Unlucky

Normally my spending is way down, but from disasters to splurging on expensive stuff I might have spent $2000 in the past month. Very little of that money was on food.

I think I'm losing weight.
There are a few warning signs such as clothes that used to be tight not being tight and getting cold no matter what. The chills at night are the worst part of dancing into a lower weight. It feels like your body temperature can't get warm. You'll have every blanket on... I mean its early spring right now and it feels like my chest never gets that warm feeling that it does when i catch a good ray of sun in the summer. Even the daytime sun doesn't warm me enough this early in the season.

The chill reminds me of how alone I feel. Mostly because I've noticed that the chill doesn't exist if I am satisfied with someone.
Maybe its as simple as getting my mind off of it.
But who is really in control?


I feel like I eat normally, but every once and a while someone tries to explain what they eat to me and it reminds me I'm not the same. I'm never going to be the same...
I just have too few moments of weakness. I ate some carbohydrate heavy lentil crisps. Nothing over 400 calories worth of course, but still considered a mistake by my brain even if I do consider myself recovered. Other people mini guilt trip themselves when they eat off course so why can't I? Besides that all my other 'slip ups' have been me eating a little of a chocolate bar or truffle. I bought truffles recently just for me. It took me a week to eat a small 6 oz box of truffles.
I really do love chocolate.


Lately I've been fantasizing about planning out a fast.
I don't know why these things cross my mind.

Happiness Withdrawal

I cried a little today.

Want to know why?

I cried because I was remembering something

I was happy

I cried because it was bothering me why I was so productive on a certain day 2 weeks ago. I couldn't figure out what I ate or what helped me sleep right. Why did I have so much motivation that one day?

Its spring and I wore a sweater today because the mood of today lowered my body temperature. I've lost a lot of mental energy and emotional stamina trying to forget... And if you know my blog you'll know I wouldn't break my principles and drink alcohol or do drugs to forget. I have to live through this: punishing memories that I have to serve like prison terms.


Its so silly because these memories freshly created- knowing what happiness feels like- are dead before the flowers of the season. The suffering of losing them will wilt before summer begins... Unless I get another dose.


I feel old now. The blogging community that I originally joined has left to live their life while I'm still here.
I'm still thinking these thoughts... I wonder if anyone else in that community still tries to lose weight.
Feels like the only thing I've accomplished is the happiness that isn't even in my control.



Its in her control

Reaching out for help

Its so easy to feel unwanted when you pursue others and the only response you seem to get is no.


But I understand.
I know what i want is so difficult to find that I'd chase the shadow of understanding it.



Restricting calories alone probably isn't sufficient to lose weight every time. The formula seems obvious, but when you actually abstain from food for a long time it just doesn't always translate into reduction in mass. Part of it probably has to do with how a damaged metabolism won't be able to transport and burn off solid mass as well as a healthier metabolism.
I always wondered why eating disorders were more rituals of punishment than they were delving into information that helps you understand how weight loss is achieved and how best to achieve it. There are more efficient ways to lose weight that don't necessitate constant starvation.

What are they?
I think about it all the time. Do I really know the answer that i insinuate as being obvious?
Eating indigestible fibers seems like a solid plan. Low calorie but high amount of soluble fiber sounds fairly comfortable when it comes to feeling like appetite is appeased. It also achieves caloric restriction and helps feed probiotics which are known influencers of metabolism. I'm assuming it works.

I've also heard of a week long diet regime in an article about diabetes where type 2 diabetes was reversed in most of the patients (some number around 80%) by doing a week long olive oil and vegetable broth diet once every month. Raising blood sugar feels like the best way to gain weight and so I feel like this could be an effective way to lose weight by combating that.

Keto? Maybe that works? It sure feels better than trying your hardest to move when you have no energy or not faint until the evening. Feels better than hearing your heartbeat all day because your senses are heightened and you probably should eat but all you do is drink more water hoping it helps you feel full enough to keep going.


And why do we even do this? Would this even be a problem if we felt loved in the first place?

I haven't seen you for a while

Its been so long since I last saw you

Yeah. It feels like I'm happier without seeing the people that love me.


Its crazy when you live in the world of a twisted mind. You don't feel love the same way others do and so you can't interpret their feelings properly. I personally discredit the love others feel.
I guess my issue is that in order to be loved I have to feel known first. I don't feel that way. All too often I get people that tell me they do not understand me. It gives me some perspective though when i encounter someone I do not understand. As a side note I find someone I do not understand very difficult to harbor any love towards.

Most of the time people are boring. They aren't worth knowing. Its like some of the books you have to read for school where the language is archaic and the storyline is so far removed from today's technology and setting that its hard to get into it. Actually the problem typically isn't the technology or lack of proper hygiene. Usually its cultural norms that have been discarded where the disconnect occurs.
The same cultural insignificances cause people to become boorish. Pop culture is shallow. Even practices that have stood with time lack content. Always just the title of the book.  But what else would you judge a character off of?

Some books though... just a struggle to get through.


I must be one of those books.




Have i mentioned lately what I've learned about intelligence?
I've noticed that the difference between the smart people and the dumb people; even when comparing something that is interest based like book smarts vs weed smarts that the largest delta occurs with how long a period of time the smarter person is willing to devote to answering a question or solving a problem.
Its not just time. Time is just the easiest to measure. Motivation is another important factor and much more difficult to track.
Its so obvious, but when you attempt to teach a child how to be smart while others are attempting to teach the same child how to intelligent the approach is so different with this in mind.

Often people will try to steer a child's interests towards something regarded as 'for smart people'. Such as science kits or playing with legos instead of linkin logs because legos would be for the smarter kids.
When you instead hold to the principle that motivation and time are the only factors that matter you don't care what is played with. Instead you attempt to bridge interests like toy cars with uninteresting items like plastic bottles. You show a child a toy car made from a plastic bottle; you ask them which of 5 different sized and colored plastic bottles they would enjoy a toy car of the best.... you attempt to awaken something.

I think there is a weakness to this line of approach. I think if you give away enough answers or you guide too much you destroy divergent thinking early.
If you teach a child that a paper clip is for keeping paper together over and over and over again you might miss out on the phase where a paperclip is a metallic line oragami or the key to neverland or a stirring rod for a mud concoction.
When the answer is found there isn't much more reason to search.

Which reminds me of something else that came across my mind while trying to understand how intelligence could be passed on to others. (forgive me always using children as an example; the young are simply the easiest to brainwash). The formula works best when there is pursuit beyond a sufficient solution/answer.


I'll admit I do not believe I have any idea of a program or way to set up a life to make someone smarter. I'll admit that I don't have a giving enough heart to desire such a thing to exist.

So why do I think about it. Am I just trying to prove myself intelligent by abiding to my own principles? Am I in a way motivated to try to prove myself superior that I'll make up the rules just so I can play by them?

I don't know.



And whatever it is in me that makes me feel unloved, unknown...
Feels like the exact same locus of my dissatisfaction with the half answers the universe gives me.

Mortal complaints and sleep

I'm currently alive.


Sleeping is a trade. I don't want to lose time just to regain my coordination, but I'm forced to.
I want more time so badly that I would like to stay awake till night when I've been up since yesterday, but I would need assistance for that to happen. I don't even like putting caffeine in my body still.

I still don't drink alcohol. I'm still 6'1" and closer to 130lbs than 140lbs.
I feel like I've figured some things out that I hadn't thought of before and none of my goals feel as important anymore.
Maybe one of the reasons why I'm not too motivated to plan ahead has to do with how satisfied I finally am. I like how comfortable my body feels. I use all my time and I don't have to try in order to succeed at what I'm busy with. I'm not even busy... Most of the time when I have things to do its just favors for other people and so the day passes by like it was never even mine.

What am i going to do today?
Probably start by sleeping.
This damn body and the weaknesses of being human.

This year November

I plan to weigh myself this November sometime and possibly post some pictures. I'm a bit sad about it because at one point I was really thin again, but I lost it... I had bruises from sleeping my body was so weak.

I just wanted attention is all.

Stay beautiful 

November