Day

Feeling cold.

Seeping cold like sap from a punctured trunk. Cold ooze running tracks from the cracks and the musty smell of winter. Silence like a tree fallen.

In the new sunrise light.

A new

nothing will change

stay beautiful

All for 1.83

So not quite nothing.
But to some people that is nothing...
And as life threatening as it is to get low grades.
Its not even the grades I'm interested in. But if I want to stay afloat I'm going to have to change that part of me.

I hate changing...
I've noticed I'm very resistant to change. I've always had a built in recovery system where if I feel like I'm losing too much weight I eat a little more to keep my focus. But I know I'm just trying to stay the same...
I think.
I don't even know anything.
Especially me.

Here I am with terrible posture. Seemingly I've given up on everything. Seemingly to the data...
I don't know why it is I can't try for anything. I feel like I'm trying to get past this stage of life in as few moves as possible. Getting up as little as I can. Eating only when it must be done. Nothing extra?
Hm...
But I have been doing things extra even though i don't want to.
Its really pathetic... but I was hoping that this break would give me relief from what I think is an addiction to video games.
I really feel that weak.
I can't do anything without wanting to play... because playing makes me feel like I can do something right. And when I take a break from the work I want to play more. And when I'm tired and need to sleep I just want to play more. When I wake up I want to play before I eat. I'm lost.
Already.
No wonder I'm so useless.


I wonder why it is that no one else suffers like me...
If they don't care about their grades they also don't care about the class, they also don't care about the material, they don't care if they learn or not, they just want to get through it. Where in my case I care... I want to leave with the knowledge, and most of all I don't want the class to end (no matter how tormenting my failures are) until I have succeeded.
Why can't school be like that?


stay beautiful

Wishing me better?

When people wish me to be happy
I kinda want to tell them to fuck off


stay beautiful

Worthless

I failed out of college.

They haven't even told me yet, but wow... I missed a final and a project because I didn't know my schedule. And I didn't know...
I need to reconcile my worthlessness. I need to do something to recover now.

I messed up

forgive me

ihate

Apparently I don't like my roommate.
Not enough to cause a fight, but enough to talk of his faults much more often than the good side of him.
And when I talk about his faults I think about mine. And wonder if I am a worse person than he is.

I have decided I am not.
But I hold myself to a much higher standard... and he might still get somewhere in life because he is more sociable whereas I have given up on trying to get along with the world.
I refuse to conform because everyone else does.

Little things... such as using the phrase "how are you?" casually
that there is a negative stigma to death, pain, suffering, sadness, depression, eating disorders
that most believe that people have the right to think/believe whatever they want

I hate those three things.
Just those fundamental differences between me and most of the people in this world make a barrier.
A wall.
4 walls and a roof if I shield myself enough.
Almost a house
A house for me to call home.

If I shelter myself and refuse to change...
But I don't
I just refuse to change to be like them.
I will change, but it will be to love those who suffer more and to find better ways to care about humanity and to hopefully find a way to fix those people that are wrong.
Not the people that are sad and suffering... those people aren't wrong.
Just the stupid people... I want to kill their idiocy.


I guess there are reasons no one trusts me with power
and reasons more so that when I have power I have no idea how to use it

stay beautiful

Later

I'll do that when I have time for it
One more of this first
In a few minutes I'll start
Soon as I finish this up
Later...
I'll even eat later

But then time rolls around
and it never happens.


stay beautiful

Dark Rabbit

There isn't a point to having a better body.
:(
Every day is so...
All I'm doing is wasting time

Its really pathetic that because of emotional turmoil I couldn't learn something yesterday. And that because I'm sad I don't do enough work.
I wish I could get warm.
And find food worth eating.

I hate how I don't have an appetite and I have to eat because I can't think as clearly or its been a few hours. I want to feel hungry, but at the same time I don't like hunger. Its nice because I actually want something instead of simply trying to hoard the best resources I can, but hunger also is a time of less control.
So even if I do feel hungry I'd rather suppress it than admit to it.


I hate the way my life is right now.
The people annoy me.
I hate myself.


I'm interested in the information out there... I just can't trust it.
I'm not sure how I'm living life... but I don't think I trust myself either.

I feel like I sleep or something during the day because I'll count my heartbeats and then the day is almost over. I'll be looking at something and it will be long gone before I look away. I'll be spending time talking to someone and they have to go. And when they go I have nowhere to be myself. What am I supposed to be doing right now?

I've failed.
I know it.
I hope vainly that I can continue even with my failures behind me.
But I doubt I can even exist like this for much longer.

I wonder what will happen when this all crumbles.
Will the world end in that many days, hours and minutes?



stay beautiful