Relief by mob

Ran in a mob.
Of naked people.
Naked

Why? because others were doing it. because I don't feel like I have much time left here. because it allowed me to take the burden I felt and throw it in to the mob.
No one felt like I do
Diffusion so to speak

And... I'm still feeling like I was never sad in my life. High off the happiness of others.
But how long will that last?

Only...
I knew this.
I know my happiness depends on others. I need other people to be happy and I need to make THEM happy for me to be happy.


Otherwise I feel this intense hungering
never getting full or satisfied
dragging myself sad
and stubborn
refusing to get help or help myself
Not giving a damn
Wanting death
wishing it on others
Hate
and more hate

So this is the alternative. To live vicariously the life of a happy pig.
Eat and feel full
Even if that is not what I personally believe in or feel myself
I'll just plug myself in to the feelings of others like some robot

Reflecting on it...
I don't want it to be either way
just want... a future


stay beautiful

Not sure what to do

Even this morning with my disordered eyes I spotted someone else who was eating less than they should be. I believe her nervous glances betrayed her, but I could be dead.

I could be wrong




stay beautiful

Binge and music

Naz... Do you even have a PT anymore?

Ew...
this place
Food
fuck it all
even the people.
Some normal
some thin
almost all of them loud
lucky me... my headphones almost block it all out



I'm actually happier now that I've eaten.
I want to write books. I feel like writing books is the only use of talent I can make at this point. I fell behind in science. And yet, when I analyze how brutish this writing is... how much I emphasize the raw communication.
Its just another ugly part of me.
I don't think any part of me is worth anything
Even my ideas are worth nothing.


I can see why some people say music saves lives.
But tomorrow I might not see it.
I wanted to die... surrounded by this...
Time to steal something  what scares me is that this is the world we live in. We exist in a place where individuals living their truths can be subjected, directly or otherwise, to fear simply for living those truths

there... if you can't read it highlight it. Don't be a dipshit



stay beautiful

Not feeling it

At about 8pm I felt hungry.
That means to me that I'm not sick.
Oh the thought of food felt so delicious.

I was thinking creamy asparagus soup, broccoli with tillamook cheddar, a cranberry smoothie and oh so beautiful pumpkin pastries.
But...
no.

I have to do something the right way.


I don't feel sore until I exercise.
Took a day off from running because that 11 miles put a twinge in my left knee. I mostly took care of it. I'll do some one legged squats now while you peeps are reading this. It really does work... make your quad muscle strong enough with the proper alignment and then it won't pull the knee out of alignment and you'll never get knee pain.

And if you don't like those factoids you wouldn't like me.
I could annoy myself
But I like to be criticized.

No one else does though
this is why I can't be loved



stay beautiful

A little hungry

I'm always sad
But this news made me want to eat out of sadness

I can't do that.
I can't go in that direction
I need to get worse and not better.

I know I'm hurt, but I need to do something tonight. Just to prove I'm sick.





stay beautiful

So what

11 miles

I used to envy that distance
used to wish I could just go out and run it
now I can
But...
I still can't die for this beauty
I eat as a reflex
not good enough

at least I held myself to

11 miles

tomorrow?
maybe some more

stay beautiful

Weak

Trying to get back into losing weight reminds me of how weak I am.

Head starting to ache already. Only been... 6 hours.
Want to run. For an hour.
Next meal in... 3 hours.
So 2 hours to...
to...




stay beautiful