Poison and sleep

My best friend had his 21st birthday last night.

I like usual didn't drink. But my friend, my sister, my other friend and the roommate all drank. The roommate also got stoned out of his mind, yet he was also the most useful person there. Goes to show how lethal pot is right?

I didn't drink on my 21st birthday because I don't ever want to drink alcohol. I know part of me says it is too many calories. But even if that part of me died I wouldn't want to drink.

I wish pieces of me would die.
It is hard to know if death is better than sadness. The closest I have to death is sleep.
And sleep... I wish I could get more of it. Endless sleep sounds so wonderful. Dreaming, even if you don't remember the results. Its the twisting of the story, its as real as fantasy gets. Perfect fantasy.


Two people threw up. I wanted to ask if they tasted the pizza on the way out... that was always something that annoyed be about pizza was that it was such a terrible food to purge. So big and the taste of pizza watered down with hydrochloric acid...
But lets not pretend like I had a problem with that. Of the few times I purged it is true though that pizza was the meal prior.

My drunk friends can say some dumb things and wake up asking why they ever did something. I live with ever decision. I know I decided for every mistake. Every time I hurt myself was practically on purpose. All this shutting the world out is my doing.
When drunk its like an alter-ego doing all the evil for you.
I don't have excuses.


Its interesting.
My whole life feels pointless.
but I like talking to you Alice


stay beautiful

Sorry

Bills, homework, school, difficult classes, death in the family... all these things don't bother me much. Not at all compared to the feeling I get when I am abandoned.

What is sad... this is mostly my fault. I've isolated myself.


But when I try to reach out and communicate with people... I receive only emptiness back.



stay beautiful

Don't make a promise

Sometimes you see something atrocious and you just laugh.
Its like the world played some prank on you and you're getting front row tickets to see it all.

At first I didn't believe the message when it came to me. I know some of it isn't quite true, just true to what she thinks of me... Which apparently isn't appealing whatsoever.
But I don't find myself that abhor-able. If I did I would likely have tried something by now. Likely I would need to get drunk... be a different person for a while than this vile body I am.

But why do you laugh when it isn't fun?
I feel as if...
We laugh when we don't know what else to do.


After all... what else could I have done?


stay beautiful

You've got mail

Daniel Fucking Law. Remember how I said I spent the better part of a year being miserable for no good reason? Well, if it wasn't clear enough- YOU were my no good reason. YOU are the thing I am trying to run away from. You want me to hate you? Well, here it is: I hate you, Daniel. Is that good enough reason to stop making me miserable? To stop dragging me down once I finally get up? I hate your "not an eating disorder" and your "thinspo" and your desire to suffer and your hopelessness and I hate most of all your want to be hated. Nobody can love you this way, Daniel. You make it impossible. Those that think they do, don't really know you.



Guilt as charged.
But... as for no one loving me...
I hope that is not true.

I have someone in mind that might have deceived me into believing I can be loved like this.

Stay beautiful

The Chase

Lets play a game





tag.



you're it







stay beautiful

Greek Love

It fucking sucks talking to yourself.
I was thinking for a moment today that it would be proper to keep my mouth shut when I'm alone. Why would I talk when I have no one to talk to?
It gets worse... I get to see why other people hate talking to me. I can't ever love listening to myself.

Its more of that hate at all times relationship. Or hate then ignore.
How do you ignore yourself?
Actually I think I've been quite sucessful at it. I've been living off more video games than food. Yesterday I had a bunch of shoveling to do and I knew I couldn't do it without fuel. The world instantly changed.
I hate eating.
The static of starvation is admirably suitable.
Although... I can't say its effects are flattering to my appearance.
Girls are so lucky... I have to do extra work to be worthy of a lingering gaze. And even then I'm not attractive to begin with.

I've found a source of motivation.

I think I've worn out my vacation. I need to start something new. But it doesn't start yet... and when it does start I don't know what I am going to do.


Who am I going to be?




stay beautiful