I ate two slices of pizza. I know everything I put on it. But I can't remember all the caloric values. I'm bringing that fancy journal everywhere now... I need to write all my eats down again so you can see how disgusting I am.
You'll know I'm not thin
not beautiful
not even strong enough to abstain from food
I do not have a sexy body, I have a stomach that protrudes over my hip bones. Stomachs aren't meant to store food, they are meant to pulverize it and relax at a concave setting. Its in our biology, the muscles are best relaxed when empty.
Whatever, I'm not even smart.
Tomorrow decides whether I pass calculus or not.
If not, then I'll try again Thursday
I miss something I've never had
I miss having a female crying on my shoulder
so I have to do nothing
and I can be as ugly as I am and its okay
because she just needs someone to cry on
I'm there
And I have to do nothing.
stay beautiful
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Mourned
I don't want school to end.
It ends this week.
School ends this week.
I'm not ready
In fact. I'm 5 pages from failure at this moment.
fml?
no.
I'm only sad at this one thing
I'm sure of it.
8K72483ry863st863al S386es683la8365r is dead.
stay beautiful
It ends this week.
School ends this week.
I'm not ready
In fact. I'm 5 pages from failure at this moment.
fml?
no.
I'm only sad at this one thing
I'm sure of it.
8K72483ry863st863al S386es683la8365r is dead.
stay beautiful
5870
Last night I couldn't sleep.
My leg from my hip to my toe was in severe pain.
I was trying to sleep through it.
That wasn't going to happen.
I'm inflexible. That is how I say it happened.
My leg from my hip to my toe was in severe pain.
I was trying to sleep through it.
That wasn't going to happen.
I'm inflexible. That is how I say it happened.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Todays Dawdle expanded on
Love stroked her cheek
Too pretty to him she was
but nothing else was
attractive
Her eyes
,beautiful like roses,
were down
Her hands
delicate like birds
rested uselessly on his arms,
His face closer to hers
"And you won't even feel a thing."
Doctor
Liar
I could feel the needle puncturing my arm,
feel digging into skin to reach blood
Feel him push it in
Blood washing poison like a river washing blood
I needed to see but had to look away
I didn't want to see the Demon
doctor
Fluorescent light woven gloves
White squares, white ceiling, white coat white room
Doctor retracted the needle A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear Staining the skin as it fell
Poison
convulse
convulse
convulse
In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank Sad, hurt, surprised, dead and blank
The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same
There was no winning
I have found Nihilism
There. I changed today's story into a poem.
I did things that the artists do... I have only one period in the whole poem Beginnings of sentences are shown by capital letters. My commas are formalities of sentence structure, but I purposely leave out a lot of commas. I left out the last the last comma in the white description line to make a weakening echo kind of effect. I hope. I don't know.
I've used enjambment (breaking my sentences by starting a new line before completing a thought; seen in the "i didn't want to see the..." line). Don't take English classes.
This poem is a waste of time.
stay beautiful
Too pretty to him she was
but nothing else was
attractive
Her eyes
,beautiful like roses,
were down
Her hands
delicate like birds
rested uselessly on his arms,
His face closer to hers
"And you won't even feel a thing."
Doctor
Liar
I could feel the needle puncturing my arm,
feel digging into skin to reach blood
Feel him push it in
Blood washing poison like a river washing blood
I needed to see but had to look away
I didn't want to see the Demon
doctor
Fluorescent light woven gloves
White squares, white ceiling, white coat white room
Doctor retracted the needle A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear Staining the skin as it fell
Poison
convulse
convulse
convulse
In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank Sad, hurt, surprised, dead and blank
The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same
There was no winning
I have found Nihilism
There. I changed today's story into a poem.
I did things that the artists do... I have only one period in the whole poem Beginnings of sentences are shown by capital letters. My commas are formalities of sentence structure, but I purposely leave out a lot of commas. I left out the last the last comma in the white description line to make a weakening echo kind of effect. I hope. I don't know.
I've used enjambment (breaking my sentences by starting a new line before completing a thought; seen in the "i didn't want to see the..." line). Don't take English classes.
This poem is a waste of time.
stay beautiful
Hobbyist
He guessed it was love; stroked her cheek. To him, she might have been too pretty, but nothing else was attractive. The whole world was filled with things that didn't mean anything. Nothing could make him feel.
Her eyes, beautiful like roses, looked down. He hands rested uselessly against him, he pulled his face closer to hers...
"And you won't even feel a thing" Said the doctor.
Liar. I could sense the needle puncturing my arm, digging into skin to reach blood. I knew when he pushed in whatever it was, I noticed a difference as my blood mixed with the substance. Still, I kept my eyes away. I didn't want to see the doctor.
Light stained his reptilian skin. He wore a sheen of white squares on the undressed backs of his hands, his lab coat hung long. He retracted the needle. A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear. Staining the skin as it went.
Just then the poison set in. Deathly pain wracked her body. She convulsed and convulsed and convulsed. In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank. Sad, hurt, surprised, but dead and blank.
The human showed no reaction. The human had reached a point where nothing else mattered but death.
The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same
There was no winning.
I had a daydream and I wanted to record it. Hopefully this shows quite well what it was. Some sort of unnamed passion for an unnamed girl. Then a flashback, or sort of a transportation out of time to a hospital-like setting. Except the doctor is really a demon. This demon torments someone who has been killed on the inside. And what the demon did, we go back to the passion, kills him even more. The woman was an unfortunate victim. Sort of collateral.
Isn't that what we are?
Players in our own lives
Collateral to everyone else.
stay beautiful
Her eyes, beautiful like roses, looked down. He hands rested uselessly against him, he pulled his face closer to hers...
"And you won't even feel a thing" Said the doctor.
Liar. I could sense the needle puncturing my arm, digging into skin to reach blood. I knew when he pushed in whatever it was, I noticed a difference as my blood mixed with the substance. Still, I kept my eyes away. I didn't want to see the doctor.
Light stained his reptilian skin. He wore a sheen of white squares on the undressed backs of his hands, his lab coat hung long. He retracted the needle. A small bubble of blood formed from the minuscule cavity, and it grew to a drop, and grew to a tear. Staining the skin as it went.
Just then the poison set in. Deathly pain wracked her body. She convulsed and convulsed and convulsed. In a matter of seconds her eyes were blank. Sad, hurt, surprised, but dead and blank.
The human showed no reaction. The human had reached a point where nothing else mattered but death.
The reptile shook his head
The man did nothing but stare
And she did the same
There was no winning.
I had a daydream and I wanted to record it. Hopefully this shows quite well what it was. Some sort of unnamed passion for an unnamed girl. Then a flashback, or sort of a transportation out of time to a hospital-like setting. Except the doctor is really a demon. This demon torments someone who has been killed on the inside. And what the demon did, we go back to the passion, kills him even more. The woman was an unfortunate victim. Sort of collateral.
Isn't that what we are?
Players in our own lives
Collateral to everyone else.
stay beautiful
Energizer
My physical status goes something like... I've been having one meal per day. But that will probably change today.
Food has made me ridiculously full lately. Chewing was a little hard.
But I'm so darn happy for no reason.
I've had a lot of energy for no reason.
I also love the movie Hamlet. I haven't even seen the whole thing, but I've downloaded it for free. I can watch it anytime.
I've had pleasing dreams of building computers, of purchasing and purchasing and purchasing. Cleaning the house, repairing cars, ameliorating everything. For no good reason I've been happy. The only thing I haven't dreamed of spending money on is food. But I have dreamt of buying fancy cooking utensils, doing dishes, and buying clothes.
I have a paper to write. One paper.
I have 1 calculus test to get 78% or higher on.
And I have 2 classes to show up to.
Then I'm done. For a month. I can starve, play my instrument, spend money, walk all day. Anything. I'll probably spend the time gaming with what I have. A safe investment. Although... I want to build a computer just to show I can. I know I can.
I don't exist emotionally right now. There is nothing but freedom. Joy every moment to be alive.
And I don't want to be happy. But I can't control my feelings.
I long to look into a defeated human's eyes and find their sadness. I wish sorrow like that was mine.
I'll have time after my academic formalities to search.
stay beautiful
Food has made me ridiculously full lately. Chewing was a little hard.
But I'm so darn happy for no reason.
I've had a lot of energy for no reason.
I also love the movie Hamlet. I haven't even seen the whole thing, but I've downloaded it for free. I can watch it anytime.
I've had pleasing dreams of building computers, of purchasing and purchasing and purchasing. Cleaning the house, repairing cars, ameliorating everything. For no good reason I've been happy. The only thing I haven't dreamed of spending money on is food. But I have dreamt of buying fancy cooking utensils, doing dishes, and buying clothes.
I have a paper to write. One paper.
I have 1 calculus test to get 78% or higher on.
And I have 2 classes to show up to.
Then I'm done. For a month. I can starve, play my instrument, spend money, walk all day. Anything. I'll probably spend the time gaming with what I have. A safe investment. Although... I want to build a computer just to show I can. I know I can.
I don't exist emotionally right now. There is nothing but freedom. Joy every moment to be alive.
And I don't want to be happy. But I can't control my feelings.
I long to look into a defeated human's eyes and find their sadness. I wish sorrow like that was mine.
I'll have time after my academic formalities to search.
stay beautiful
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