn't know their music. My section isn't strong enough to hold up their horns. My section isn't strong enough to march and play a show. My section can't march with correct technique.
DO YOU SEE?
None of this matters.
But we are taught here that drum corps is our lives while we are here.
All these people, they already know these things. If I yelled at them it would only add to the pressure they have given themselves and the instructors give to them. The most I could do is teach one of the willing what he needs to know, and I will do that, without words even. Of all the individuals here, he is one of the people I enjoy having as a comrade. Him, Jesse, Rhino, Mr Indiana, Tim... there are other people that I can work well with. I just don't get the time. They will be unmentioned.
None of it really matters.
We will not make Semi-Finals. I know this already. It hasn't happened yet, but I already know we won't quite get there this year.
And next year... I plan to move on.
I am ready to move on now.
Unrelated, I plan on writing arrangements in scale degrees so I can practice fun songs in random keys. I have already done Jupiter from Gustav Holst and Amazing Grace. I plan to do more.
Errrr... I hate being light headed because I am out of energy even though I ate. This activity takes a lot of energy...
Stay Beautiful
If you don't count that, it will have been 7 days since I last spoke after today is over. I am on day 7, and I had planned on only going a week.
But it wouldn't be fair for me to speak my mind.
I have stacked my frustrations so high that only this unlimited sky of silence is large enough to hold them all. If I throw out my frustrations on my fellow corps members it would hurt them. Instructors tell me that my silence is too much...
I am too much. There are so many things that really don't matter that I want to fix.
The hornline has awful posture. A certain tuba player needs a brain. Our Alternate needs to get a dot, there are two open and he isn't doing anything for them. People need to shut up. People need to run more. People need to do yard lining more effectively- I have to say I think my way is the best, but mostly because I stole most of Mr. Indiana's ways. My section is fragile. My section settles for less. My section doesn't know their music. My section isn't strong enough to hold up their horns. My section isn't strong enough to march and play a show. My section can't march with correct technique.
DO YOU SEE?
None of this matters.
But we are taught here that drum corps is our lives while we are here.
All these people, they already know these things. If I yelled at them it would only add to the pressure they have given themselves and the instructors give to them. The most I could do is teach one of the willing what he needs to know, and I will do that, without words even. Of all the individuals here, he is one of the people I enjoy having as a comrade. Him, Jesse, Rhino, Mr Indiana, Tim... there are other people that I can work well with. I just don't get the time. They will be unmentioned.
None of it really matters.
We will not make Semi-Finals. I know this already. It hasn't happened yet, but I already know we won't quite get there this year.
And next year... I plan to move on.
I am ready to move on now.
Unrelated, I plan on writing arrangements in scale degrees so I can practice fun songs in random keys. I have already done Jupiter from Gustav Holst and Amazing Grace. I plan to do more.
Errrr... I hate being light headed because I am out of energy even though I ate. This activity takes a lot of energy...
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, August 5, 2010
There is no Echo where there is no noise
New York wasnt bad... It did rain, but it was east coast summer rain: which is a good thing. West coast rain is far too cold, even in the summer months (unless you are in Arizona, where "too cold" is hard to come by)
So weather isnt a barrier.
But sleep might be.
We travel a lot for the next 3 days, and It is projected we get 4 hours of sleep or less every night.
I have to get off soon because of that.
Other than that, this is my 6th day of silence complete. Tomorrow will be 7 days without speaking.
I guess I don't have much to say.
Stay Beautiful
So weather isnt a barrier.
But sleep might be.
We travel a lot for the next 3 days, and It is projected we get 4 hours of sleep or less every night.
I have to get off soon because of that.
Other than that, this is my 6th day of silence complete. Tomorrow will be 7 days without speaking.
I guess I don't have much to say.
Stay Beautiful
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Can't waste silence
I have had 3 days of silence.
3 days without a word. And only on the 3rd and 4th days have I had to actually communicate.
I like silence. In silence I get to focus; my only regret is focus is self-centered. It is easier to focus on yourself than it is on anyone else: you can only change who you are.
PS: Albert Einstein shared a quote with me, it is "a man can do as he will, but not will as he will"
Also, on another intelligent note, I found the source of why people at health institutions are allowed to force feed people through feeding tubes as Anorexia treatment. But from what I read there didn't seem to be much discussion that went on before deciding tube feeding was appropriate. It was sort of like... It isn't demeaning or dangerous so lets do it.
I wouldn't know...
But I hear it is painful.
This is straight from the Handbook of Eating Disorders 2nd Edition:
"Until relatively recently, there was uncertainty about the legality of compulsory treatment for
anorexia nervosa in the UK but the position has recently been clarified by guidance from
the Mental Health Act Commission:
In certain situations, patients with severe anorexia nervosa whose health is seriously
threatened by food refusal may be subject to detention in hospital and . . . there are
occasions when it is necessary to treat the self-imposed starvation to ensure the proper
care of the patient . . . naso-gastric feeding can be a medical process, forming an integral
part of the treatment for anorexia nervosa. (Mental Health Act Commission, 1997)
The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that compulsory feeding does not constitute
inhuman or degrading treatment; it therefore appears to be consistent with the European
Convention on Human Rights, which has been substantially incorporated into British law
as the Human Rights Act (Radcliffes Mental Health Law Briefing, No. 34, 2000)."
Grrrrrrrr....
Anyways... I don't know how long the silence will go, but it is loads of fun when someone you know says hi and all you do is look them in the eye and wait for them to say something else. People tend to laugh. Isn't it strange how people laugh at something when it is much more serious than funny?
I don't laugh at them. I take them seriously. I'm just in a listening mood, and if they can't see that, then they can listen to me. they shall hear my silence, and maybe they will see it as me being in a listening mood.
Also... I have put weights on my horn. When I am practicing i weigh about 180 pounds. i understand why people that size can't run now... its really hard. And that is with my 6'1" body. My weight has been averaging a little below 145, and when I take off the weights on my horn i am now comfortably able to run, play and march at 170.
I want to comfortably exist at a modest 130; someday when i don't have to depend on food for energy.
Stay Beautiful
3 days without a word. And only on the 3rd and 4th days have I had to actually communicate.
I like silence. In silence I get to focus; my only regret is focus is self-centered. It is easier to focus on yourself than it is on anyone else: you can only change who you are.
PS: Albert Einstein shared a quote with me, it is "a man can do as he will, but not will as he will"
Also, on another intelligent note, I found the source of why people at health institutions are allowed to force feed people through feeding tubes as Anorexia treatment. But from what I read there didn't seem to be much discussion that went on before deciding tube feeding was appropriate. It was sort of like... It isn't demeaning or dangerous so lets do it.
I wouldn't know...
But I hear it is painful.
This is straight from the Handbook of Eating Disorders 2nd Edition:
"Until relatively recently, there was uncertainty about the legality of compulsory treatment for
anorexia nervosa in the UK but the position has recently been clarified by guidance from
the Mental Health Act Commission:
In certain situations, patients with severe anorexia nervosa whose health is seriously
threatened by food refusal may be subject to detention in hospital and . . . there are
occasions when it is necessary to treat the self-imposed starvation to ensure the proper
care of the patient . . . naso-gastric feeding can be a medical process, forming an integral
part of the treatment for anorexia nervosa. (Mental Health Act Commission, 1997)
The European Court of Human Rights has ruled that compulsory feeding does not constitute
inhuman or degrading treatment; it therefore appears to be consistent with the European
Convention on Human Rights, which has been substantially incorporated into British law
as the Human Rights Act (Radcliffes Mental Health Law Briefing, No. 34, 2000)."
Grrrrrrrr....
Anyways... I don't know how long the silence will go, but it is loads of fun when someone you know says hi and all you do is look them in the eye and wait for them to say something else. People tend to laugh. Isn't it strange how people laugh at something when it is much more serious than funny?
I don't laugh at them. I take them seriously. I'm just in a listening mood, and if they can't see that, then they can listen to me. they shall hear my silence, and maybe they will see it as me being in a listening mood.
Also... I have put weights on my horn. When I am practicing i weigh about 180 pounds. i understand why people that size can't run now... its really hard. And that is with my 6'1" body. My weight has been averaging a little below 145, and when I take off the weights on my horn i am now comfortably able to run, play and march at 170.
I want to comfortably exist at a modest 130; someday when i don't have to depend on food for energy.
Stay Beautiful
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
