Ticket Speeding

I got a speeding ticket.

Actually it made me smile. i have been waiting for a ticket for a long time, the officer was really nice about it. He said he would have given me a second chance if I gave him a good excuse, but I just said "yes sir" and "No sir" until it was over.

'Are you in any kind of rush'
'No sir'...

Like that.

It is inevitable a person like me would get a speeding ticket, he marked me down for going 15 miles an hour over the speed limit. Truth was I was going 75mph in a 50mph street. He only got to record 67mph because I DID see him. I was going so fast that I couldn't slow down in time.
The accuracy of his reading is debatable, because I had a visual block on him for the entire time I was slowing down (the person next to me was hardly speeding, probably about 55, and we both slowed together, in a way that I was concealed via them the whole time). I don't mind the ticket though. Because I should pay for it. Speeding is an infringement of the law, and I got caught.

Once out of over 100 times.
I'll do traffic school in my time next week, I haven't even told my parents and I don't even think they should know. If I get this 'point' off my record before the end of the month no one will know the better.

Except me. You can't speed that much. If I was going 67mph I could have slowed down enough, 75mph... not so.

Don't have me talk about my diet, I feel horrid. I've eaten too much. Far too much.
I looked in the mirror today... looked like a skeleton. Sometimes that happens. I know I'm getting fatter. I have to fight if I want to REALLY look like a skeleton.

By the way, that 1 paper I have to finish. Nothing.
And I hate girls right now... Still I hate lust more. I'll starve it away eventually and I'll like you all again. I'm sorry.

Stay Beautiful

DownCount

I really don't want to post tonight. I went almost the whole day on nothing but breakfast. I did over 100 push-ups (weak, its been a while) and it was FREEZING. I must have burned hundreds of calories just shivering...
Anyway... then I ate.

At work I was high out of my mind from the hunger. Thankfully I work alone. No one saw how uncoordinated I was. It took me 15 minutes longer than it usually does to close the store, kept having to count the money over and over again because it was such an ugly number...

I feel like a bomb ticking away. Its going to have to end soon. All this school and everything, and then it all starts up.
I'm going to be so hungry this summer...


Stay Beautiful

Day Mother

I hate how my grandma gives a tip.

Today is mothers day, another setback because I have yet to complete my final paper- 1 more thing to get done...
And I'm free after that. I'll starve when I want.

Setback: I had to go out to dinner. At the Olive Garden. It was my first time ever to be there, and i had to go with my grandma. By a turn of Fate my own Mother had gone on a trip for the weekend, and I had supplied her with every dollar in my wallet. So when I had lunch with my grandma I had nothing to use but my card, and my grandma wasn't going to let me pay anyway. The point is... SHE DOESN'T TIP.
God damn that was embarrassing. It pissed me off so bad.
Have you ever seen a waitress's face when you give them something that was HALF of what they earned? My grandma does things like special requests all over the place. The girl serving us did everything quickly, and even overproduced my grandma's wishes. AND SHE GETS 3 DOLLARS.
I wanted to drive right back there and pay the person once I got my money... but the thing is... I got money at 7pm. We ate at 11am.

This could really bring me down if I let it...



...

Which reminds me...
Don't have me as a boyfriend ever.
I make a horrible boyfriend.
I even make a bad friend. But at least that doesn't hurt me on the inside.

"Bye everyone! Heading to the airport now."
...
Bye...
...



Can I ever forgive myself?
Perhaps I should explain.
Its been hard on me. I haven't talked much about her here, but she is anorexic. She has so much more killing her on top of anorexia though. I fear every day she could die.
Right now she is pregnant with twins.
From rape.

I'm useless to her. She doesn't even feel anything for me anymore. And I'm afraid to get closer.
I don't want to hurt her more.
I don't want to force her to like me again.
I don't want to lose her.

Getting closer...
I think I could lose...
I don't even know what I am trying to say. In my mind there is now excuse. In my mind part of her already died. We already broke up. But no.
We never broke up. And why would I?
Why would I think about anyone else when I am bad enough as it is.
I just want to feel wanted now.


I want to feel wanted.


I wish I had someone that just wanted my body. Because I don't. I'm done with my body.
Let me start again at zero.
I'll get here again.

Right now I have nothing to do
but go farther...
Hurt more...
Starve.

Actually starve.
Be hungry.


I'll kill you
Stay Beautiful

Fat

Most of you call yourselves fat when you aren't...
And i was about to do the same

I FEEL FAT.

I've been eating and eating.
Cookies and whatever the hell else we have.
I hardly ever have cookies.
The best thing I had today was fried pickle, WHICH IS LOW CAL!
Why couldn't I eat the good things...

Anyways... I have to say that School won, I fought school, and school won.
I am going to fail at least 3 classes, possibly 4.
I have 1 more thing I want to do and then I just give up on school. And when I have nothing but work to do... I'm going eat right, and then I'm not going to eat.
On an off that is... I have to do this the healthy way. I'm just trying to lose weight, I'm not trying to pass out.

I feel so fat though...
I feel fat.

I'll just say it: I AM FAT.
Darnit.
I work hard, sometimes.

I'll work hard again.
I think tomorrow i wake up at 5AM to workout.
I hope I barf I work so hard.
This Friday is the day I tell Luu my goals. Luu is my drill sergeant- thats what I call him. He runs the workout. Making us work hard. He has fat, IS fat. But he is strong. He is one of those big guys that can move.
Hopefully he never finds this... but knowing him, he could find it if he wanted.

Stay Beautiful

Please

No...
She said it.

My mother knows I am failing
And she said it


.... Maybe you need to stay home this summer and go to summer school....

no...
no..



Stay Beautiful

Final Stretch

Shit.
I have 10 pages to do by tomorrow.
Shit.

SHIT.
And my work keeps needing me.
SHIT.

I'm a pig. I ate a whole lot. Like, beyond normal. I'm going to get fat. BUT AT SOON AS SCHOOL IS OUT I'M WORKING IT OFF. PLEASE TRUST ME IN THIS EVERYONE. I'm only fat for now.
LEAVE ME ALONE DEAMON!
GOD DAMMIT GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

I'm screaming on the inside. You can't hear it. Glasses shatter, mirrors crumble into shards. FALLING APART...........................................
Hell.
I'm going to Hell.

FUCK.





I can't even think right
I wanted to say one last thing...
My mother wanted to cook some oat bread. I told her she was making it wrong. She followed the recipe word for word. AND IT TURNED OUT GOOEY IN THE CENTER. Like uncooked.
Seriously, it wasn't being cooked long enough for the ingredients allocated. But how would she know that the first time making it?
how did I know?
I'm smart at cooking. I wouldn't have made simple oat bread though...
YOU CREATE WHAT YOU FEEL. I would have made strawberry bread.
I don't need recipes to cook.

DAMMIT I HAVE TALENT WORLD.
Stop telling me I have no hope... because I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of blocking out the screaming. The inside of my head hurts from all my screaming there...







AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

FUCK YOU

Stay Beautiful

Cheating Thinking

I finished Drum Corps Camp.
There was a new guy that was thinner than me. People called him string bean. He is my current goal weight (130) and he was only one inch shorter. He was 20 years old.
At first I was jealous, then I noticed how much of a weakling he was. Especially compared to me.

Okay, I don't want to brag- I can hardly accept a compliment from the instructors at drum corps- but I can hold up my horn. It hurts, its heavy, it takes a lot more than effort and skill. It takes conditioning. Some of that conditioning caused me to 'gain' heavy muscle. But I STILL think I can lose weight.

My weight fluctuates a little, but not much. Because I easily burn off fat. I might even easily lose muscle, but I am always working to gain more strength. So I don't know how realistic my goals are.

I hate people, all the people at the drum corps are afraid of me. And then I overheard something.
One of the parents almost called me out. She watched me skip one meal (I skipped a WHOLE meal in drum corps, its hard to do that if you didn't know) and I ate hardly anything (380 calories) of the next meal. In Drum Corps, I'm pretty sure I burn well over 2,000 calories a day.
So I ate for the rest of the ordeal. I even talked to the parent that was suspicious. I talked about cooking, told her the food was amazing, thanked her for volunteering, took seconds in front of her (and in that she told me to have cake, but I refused because CAKE IS GROSS- it doesn't even taste good- so I told her I don't like certain foods, but I have a weakness for vegetables). I hate covering for this... I wish people could accept it.

I know what I am doing is killing myself. But if I had a knife to my skin, and I used it, would you have a right to stop me?
What if it isn't going to kill me?
What if all I am doing is making a little scratch?
What if all I really wanted to do was skip a meal?


We will not get our rights for a long time. People have no respect for self-harm or suicide.

Stay Beautiful