Substances

I find it tragic that the older I get the pickier I get in my choice of friends. I feel like I practically need the person to mimic me or be a twin for me to be interested. 

And also the older I get the easier it is for me to be bored of my previous friends. 

There are so few real people I care about nowadays. I think my best relationships right now is the friend where we have a mutual understanding that neither of us would sacrifice anything to make the friendship better, we just hang out for as long as it provides a decent distraction from the rest of life. 

Always seeking new distractions... I remember I used to simplify the world. I told people that every action is the pursuit of pleasure or a move away from pain.

I would like to revise that to something totally off the mark: every action is for the pursuit of pain or the sabotage of pleasure.

Because no one wants to be happy

Or alive.

It's hard to find a reason to quit

Stay beautiful

I've had this as a draft

Its not even autumn yet and the rooms are trying to freeze me.

Still I've gotten better at this.
You just stick to a plan, eat only enough to stay sore all the time. Aim for surviving.
Think of all the things that are burning calories.
Standing burns calories
Cold rooms
I have to take the stairs twice because i forgot something? Thats okay i have the time.

Concentrate. I mean you can't always do it, so when you can't you can close your eyes and with that second of sleep you can do it.
Don't go to sleep too early, you'll use more energy if you stay up for a bit.


Just be really careful about people knowing.
Do things. People don't expect you to eat when you are busy.



When winter finally does come I'm going to suffer.
Its always so cold for me.
When I think back to it I remember trying to be warm by staying under cover
and still feeling a chill penetrate to my skin.

I know this guy

Out

I really should die


I hate the people that care about me. If they asked me if I'd miss them if they left or I left... i wouldn't. I'd be happier without them. Truly I want all those people, especially my family to just go away.

Even my friends, which I betray by admitting it, are not people that give me hope or a reason to sustain my life.
I don't want any part of them.

How do i do this?
I mean why am i even alive?
Is it because I've been eating and breathing, because I don't even want to do those.
I'm not doing anything.


I don't have any talents
How do i do this?

stay beautiful