Thursday, May 27, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Subject Of The On
The time passes by. It seems my only goal is to make my eyes more and more bloodshot. I've been trying to lose sleep, and trying to play more and more video games. There comes a time when nothing is fun.
I'm running out of time. I can't be lazy anymore.
The good news is, the path ahead doesn't scare me at all. I anticipate it. I want to leave behind where I am.
Sometimes I don't motivate myself.
I can tell right now I don't want motivation.
But I know where it is when I want it.
Why do I even try?
The New Busy is not the too busy. Combine all your e-mail accounts with Hotmail. Get busy.
I'm running out of time. I can't be lazy anymore.
The good news is, the path ahead doesn't scare me at all. I anticipate it. I want to leave behind where I am.
Sometimes I don't motivate myself.
I can tell right now I don't want motivation.
But I know where it is when I want it.
Why do I even try?
The New Busy is not the too busy. Combine all your e-mail accounts with Hotmail. Get busy.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Poison
I have to apologize in this sentence: so sorry. I mean, I just gained some followers and then I stop updating.
That doesn't say good things about me. But none of my actions say anything good about me.
I have been hitting a wall. For some reason everything is hard. The rock climbing, which to me felt simple and easy is still hurting my forearms.
I'm tired of complaining that everything isn't easy.
I gained an assload of weight. I'm fat. Its gross. I had fasted for 2 days, but that didn't help because I went right back to meals again and while my metabolism isn't inhibited yet from my habits I haven't really been doing anything to work it off. I seriously lost any semblance of a six pack. I'm on vacation.
But do I need that vain illustration of lines on my stomach that we call a six pack?
I think about it. What are my goals? After all, if I do reach my goal weight I'm not going to be strong like I am. Strength to me is everything; that is why after I reach my goal weight I plan to go up. Yes, I plan to gain weight from my low weight so that I can see where I want to stop. What is the medium between thin enough and strong enough. Sorry if I have a different view, but I'm a realist as much as an idealist. If I have all the wealth in the world it isn't as useful without the most health you can have.
Yet... Not all of us want to be healthy. Many of us want to die. I... Don't know where I am there. Seriously if I could walk away from everything I have and return months later I would. I mean everything.
Okay... I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I ate lasagna. I had breakfast. Then I went to sleep again and when I woke up I had breakfast again.
And still... My mother asked me why I couldn't have seconds when it was just us (yesterday my friend was over and I ate seconds...- because I'm stupid). I'm looking at her thinking... why can't I just throw out my meals?
There is nothing to be suspicious about.
Sometimes I wonder; who am I lying to?
Her?
Me?
Or is what I am saying making no sense?
Is everything I say wrong?
Is being wrong a lie?
I'm unfocused. I always am. But I have the rest of the week off of work. I'll find something to do with the time. I will not waste my time.
Stay Beautiful
That doesn't say good things about me. But none of my actions say anything good about me.
I have been hitting a wall. For some reason everything is hard. The rock climbing, which to me felt simple and easy is still hurting my forearms.
I'm tired of complaining that everything isn't easy.
I gained an assload of weight. I'm fat. Its gross. I had fasted for 2 days, but that didn't help because I went right back to meals again and while my metabolism isn't inhibited yet from my habits I haven't really been doing anything to work it off. I seriously lost any semblance of a six pack. I'm on vacation.
But do I need that vain illustration of lines on my stomach that we call a six pack?
I think about it. What are my goals? After all, if I do reach my goal weight I'm not going to be strong like I am. Strength to me is everything; that is why after I reach my goal weight I plan to go up. Yes, I plan to gain weight from my low weight so that I can see where I want to stop. What is the medium between thin enough and strong enough. Sorry if I have a different view, but I'm a realist as much as an idealist. If I have all the wealth in the world it isn't as useful without the most health you can have.
Yet... Not all of us want to be healthy. Many of us want to die. I... Don't know where I am there. Seriously if I could walk away from everything I have and return months later I would. I mean everything.
Okay... I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry.
I ate lasagna. I had breakfast. Then I went to sleep again and when I woke up I had breakfast again.
And still... My mother asked me why I couldn't have seconds when it was just us (yesterday my friend was over and I ate seconds...- because I'm stupid). I'm looking at her thinking... why can't I just throw out my meals?
There is nothing to be suspicious about.
Sometimes I wonder; who am I lying to?
Her?
Me?
Or is what I am saying making no sense?
Is everything I say wrong?
Is being wrong a lie?
I'm unfocused. I always am. But I have the rest of the week off of work. I'll find something to do with the time. I will not waste my time.
Stay Beautiful
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Quick 100
So this is post 100.
Celebration.
Really I don't care much. What I do care about is what happened today.
Work, literally woke up and left. Food, I had 3 apples, tea, milk, and a pickle, and I have been awake and on my feet for most of the day starting at 9am and ending at 11pm.
Things are clearing up on the inside.
This is the second day I have skipped dinner in a row. Tomorrow I do an intensive activity. Maybe a bike ride for about 10 miles, maybe rock climbing, maybe both. I'm not going to work too hard if I can. But I'll see how it goes.
Never eat unless you are hungry
Today I was at work on my lunch and a coworker asked me "aren't you going to eat?"
I told her I have strange eating habits that vary even more on the weekend. I live off of carrots, apples and tea I said. Most of the time I am invisible at work. Especially when you compare me to the other guys, after all I'm just a tech junkie compared to a polite Mormon and an avid tennis player, or a pretty normal guy that speaks his mind. Most of the time I just fade into the background...
I work alone. No one should care what I eat.
Today at work I had 2 kids walk into my store before I was going to close. I showed them my unicycle and talked to them about stuff. These kids were about 10 years old, and for fun I put tape over one of the signs at work so that it said BUTT---S instead of BUTTONS. I love kids...
NO.
I don't love anything.
I would have killed the kids if you let me. If I had a weapon I would have used the fact that I lured them in. Their lives would have been over, and their parents wouldn't even have known. They would have thought: "but I just let them go out and get an ice cream."
One of the kids spilled his ice cream on the floor at work.
I'm cool with that... I really don't mind cleaning up after him. I even cleaned it in front of him, and was PROUD of this kid because he apologized. He was having fun chatting and spending time with me so he respected me enough to apologize for his mistake. 'People make mistakes- its up to you and me to fix them'
He understood that. It means that when it comes down to it... YOU have to be the 'better person' that cleans up the mess someone else made. Hopefully he will grow up to be great.
But hopefully he never has to know what love is.
Tomorrow is now. I have to sleep. Sorry there isn't any substantially significant insight in my 100th post. I just wrote the same junk you can expect from post 1 and post 101.
Stay Beautiful
Celebration.
Really I don't care much. What I do care about is what happened today.
Work, literally woke up and left. Food, I had 3 apples, tea, milk, and a pickle, and I have been awake and on my feet for most of the day starting at 9am and ending at 11pm.
Things are clearing up on the inside.
This is the second day I have skipped dinner in a row. Tomorrow I do an intensive activity. Maybe a bike ride for about 10 miles, maybe rock climbing, maybe both. I'm not going to work too hard if I can. But I'll see how it goes.
Never eat unless you are hungry
Today I was at work on my lunch and a coworker asked me "aren't you going to eat?"
I told her I have strange eating habits that vary even more on the weekend. I live off of carrots, apples and tea I said. Most of the time I am invisible at work. Especially when you compare me to the other guys, after all I'm just a tech junkie compared to a polite Mormon and an avid tennis player, or a pretty normal guy that speaks his mind. Most of the time I just fade into the background...
I work alone. No one should care what I eat.
Today at work I had 2 kids walk into my store before I was going to close. I showed them my unicycle and talked to them about stuff. These kids were about 10 years old, and for fun I put tape over one of the signs at work so that it said BUTT---S instead of BUTTONS. I love kids...
NO.
I don't love anything.
I would have killed the kids if you let me. If I had a weapon I would have used the fact that I lured them in. Their lives would have been over, and their parents wouldn't even have known. They would have thought: "but I just let them go out and get an ice cream."
One of the kids spilled his ice cream on the floor at work.
I'm cool with that... I really don't mind cleaning up after him. I even cleaned it in front of him, and was PROUD of this kid because he apologized. He was having fun chatting and spending time with me so he respected me enough to apologize for his mistake. 'People make mistakes- its up to you and me to fix them'
He understood that. It means that when it comes down to it... YOU have to be the 'better person' that cleans up the mess someone else made. Hopefully he will grow up to be great.
But hopefully he never has to know what love is.
Tomorrow is now. I have to sleep. Sorry there isn't any substantially significant insight in my 100th post. I just wrote the same junk you can expect from post 1 and post 101.
Stay Beautiful
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Testing this
I can email myself my own blog entries if I ever can't blog.
I might make use of this... if I ever get a replacement for my missing and foreverlost itouch...
Oh well, I'm a spoiled kid. I have a job and I save money from that. Right now I could afford to replace the itouch for $400 but I would rather keep myself secure. I will not go broke.
For those of you unaware, I'm trying to bust out 10 pages again before 10:30 tomorrow. And subsequently after I turn in that paper I shall take a 150 question final for an hour or so, go to work, call for jury duty, get home and hopefully sleep but not sleep in because I work 8 hours on Saturday and I need to open the store.
I'm glad I got a short 2.5 mile run in today.
Last day of that English class...
Good.
End entry
Stay Beautiful
Hotmail is redefining busy with tools for the New Busy. Get more from your inbox. See how.
I might make use of this... if I ever get a replacement for my missing and foreverlost itouch...
Oh well, I'm a spoiled kid. I have a job and I save money from that. Right now I could afford to replace the itouch for $400 but I would rather keep myself secure. I will not go broke.
For those of you unaware, I'm trying to bust out 10 pages again before 10:30 tomorrow. And subsequently after I turn in that paper I shall take a 150 question final for an hour or so, go to work, call for jury duty, get home and hopefully sleep but not sleep in because I work 8 hours on Saturday and I need to open the store.
I'm glad I got a short 2.5 mile run in today.
Last day of that English class...
Good.
End entry
Stay Beautiful
Hotmail is redefining busy with tools for the New Busy. Get more from your inbox. See how.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
YOU
I hate you so much.
Every time I see you I think of how perfect you are not. I KNOW you aren't perfect.
I can SEE you aren't perfect.
Every time I see you my heart goes insane. My mind beats wildly, I only have my cold hands to hold it all in. I hate you for that.
I hate you so much. I will always hate you.
Every time I look at you I die more on the inside. I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate what you are. I hate what you mean. One of us needs to die.
I want you to the one that dies.
Because I don't want to love you
If you needed me to I'd die for you...
Stay Beautiful
Every time I see you I think of how perfect you are not. I KNOW you aren't perfect.
I can SEE you aren't perfect.
Every time I see you my heart goes insane. My mind beats wildly, I only have my cold hands to hold it all in. I hate you for that.
I hate you so much. I will always hate you.
Every time I look at you I die more on the inside. I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate what you are. I hate what you mean. One of us needs to die.
I want you to the one that dies.
Because I don't want to love you
If you needed me to I'd die for you...
Stay Beautiful
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