Destiny is a full time job

 Oddly enough I hate sleeping in. Often it ruins all my plans, and to me my plans are worth more than my health. I mean at least that is coherent with the eating disorder.

The worst part about sleeping in is how difficult it is to sleep the next day. At midnight I wont be tired at all, and often it will stretch later into the night. Then I'll be forced to sleep in the next day, the restless hours will prolong and eventually I'll be sleeping when the sun rises. 

Its such a small complaint just because I easily make do with it. The concept of sleeping in still irks me. 

I'm glad I didn't take advantage of the most recent lady to be attracted to me. She said something to me about how everyone meets someone for a reason. And I knew to her it meant that I was linked to her by destiny.

I do believe that, I just believe that destiny is also something that can simply be made. I can destiny myself into running a marathon. I destiny'd myself into being underweight. 

Perhaps the way I describe it can be perceived as demeaning. But I think the meaning I am looking for is that uncontrollable destiny can still be slightly controlled. 

Damns can at least tell you where the flood will occur when they fail. And so my best efforts to create a destiny where I die to my own mind can likewise be an overfilled drowning simulator. 

I've always wondered if I could be a healthcare provider for people that have mental illness. Because when I see self inflicted wounds I empathize to my core. And I have a craving to share deeper. 

I don't know if I could work with that around me.

But I do know I'd like it.

black dream muted

 It feels like its too late for my mind. I mean I'm already mentally ill. What even is the cure after being mentally broken? Does everything- medication, meditation, mediation, mastication- all middle down into damage control? Erasers are a concept that paper and whiteboards know. Memories aren't so easy to clean ink stains from.

Yet still I wonder when its actually too late. Sometimes I lose the connection with joy like its a song that stopped playing or a video put on mute. The perception disabled. 

I picked up the easiest book I could because I had 2 books with markers in them that I haven't been able to joy. 

And then the 12th page of harry potter and the philosopher's stone made me cry. It was close enough to joy for me to put the book down and enter a sleep inked fully black.

 

My will to communicate feels broken too. I delete messages to everyone and hours later I realize I never sent anything.

 So why am I waiting for a reply?

 

I wonder if I can focus enough to make something. Not of myself, as I'm as worthless as the junk fort I live in. Something out of the thoughts I have.

 

 

I'm not currently sure what a coherent plan is. 

I did write something to the-void

 

Ive been eating my favorite foods and for some reason it feels ashen within me. It dies as soon as i swallow it and i feel rotten inside.

[11:21 PM]

I feel so much more satisfied empty lately

 

Break them both

 Its always about my weight. And when I was in the hospital I was 119lbs again (6'1" height).

 

I've held dear a perspective of desiring to be the good guy. Sometimes I'll do the noble thing when it hurts and I feel nothing but desire to divulge in my devil just because I want to be the good guy. I'm definitely not convincing myself with that act. I'm just marinating myself in innocence sauce in front of others. 

Can you believe I spent 6 days in the hospital?

 

Hospital food is criminal. I wanted to puke it just to give them a lesson at how unbearable it is. I don't need luxury, but I don't want to feel like I'm being tortured into being cured. I hope prisons have better food honestly. 

Quarantine is easier when I feel like I deserve to be lonely. I get to self indulge in emotional turmoil freely. Its just a great excuse to backtrack on progressing to feel better. 

Do I really want to feel better?

Or am I just avoiding pain?

One of the more entertaining parts of my discharge is that I was given iron pills for anemia, but then I was given 5 laxatives for the constipation of the iron. My shit was black for at least 5 days from those pills. And they kill my hunger. But I didn't take any of the laxatives. Because you don't need those if you eat vegetarian the way I do.

Still... the greatest hunger suppressant for me is heartbreak. I broke someone else's heart, and it recoiled back to me. Its so strange to me how even though I feel sensation-less I look back at the feeling and crave it. Something about being so emotionally numb that I physically feel like I'm swallowing krypton makes me feel as though this is peak lifetime experience. When I'm so upset that my brain runs in circles so fast I feel oxygen deprived enough to drown on air. Its like skydiving, but also landing without a parachute over and over and over. 

I did that to someone else... and also to myself. Its only fair right?

I'm sure I'm not even sorry and I'd do it again if I was given a chance. I even think I deserve another chance. 

I think about my hospitalization over and over... and I'd break them both again if given the chance.

Page 171

This book is so intense. I was going to read another chapter and go to sleep. I knew in the back of my mind that something terrible was about to happen. As I broke through the words the feeling crept to the prefrontal cortex. Now I wonder if I can sleep after reading that.


Fiction is insane.

I don't see why anyone would want to read about the real world or even interact with it when fiction has the potential to be so much greater than anything physical. When fiction lives up to its destiny its like an infection.

Unavoidable.
Transmittable.
Permeable.
Lethal.


I think in all my time with calorie restriction I've only ever fasted 5 days of my life. Today I had reduced meal frequency, but physically I feel like I can't handle an empty tank.

I'm actually reassured by my weakness.



I've been a useless, developmentally slow adult for a while now. I'd like to blame it on my low wage and the inflexibility I have to change my routine. I even rationalize my starving by saying its just the starving wages. When I see other people spend money it feel like they belong in another world. Maybe they are just as unreal as the fiction I read...



When I'm deeper in the book I'll drop its name.
I should be careful who I recommend this book to, because unlike the other books that I've read that swallow you up and spit you out this one has some real teeth. I feel like I'm experiencing the trauma of the characters just from believing its possible this could happen. This is more brutal than the book about contagious blindness and society falling apart when no one could see. Its fast and stylistic like an Ellen Hopkins book. But crude, unlike her poetry. This makes it more believable. There are gaps in the story, but you know whats happening.


I never finished my other book. I may have even left that at my parents' house. In fact, I started this book saying that I gave up on not starting it.

Maybe I should adopt that attitude a bit more. I should give up on being a total failure. I should give up being poor. Afraid. Lonely. Broken. Messy. Unreliable. An escapist. Weak. Lazy. Worthless.



I should give up
Every
thing

Blue Screen

I remember reading long ago how strange it is that blue isn't the color of many foods. It was hypothesized that the color would have appetite suppressing effects, or at the very least not stimulate appetite because its not as alluring as the colors red or green.


I was never quite satisfied with blue being that simple. After all, if we had taken what we now call a green light and just used blue instead our associations with the color could be changed entirely. Sometimes something fits into its place and then we try to talk in a way to make it fit even more into its niche.


I feel blue.
I have people telling me why its good that I lost 5 years of hair. People that tell me I'm on the path to success when I do nothing for myself.

Its so sad too because I know what I want, but I have no desire to attain it.




I also know that I'm crippled. The battery life on my phone feels like it has a direct plug into my sanity. As it approaches zero I feel the rapids pull me towards panic, and yet I've fallen down that drain before. I know how calm it is to be in the eye of the whirlpool. But I hate it there because there is nothing to occupy my mind and all I have to look at is blue.

I don't want a blue screen.

The only thing I'm addicted to

I haven't been taking care of myself.

On October 7th I got a giant knot in my hair. Just today i finally got that knot out of my hair. I haven't showered in over a month. I haven't exercised in 2 weeks. I have had many days where I don't eat my first meal until 10pm. My cat has been shitting on the floor and sometimes I just leave it there. I don't feel like doing anything.

I'd like to say I don't care, but honestly it just feels like something I lack the capacity for. I have no capacity.


There are people on meth that have their life together more than I do.

What is her name?

I'm close to 120lbs. I mean... I weighed at 120.0 lbs this morning and I haven't eaten all of today or yesterday. My body has been good to me in that I only feel a lack of strength. I don't feel weakness.


I'm afraid of tomorrow. The day on the calendar that makes me afraid to want love. Since what does it do to me to have it fall to pieces? Can I love the pieces of love? Will I be loved tomorrow?


I should say that I have been seeing someone. She is everything I want. Its tough to deal with the unknown of wondering if I am at all anything that she wants. Maybe the way i have treated her- which has been immaculately endearing- will convince her to keep me around. I have plans tomorrow with her and I plan to do an evening first kiss at a scenic place. I'm so afraid of failure, but I still need to try.


In my mind I'm not sure if I want to eat tomorrow. Fasting has been keeping my mind clear, which helps with the stress I feel at fear of failure.

I have an interview for a job that pays basically minimum wage tomorrow. I think that it is slightly higher pay than my current job. There are many people in the first world that would find my existence to be pathetic or of low value. Don't worry, I share the same feelings for myself like any reasonable person would.

Hopefully I won't have to feel that way for very long.