Unfaithful

I've been writing somewhere else.
 
 
stay beautiful

Last Night

Someone I lost contact with for now told my sister that I told her I was "afraid I was anorexic"


I said no such thing.  Its a sensitive topic.
And I'm not afraid if I am.
If I am, I want to be, and I don't want to.
I can't help what I am.
And I want to be myself.

Either way, I weigh too much, I eat too much, and I'm too damn good of a cook to be Anorexic.
It was easy enough to shrug off.
But the... concern she suddenly had about my eating habits...

There is a reason I don't like telling people I'm different.
I want to be myself,


Still waiting for you to pick up my calls artist...

Stay Beautiful

Waiting for the rain

Days have passed.
 
I finished a good book.
 
 
I also... binged.  I don't often binge, and even when I do...  a binge doesn't upset me so much.  I feel much better today.  I lifted my tuba, and could hardly lift it.  Unless it got heavier, that means i got weaker.  If I got weaker, I weigh less.  Sometimes I hate being a fat glob of muscle.  Plus, its so much easier to exert myself when I am weak.  I hate when I am so strong that I run for hours and I'm still strung on energy.
 
 
I've been thinking about calling F-F to get a date.  I was going to take her ice skating and then have a picnic at a park and maybe go ice skating again.  I would want to make the call for that tonight.
I am at work right now.
 
Yes, I get paid to update my blog through my email.
I get 2 paychecks tomorrow because... i forgot to pick up the one from last pay day- about 4 times.
meh.
money... I want more, but I don't mind getting it late.
 
There are some things money can't buy.
 
I'm trying for some of those.
 
 
 
I also... got so tired today that I was having hallucinations....
 
my boss walked in while I was doing this.  I minimized the window, and he actually did work on this computer for me; such a nice guy ya know.2623
lol.
I put in my code fogetting this was here.
anyways.  work needs to get done. 
 
 
stay beautiful

HI FOLLOWERS I KNOW YOU ARE THERE

Hey, sometimes I blog just cause I'm lonely.

Feel free to say hi.
I dunno you all.
and I'm scared of you.
but if you say hi first I don't have to be scared...



stay beautiful

Jerk

You are a jerk.  You really pulled the Invisible Pink Unicorn card?
You were just testing her.  You were trying...
You were trying to get her to HELP you.  Because no one else can get you to open up.
You never believed.
You only thought...

of yourself...
I thought of what was best at the time

And things have changed now.  Grades are the most important thing.
what are you afraid of.
Failing again...  I can't let myself fail again.
why are you wasting your time?
I'm hoping.  I'm hoping someone can help me.


Who are you talking to?
No one...



stay beautiful

A secret without a sphinx

I went on a run today and ran out of energy.
Understandable...

I had a few grapes, some strawberries and milk.  So I walked instead.  I don't remember how far I went... I kinda got dazed and couldn't keep track of what lap I was on.  But it was either 2 or 3 laps- (4 or 6 miles) and I run to the trail I run and that is 5 miles for there and back.
I don't like actually calculating these things.
Its just good to know that I don't give my body all the energy it needs.  So its going to have to cut out some of my fat.  Good.
I was about to cut myself anyways.  I don't know.  Just been tempted.  Its been on my mind a lot.
So I accidentally got my arm messed up.  It looks like I went at it with a knife (and cut really shallow).  This was caused by big wood tables that I carried around as a volunteer.  I helped set-up and clean up.

I need to go to a university.  By that... I mean I really want to.  Its so wonderful how much you have to walk, how many people there are that are my age, and how in depth the classes are.  I want that so much.

But I don't have the GPA.
I have Cs.  I have Cs...
Maybe worse if I don't do work right now.

I want to go away.


Maybe this... is why I want to cut so bad.
Its just so frustrating.  Why?
Why can't I do well?

What is it about me that I can't do anything right?

stay beautiful

Dear Miss Strickland

You had two questions for me.  This is them:

1)  Do you ENJOY being offensive?  You CAN help it.

2)  If you are sorry for the title, why did you not just change it before sending the document?

 

The best Defense is a good offense.

I am inferior to all the writers that we read of.  I am less successful than all of them, and I don't see myself going anywhere in the future.  When I criticize literature I am aware that my standing as a student with a low GPA means that I will never get published, recognized, or attain the same level of education that they have already had.  And when I read their writing I ask myself 'what makes you so special?'

I could do that...

 

I'm missing the point.

I know I am flawed.
I'm bitter because of it.

Strangely enough, I can isolate this feeling so that it only comes out when the grade matters.  If we to discuss a story without any reference to giving me points then I could actually talk how you want me to.

I will not ignore the institutions.  You can tell me to ignore the institutions because you don't like my behavior, but I can't ignore them.

 

I am barred from going to the school I want.  The only physical barrier preventing admission to where I want to be is a GPA.

I'm sick with anger because I can't be what I want, even though what I want to be is useful.

I'm sick with self loathing because it is my fault I haven't had the grades.  I have tried but

I hate the system because I can't do it.  All my life I have tried changing myself so that I can abide by their rules and I can jump through their hoops.  But do you know how wretching it is to change a person?

 

It breaks my heart. 

And it never crossed my mind to change the title

(I turned in an essay with the title READMYSHIT.doc)

stay beautiful