Now I'm light headed.
Didn't take much to change that.
stay beautiful
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Unattached and forgotten
I'm forgotten. Wonderful.
When I was a child I used to get punished a lot. I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot. Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten. It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for. I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make. Not after a childhood of that.
And what do i think when I forget people? I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me. But I still make mistakes. Genuine mistakes I hope... I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake. They look the same from the outside.
Recovered. Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry. Well i ate more, just a little more. I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more. And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to. This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of. Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time. My boss bought me dark chocolates. I can't eat them. I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer! What if I go a year without chocolate? Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want. I'm willing to die for it.
I wonder if there is a cure. I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet. And I eat enough to live. I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life. Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight. I must be doing this right... Is there any reason to take away the habits? The guilt that I use to keep on track? The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself... so many times I could cry about it. But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?
I have daydreams about cutting myself. I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again. I'm itching... I might forget the hunger for a second. I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it. My foot started to hurt more often. I stopped running to recover it. I ate the same with much less exercise. I'm hungry right now. But I've eaten more than enough.
I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.
stay beautiful
When I was a child I used to get punished a lot. I'd be put on time out a heck of a lot. Sometimes when i was on time out I would be forgotten. It got me into a paranoia... every time I'd be put on time out I'd be so scared they would forget me I'd keep telling myself to ask how much longer I was supposed to be disappeared for. I can't trust people to remember me, no matter how great an impression I make. Not after a childhood of that.
And what do i think when I forget people? I find it harder to forget when someone is trying to talk to me. But I still make mistakes. Genuine mistakes I hope... I can't tell the difference between a genuine mistake and another mistake. They look the same from the outside.
Recovered. Damn.
I was on track, and now I'm not. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I wasn't hungry. Well i ate more, just a little more. I felt so hungry I couldn't take it so I ate some more. And that took away the hunger... the constant dizzy hunger I was getting used to. This translated over a few meals, a few days, and now I'm recovered... sort of. Not in the mind, just not in the habit anymore.
I haven't eaten chocolate in a long time. My boss bought me dark chocolates. I can't eat them. I might be at a month without chocolate... I could go so much longer! What if I go a year without chocolate? Think of all the empty calories I'm cutting out.
Seriously... no food is worth the body I want. I'm willing to die for it.
I wonder if there is a cure. I'm willing to live healthy enough to never fast a whole day... well I will one day, but I haven't yet. And I eat enough to live. I'm positive I'm getting the nutrients and calories I need for life. Its the days where I get just enough of everything, but then take a run that I lose weight. I must be doing this right... Is there any reason to take away the habits? The guilt that I use to keep on track? The willpower it takes to say no so many times to myself... so many times I could cry about it. But I'd rather die than give up.
Can't anyone understand?
I have daydreams about cutting myself. I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain but I want to experience it again. I'm itching... I might forget the hunger for a second. I might learn something about fighting through pain... if I can beat pain then I can run on my foot when it bothers me.
I think that is where I lost it. My foot started to hurt more often. I stopped running to recover it. I ate the same with much less exercise. I'm hungry right now. But I've eaten more than enough.
I think... I typed about food because I don't want to think about anything else.
Nope
rest of my life today will be a secret.
stay beautiful
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Losing weight/myphysicalself
I've never been so... on track.
I could say I'm tired but I don't know how true that is. I can somehow still run for miles and miles even though I barely have enough energy to feel. Serious. Sometimes I can see my hands touching, but I can't feel what I'm touching. Instead I get the sensation of blood sloshing in my arms or something, like my body is so weak that the blood accidentally flows the wrong way sometimes. I know this isn't true, if I can run for miles I still have a strong heart.
But it might be all I have.
I'm so weak... I plank for 2 minutes and almost pass out. I saw the ground 1 millimeter from my face, but I was higher than that... it was just my vision spinning. Whenever I close my eyes I feel myself spinning. I like to imagine I'm just more perceptive and feel the rotation of the Earth.
Descartes is full of crap.
Serious... He was blinded by his opinion that God existed. It caused him to make a mistake in the First and Second meditations... well mostly second. "I am precisely and only a thing that thinks"
WRONG
You might not know what I'm talking about...
But Descartes is brilliant. He knew a lot about how little people can be certain of. He begins first meditations by saying he has assumed a lot of things in his life and should stop that. Eventually it crosses his mind that he might be dreaming, and that his body isn't real, its just a piece of the dream. He tries to somehow prove he is awake, but it seems no matter what he thinks he could just be dreaming. Even his mathematics, 2+3=5 might be fictions that he made up in a dream. He doubts everything... and eventually he finds one thing he can't deny.
He says he must exist. Because, if he were to doubt his existience, it would require HIM existing. Brilliant.
But he didn't know exactly what he was if he couldn't be certain his body was real. Even though he knew HE existed, he could just be a ghostly imagination making everything material around him up. His body could still be part of some dream or deception. So he goes from here to ASSUME he is nothing but a thing that thinks.
Full of crap.
Because I'm more than a thing that thinks.
I am a brain. Yes, it takes a physical brain in order to think. If you removed a chunk of my brain essential for moving my hands then I would never be able to move my hands, thus never think those hand moving thoughts. If you took out the piece of my brain that helped me store memories I'd never make new memories. I need it to think. I am not only a thing that thinks, I am a PHYSICAL thing that thinks. You see, with Descartes' assumption and his declaration that you can never be certain your body is real he invented a dualist universe, where spirits and bodies coexisted. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SPIRIT.
Sorry if you believed before.
I'm obsessive. More than ever.
I'm lonely.
So lonely...
And dizzy.
I've been eating...
but I've never been so
on track
stay beautiful
I could say I'm tired but I don't know how true that is. I can somehow still run for miles and miles even though I barely have enough energy to feel. Serious. Sometimes I can see my hands touching, but I can't feel what I'm touching. Instead I get the sensation of blood sloshing in my arms or something, like my body is so weak that the blood accidentally flows the wrong way sometimes. I know this isn't true, if I can run for miles I still have a strong heart.
But it might be all I have.
I'm so weak... I plank for 2 minutes and almost pass out. I saw the ground 1 millimeter from my face, but I was higher than that... it was just my vision spinning. Whenever I close my eyes I feel myself spinning. I like to imagine I'm just more perceptive and feel the rotation of the Earth.
Descartes is full of crap.
Serious... He was blinded by his opinion that God existed. It caused him to make a mistake in the First and Second meditations... well mostly second. "I am precisely and only a thing that thinks"
WRONG
You might not know what I'm talking about...
But Descartes is brilliant. He knew a lot about how little people can be certain of. He begins first meditations by saying he has assumed a lot of things in his life and should stop that. Eventually it crosses his mind that he might be dreaming, and that his body isn't real, its just a piece of the dream. He tries to somehow prove he is awake, but it seems no matter what he thinks he could just be dreaming. Even his mathematics, 2+3=5 might be fictions that he made up in a dream. He doubts everything... and eventually he finds one thing he can't deny.
He says he must exist. Because, if he were to doubt his existience, it would require HIM existing. Brilliant.
But he didn't know exactly what he was if he couldn't be certain his body was real. Even though he knew HE existed, he could just be a ghostly imagination making everything material around him up. His body could still be part of some dream or deception. So he goes from here to ASSUME he is nothing but a thing that thinks.
Full of crap.
Because I'm more than a thing that thinks.
I am a brain. Yes, it takes a physical brain in order to think. If you removed a chunk of my brain essential for moving my hands then I would never be able to move my hands, thus never think those hand moving thoughts. If you took out the piece of my brain that helped me store memories I'd never make new memories. I need it to think. I am not only a thing that thinks, I am a PHYSICAL thing that thinks. You see, with Descartes' assumption and his declaration that you can never be certain your body is real he invented a dualist universe, where spirits and bodies coexisted. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SPIRIT.
Sorry if you believed before.
I'm obsessive. More than ever.
I'm lonely.
So lonely...
And dizzy.
I've been eating...
but I've never been so
on track
stay beautiful
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Shallow ended
I imagine myself a puddle of water. My deepest thoughts are stagnant against the ground, and there is so much more to the surface, but that can so easily be disturbed. One rough wind and everything changes.
When the water calms again I imagine myself as a puddle of water.
Nothing more than a puddle of water
stay beautiful
When the water calms again I imagine myself as a puddle of water.
Nothing more than a puddle of water
stay beautiful
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Nothing makes a difference
Its harder to think all the time now. I've been on a restricted diet for a long time now. I'm down to 140lbs again. If I keep this up I might hit a new November low.
I stopped practicing my instrument. I stopped doing the schoolwork the day before it is due. I haven't done a run in a long time, BUT I have been eating less.
Enough of a difference to make a difference.
I'm tired all the time. I can feel my body eating itself. I feel weaker and thinner. The abs are always visible... but its only because I've lost almost everything that could have covered them before.
And yet... i don't feel accomplished enough. I need to go further and lose more weight. If I skipped dinner entirely, instead of eating one slice of pizza... How much thinner could I be? Its one of the few things I've eaten today and in retrospect I'm sad I had to give in.
I've lost my brain. The only terms I can use are the simple ones.
Tomorrow I wake up early, I have school for 6 hours, an hour break, and then work for 3 hours. I plan to be so exhausted after those that all I will want to do is sleep, but I'll munch down some dinner, take a run; hoping to burn it all away, and then sleep to wake up to almost an identical schedule.
Enough days of this and I'll be thin.
Oh... and something else.
I really want to take a picture of someone that I know on facebook and get a printout of it to put on my wall. I want to see her sexy face and sexy legs in my room.
But... even this won't make me happy.
stay beautiful
I stopped practicing my instrument. I stopped doing the schoolwork the day before it is due. I haven't done a run in a long time, BUT I have been eating less.
Enough of a difference to make a difference.
I'm tired all the time. I can feel my body eating itself. I feel weaker and thinner. The abs are always visible... but its only because I've lost almost everything that could have covered them before.
And yet... i don't feel accomplished enough. I need to go further and lose more weight. If I skipped dinner entirely, instead of eating one slice of pizza... How much thinner could I be? Its one of the few things I've eaten today and in retrospect I'm sad I had to give in.
I've lost my brain. The only terms I can use are the simple ones.
Tomorrow I wake up early, I have school for 6 hours, an hour break, and then work for 3 hours. I plan to be so exhausted after those that all I will want to do is sleep, but I'll munch down some dinner, take a run; hoping to burn it all away, and then sleep to wake up to almost an identical schedule.
Enough days of this and I'll be thin.
Oh... and something else.
I really want to take a picture of someone that I know on facebook and get a printout of it to put on my wall. I want to see her sexy face and sexy legs in my room.
But... even this won't make me happy.
stay beautiful
Monday, September 5, 2011
Goldfish
I did an 11 mile run today.
Its so difficult to admit when I've accomplished something. The slightest slip of the tongue will give me a headache. Sometimes I think I'm order bound.
Its this condition from the books I read where a character can't tell lies without the order inside of him or her causing feedback. Everything stable has order. Iron has order, water has order, air probably very thin order. And then there is chaos, which is basically destruction. Chaos is almost always fire.
I didn't run the whole thing. I might have been able to. My final time was less than an hour and a half. My friend did the run with me and was around 5 minutes behind me in the end. Another friend rode a scooter... I was right behind him almost the whole time.
I got home with these two friends where we celebrated with a glass of chocolate milk. Then we went out for some sort of ice cream dumplings at Trader Joes; I had 2. I volunteered to walk home because it would make the rideshare easier. Still... I shouldn't have had 2. It wasn't even half the size of my palm. I shouldn't be upset
I cried today.
I read about the life of someone who has suffered more than I ever will. She has Dissociative Identity Disorder because of the memories she had to erase, and after reading I curled up into a ball and imagined what I would do if I met her. I want to find her. I'll admit I've been searching for her, and I'd provide her with a place to stay. I was thinking what it would be like to hug her but my mind kept making me push her away after the imagined embrace. I couldn't risk hurting her... So although we would hug I would always pull back like something stabbed me. I'd let her run away, except I'd follow her. And when she can't run anymore I'll say "let's start walking home" and then I'll hand her a water bottle. I'll show her what I do... where I work out to the closest I've been to oblivion and then I refresh the life with a little bit of sugar. Maybe some chocolate milk. And my favorite part of the dream was that if she wanted to give back to me I was able to invent the perfect gift. I had a room with white walls and a hardwood floor and in this room were canvases and brushes and trays for paint, but no paint. Instead... there were razors.
I have pictures given to me by my ex-girlfriend of whatever she was feeling at the moment. They are all painted with her blood. I requested once she draw a goldfish for me, and she drew a dead smiling goldfish with bubbles coming out of its mouth saying...
stay beautiful
Its so difficult to admit when I've accomplished something. The slightest slip of the tongue will give me a headache. Sometimes I think I'm order bound.
Its this condition from the books I read where a character can't tell lies without the order inside of him or her causing feedback. Everything stable has order. Iron has order, water has order, air probably very thin order. And then there is chaos, which is basically destruction. Chaos is almost always fire.
I didn't run the whole thing. I might have been able to. My final time was less than an hour and a half. My friend did the run with me and was around 5 minutes behind me in the end. Another friend rode a scooter... I was right behind him almost the whole time.
I got home with these two friends where we celebrated with a glass of chocolate milk. Then we went out for some sort of ice cream dumplings at Trader Joes; I had 2. I volunteered to walk home because it would make the rideshare easier. Still... I shouldn't have had 2. It wasn't even half the size of my palm. I shouldn't be upset
I cried today.
I read about the life of someone who has suffered more than I ever will. She has Dissociative Identity Disorder because of the memories she had to erase, and after reading I curled up into a ball and imagined what I would do if I met her. I want to find her. I'll admit I've been searching for her, and I'd provide her with a place to stay. I was thinking what it would be like to hug her but my mind kept making me push her away after the imagined embrace. I couldn't risk hurting her... So although we would hug I would always pull back like something stabbed me. I'd let her run away, except I'd follow her. And when she can't run anymore I'll say "let's start walking home" and then I'll hand her a water bottle. I'll show her what I do... where I work out to the closest I've been to oblivion and then I refresh the life with a little bit of sugar. Maybe some chocolate milk. And my favorite part of the dream was that if she wanted to give back to me I was able to invent the perfect gift. I had a room with white walls and a hardwood floor and in this room were canvases and brushes and trays for paint, but no paint. Instead... there were razors.
I have pictures given to me by my ex-girlfriend of whatever she was feeling at the moment. They are all painted with her blood. I requested once she draw a goldfish for me, and she drew a dead smiling goldfish with bubbles coming out of its mouth saying...
stay beautiful
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