The right thing

Someone mentioned how getting older with a poisoned brain drained their patience and passion. They could no longer play their instrument or read new books. I've been in the same place and admitted to the same things. I sank over 10 years into music, and I've lost it.
It reminds me so much of how people spend years in school learning math, only to spend enough time away that they can't even help their children with homework. I'm probably already at that point with math too honestly. Even though math was one of those pastimes that boosted my ego. Nowadays people praise my memory. But its not remembering things, but caring about them that lets me recall data so efficiently.

 

My cat this morning left blood on the floor, she also cried after using the litter box. I think she had a UTI from having a messy shit last night. I would have done more than just comfort her, but all I had to do was provide comfort and she healed up on her own. Sometimes just my instinct on being able to tell intuitively what the most likely diagnosis is and how to deal with it make me feel like I'm destined for medicine. I personally understand how powerful of a healer time is. And I'm sympathetic to pain because I've experienced it. 

Right behind my computer monitor I had a list of 11 things I had to do. I've done 2 of them. I'm so useless. Its great. I mean, not doing these things on the list has already cost me close to $100. But its money I'm willing to spend to do nothing. Sometimes I just don't want to be responsible.

Its wonderful when you can read the character of a person by a book or movie or show they like. I have a friend that I'm sure will enjoy Fate/Zero and Fate/Unlimited Blade Works just because of my read on his principles. It feels like just by having this read I've had an unspoken conversation about honor and morality. 

 

The words: do the right thing- are such loaded words. Sometimes I wonder how much time people consider the meaning of those words. And if those words haunt them every night. 

 

I love being haunted by doing what I perceived to have been the right thing. I'm still haunted by it. 

Arizona crossroads

 I had a good deal of time where self respect was the mantra on my mind. 

I decided that I have no self respect. If I had self respect I would be clean. I would be motivated to organize. I would want to get better. I would want and pursue companionship. I would seek to satisfy my life instead of only doing my best to suffer small. 

Others in my life have pain. But I find if I concentrate fully on their personality flaws I can dismiss their plights. I wonder if anyone can do the same to me. I can be quite an annoying person.

I'll passionately involve myself when it suits my interests. And when I'm disinterested I will swiftly drift away. 

The number for my weight when I last stepped on the scale was close to 130lbs. Thats a good normal. I mean its as good as I'm gong to get with this mental state. I keep doing one meal a day because I have no respect for my body. I could blame a lack of hunger ques, but that is just a consequence of a battle I fought long ago. A long time ago I used to anguish over how ravenous my appetite would get. And how it felt impossible to just not eat. And now its the easiest thing. Its the path of least resistance. I feel like what I learned is useful in treating eating disorders. 

When you narrow the options for comfort foods, and then you only eat comfort foods... then you end up in a situation where the comfort food isn't enough sustenance. Its difficult to have a whole cupboard with nothing but chocolate covered pretzels, but sometimes that feels like the only meal I'd allow myself to eat. 

I used to get frustrated when I saw this behavior in others. But I wanted to understand. I didn't want to combat their feelings. I just now realize I'm in the same place that they were. And its years beyond. Its like those nightmares I sometimes have where I'm forced to retake honors English 10 while I'm 29 years old at the high school I went to. Funnily enough I already retook that class once while I was a senior. 

I'd honestly have a great time, but I'd also be in hives from the embarrassment of being a full grown idiot adult in a classroom like that. 

I had a 2 minute conversation with a friend about how emotionally underwhelming near death experiences are. I never even considered my near death experience as an important event while I was experiencing it. I was honestly thinking to myself how I was sad I couldn't move, and how it was surprisingly not as painful as an ear infection or toothache.

What this conversation truly enlightened was how emotionally impactful events matter so much more than life or death. Its things like love, mental illness, the decision to abandon something that took years to build, or the decision to start something new... that ARE life and death to soul. Those are where the trauma is geographically located. 

Accidentally putting a Nintendo switch into my sock drawer was what motivated me to get a job above poverty wages while I was a student. And while I've abandoned being a student since then, my life has been more satisfying since. I think about how low I feel now, and I feel like I can look back and see a canyon behind me. 

You know what I'd love to do though?

I'd love to climb a mountain someday.

A calling

 Deaf people will tell you that being deaf is not a disability. 

There are many people with hearing that do not want to imagine living life 'without' music. 

I personally view mental illness not being a disability the same way that deaf people regard inability to hear as not being a disability.

Sure... I have whole days I waste away.

Sometimes I waste because I purposely didn't refuel. Sometimes its wasted because I spent all my mental energy convincing myself a normal meal is something I deserved today. Sometimes I just dont have motivation. I'm sure normal people are like this.

Just like how people that adore music don't want to imagine a world without it: I do not like imagining a world where I do not feel as alive. I get too much purpose from breaking myself.

I love waking up early. I'm often in such a rush I dont eat. I'm stuck doing whatever I'm doing so I dont eat. And by the time most of my waking day is gone I can have a meal and it wont ever make up for my current deficit. But it also gives me as much sunshine as possible. It lets me shop before things close. I could even visit people, but I dont know how social I'll continue to be. I'm currently in a phase where I dont feel like I deserve the company of others. I feel like I have to fix particles of myself before I enjoy myself with others. I shouldn't be trusted. It is ill mannered of me to talk to others when I have no control over how poisonous I am. 

I'm sure there was more I wanted to say. But I'll leave this post here. I havent said anything, but that isn't unusual at all for me.