What is her name?

I'm close to 120lbs. I mean... I weighed at 120.0 lbs this morning and I haven't eaten all of today or yesterday. My body has been good to me in that I only feel a lack of strength. I don't feel weakness.


I'm afraid of tomorrow. The day on the calendar that makes me afraid to want love. Since what does it do to me to have it fall to pieces? Can I love the pieces of love? Will I be loved tomorrow?


I should say that I have been seeing someone. She is everything I want. Its tough to deal with the unknown of wondering if I am at all anything that she wants. Maybe the way i have treated her- which has been immaculately endearing- will convince her to keep me around. I have plans tomorrow with her and I plan to do an evening first kiss at a scenic place. I'm so afraid of failure, but I still need to try.


In my mind I'm not sure if I want to eat tomorrow. Fasting has been keeping my mind clear, which helps with the stress I feel at fear of failure.

I have an interview for a job that pays basically minimum wage tomorrow. I think that it is slightly higher pay than my current job. There are many people in the first world that would find my existence to be pathetic or of low value. Don't worry, I share the same feelings for myself like any reasonable person would.

Hopefully I won't have to feel that way for very long.

Trash Day

The dumpster truck came by to pick up the trash today. I'm so bad at being a responsible adult that sometimes I leave it empty. But then again I live alone and I don't generate much trash. I've forgotten before and having two weeks of trash at a time isn't too much since I'm pretty low waste generally. Its one of the environmental benefits of calorie restriction.


The small things break me down. I hate the feeling of looking to scotch tape on Christmas day to wrap some presents. I hate how I lament on how I've done this three years consecutively. I have a semiserious case of first world anxieties.


My weight is up 3lbs. 5lbs if I weigh with clothes on since I still have to wear so much to stay warm. I'm upset about it every time I can spare a second.
My cat got a feeding bowl for christmas, so far its been stressing her out. Hopefully she adjusts fine. For now I'll have to evict her from my lap because I have somewhere to be.

Meow.

Content creation

I've stabilized around 125lbs.


For such a long time that was the goal.

Now it feels like the goal is to just get a little worse so that I collapse.
Maybe then I won't say no to therapy.


I know what I really want. I know this isn't the way to get it. But this is my way of painting the picture that I want to see. Hunger is my palette.  Caffeine my brush.  Water my canvass.



I actually looked it up. There is an eating disorder clinic something like 5.3 miles away from me on one of the cross streets I currently live on.

I can't go.



I'm not ready to be honest with anyone. I'm not even honest to this blog. Fuck being honest. Who deserves the truth from me anyways? I earned my secrets and I'm hiding them simply because telling the secrets puts me in more danger than keeping hidden.
Also some of my secrets are damn embarrass to talk about.


I'd much rather talk about how I cleaned my fridge. It looks so nice when it has almost nothing in it. Haha... I was even scared to eat fucking kale. I don't know why... since the carotenoid antioxidants do so well for my mind.

What can I say... dietary sabotage is an excellent hobby. 

Swallow your pride with your words

I fucking hate relying on others.


But if there is something I've learned about success it is how much easier it is to succeed when you have the help of others.


I've used pro-ana communities to motivate myself to get to lower numbers than ever before because I feel like I am being held accountable. I've gotten jobs from my parents job searching for me. I've had teachers pass me when I had less than a passing grade. I guess I could search my memory for more, but these statements feel relevant enough. It should be sufficient to say that I would not have taken many steps forward if I didn't have people that would lift my feet for me.


Which brings me to my current state. In my mind I keep telling myself that I've gained 10 lbs. In reality its more like 5 lbs, but I'm mentally preparing myself for what I will term recovery. But I have a nagging sensation to drag myself back. The people around me would pull me towards a healthy weight, but I just want to lose 10 again. I want to be the lowest I've ever been.


Its funny. I wanted to tell someone this is a low point in my life. And before the words left my mouth I had to swallow them because I knew I have worse in store.



I'm not sure what will become of me.

unnaturalbenos

I just hate how I have to live my life... where it feels like all the people in my real life can't be told all the secrets I have or the real reason why I'm 6'1" and 125lbs. That I actually try to be this weight, and if I had the willpower I'd be lower and closer to death. I actually want to flirt with death... and its not something that I can explain. Its like trying to explain why grey is my favorite color. I can find all the reasons in my head for it, but its still not going to make grey into a colorful color that other people like. Its still going to be dull to them. My state of mind is still going to be sick when I tell them why I feel this way. I'm tired of lying, but I know as soon as I tell the truth I'll lose my freedom to do what I do without resistance. I don't want to have to fight other people over my personal decisions, and the less they know the better. But why do I hate keeping the secret?

Commitment

I've never wanted to commit to anything.

Or at least... the things I've wanted to commit for I haven't had the balls to commit for and everything else that was easy enough to commit to was just convenient and there.

I really want to tell the girl that is texting me that she happened to be there. That I don't want to commit. That I just don't like the music she plays, or the weight she is, or the things she talks about. I really do listen to her, but I just don't see myself enjoying her words for very long. I don't want to change her.

Doesn't this happen to anyone else? What you are given just isn't what you want?


Although I can say that there are many things I have that I love to have. for instance all the food I've been binge-ing on. I've been loving it because I'm such a fatty. I have 14 containers of truffles, 12 boxes of perfect bars, a giant bag of pita chips, I just finished vegetarian pizza, I finished a greek yogurt that I ate with flaxmeal... all of this after a fast on Sunday. LOL. One day of not eating and then I'm stuffing my fat chops for 3 days straight. I'll never drop weight this way.


I've been active on peach. I love peach so far. I like being able to express how mildly disordered I am. I even took a mirror selfie. Its funny because I've been teasing that I'll leave pictures here for a while and I just get a different outlet and take a picture right away. I want so badly to fit in.


Maybe I just don't deserve it.

The 15th will be harder than the 14th

I purposely didn't message anyone on valentines day.

Well... I did reply back to one message. And I texted people back when they texted me. But I didn't send a valentines message.

Because I'm trying to realize that I'm not ready.


Dammit I want to be loved. I want to love. I want...
But I've been trying to teach myself for a while now that love isn't just about want. Its about fulfillment. Its adventure. Exploration. Its the comfort of gamaaminobutyricacid when you touch because your amygdala is quelled. The rush of dopamine when sunshine hits your pituitary gland. The oxytocin you share the oxygen you share the carbon dioxide you share the making-out you share.

I'm not sure what love is... maybe some of the CO2 I'm breathing is going to my brain and I'm trying to think with necrotic neurons.

I felt like all day today I was dying. Like I took too many blood thinners and I was a bruise away from bleeding out or a minute of holding my breath or locking my knees from fainting. My feet are currently asleep, but maybe that is because I'm sitting like a perched hermit. I'm in a house with 4 other people right now and I have total privacy, but I crave being alone.



I think that I want to be alone. But then I'm so confused because empty just doesn't feel right.