Pas de deux

Dancing with someone,
forgetting.
Smiling isn't really possible at the moment


Crying makes my head hurt


I don't mind
What's on your mind?

Why do people not talk about themselves; what do they have to hide?  The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.  Yet a lot of people would rather be invisible.  They disagree.
Being born a human supplies me with certain tendencies.  I tend to feel social.  Like I need communication to be alive, but I know this to be a lie- I've gone a few days without talking and survived well enough.  It was hard to not be able to express thanks to people when they did favors for me, but overall I was relieved because I didn't have to argue or assert myself when I was silent.  I endured and suffered.
So it makes me question where the social instinct came from and what use it has.  Is this social instinct just another mechanism of the body to assist in finding a mate?  It matters that much?  I wonder how mindless I am as a human being.




I stared off into space for a good time.  I wouldn't recommend it, but I wouldn't tell you not to do it.
I remember when I was younger I used to spend time doing nothing.  I still spend time doing nothing, but sometimes when I'm doing nothing I'm planning out the next day in my head or throwing things away or otherwise using my hands to rearrange things.  Sometimes music plays in the background.  But its still nothing.  Not the same nothing anymore...
I'm not going to be worth reading tonight.

I read the previous post.  I'm a little disappointed.  It looks like I wrote that while I was 15.  The year I still didn't know the thoughts in my head.  Now I know, I don't want to admit, and I tell anyways.  And I lie...  I lie a lot.  But my mind is full of contradictions.
I think you can blame the truth for all my lies.
Why does the truth change?

I used to lay down and tell myself I was doing nothing, then I'd stop telling myself that or anything else and I wouldn't plan anything.  I'd daydream, but never in sentences... nothing in language, and I'd forget all of it.  So I used to be pretty good at doing nothing.  It seems I've lost that talent because I hit the end of my day and before I close my eyes because the numbers of the clock are too high I look back and see I've had to spend every minute working for something.
Maybe not...
Maybe I do a whole lot of nothing...


I really want to take a walk for a day.  I want to wake up and walk something like 30 miles because that would be so easy and that is all I want to do.
I think I'd lose weight if I did that for every day for a week.



I don't see any future

And even though the same words had been echoing in my head my whole life and I felt like she knew exactly what I was feeling I still felt misunderstood, mislead and lost.
I don't know what I look forward to anymore.



stay beautiful

Divided tracks

Tracking
–verb (used with object)

21.

to follow or pursue the track, traces, or footprints of.

22.

to follow (a track, course, etc.).

23.

to make one's way through; traverse.

 

 

We do an exercise in Drum corps called tracking, and basically it is playing a chunk of the show while marching straight ahead.  Compared to my personal drill movement and step size and all... tracking covers more distance and can be repeated more than any show chunk run from the performing positions.  Yet the one time we tracked it didn't hurt enough...  I just wasn't exhausted.  It takes too much to wear me down now that I have conditioned my heart to handle the cardio and my legs to move my weight and the arms to carry the tuba.  If I touch my arms or pectorals it feels like I have nothing but muscle... not an ounce of fat... or so it feels.  Yet my stomach still protrudes farther than my hips and my legs jiggle with every step.  I still have work to do, but I don't think I can solve the imperfections with exercise.  I think I need to starve the last bits of weight out.

Which brings me to a dilemma.  Do I give up what I have and go through the haze just to feel weak again but have the appearance I want for a short duration?  Is it worth the possibility that someone will figure out how serious the damage on the inside is and maybe I could lose everything because I will get locked up or sent away to be cured?  Is it even worth the sacrifices?  Worth not being able to think straight or walk correctly or listen to directions and perform like I should?  I don't want to be the weakest person out there or the dumbest person just because I have trouble accepting the way I am.

I don't know.

Some members got sick.  I think I was introduced to the same bug they were, as I had terrible gas (worse than usual, I confess I'm guilty of constant farts during practice) and was on the verge of throwing up for no reason.  But I decided I wasn't going to get sick because they quarantine the sick people and I don't want to be pulled out of participating.  So I ate.

When i feel I'm about to get sick I eat... I eat foods I like and things that will help me fight disease and then I wash my hands a lot.  I've washed my hands well over 10 times today.  The soap at home, as I just got home tonight, is a blue soap that says "dancing waters" on it.  I find it poetic.  Something pretty to dream about.

I lost my phone.  For the first time ever.

I played a solo tonight in front of an audience.

I performed.

I rehearsed.

I didn't have time for sunscreen.

I've been working harder than before, living off less (except for when I felt I was getting sick) and giving more.

More emotion...

More of myself.

I've been smiling a lot.

But I'm not even close to content.  I'm pleasant.  I'm distracted.  I feel healthy enough.  I have energy.  I even have something to do for now: providing me a temporary sense of purpose.  But I'm missing the one thing I really want: a companion.

And I've been trying to make friends...  but I feel like the people I want to meet are closing me off.  I know I can't be understood because...  because...  I don't think life is important.

So I question everything.

I don't know... why is everything the way it is?

...

/

I'm going to sleep.  I don't have much else that I want to say out loud.  I'm surprised that anyone wants to hear me.  I don't know who I am and I don't want to know who I am.  I don't care who I am.  I don't mind if I get hurt or live or die.  I've spent a lot of my time thinking...  and it hasn't gotten me anywhere.

One of the instructors said something interesting.

He told us a story about a Zen master who realized something in a rainstorm.

While traveling under the eaves of the trees I got wet and was astonished.  And by taking the clear road I was also soaked by the same shower.

Either way one will get wet.  By the careful path where we attempt to shelter ourselves the troubles and cold and whatever else we are trying to avoid will still reach you.  Or... you can take the straightest path you can regardless of the protections it gives and just hope you're strong enough to weather out the water.

I'm pretty sure that even though this is difficult and it hurts that I'm strong enough to make it the way I am going.

But maybe I want to alter my path.

I mean... what does it change?

stay beautiful

Searching dark waters

I have this trick that I use when I feel anxiety.

I don't think.
I don't even try to feel.
I send out my perception and try to change the world around me without doing anything.  Its different every time, but I've tried to turn the sun into a ball of darkness or change the people around me to stone or make the room I'm standing in empty so that no one has to see me fail.  Well... I do this without thinking.  I guess I dream when I feel anxiety and it pushes it away.  I tell myself that I can't feel it now and that I'll have time to feel it later.

The problem is... I never do feel it later.

Later...
I end up feeling like this.



And I don't even know what you call this.


I should have spent all day preparing... I'm about to close this netbook and take it with me, but I won't have internet to communicate with you.
I'll miss you.
Yeah...  you: nothing.
nothing at all
nothing important


I've been trying to dream of someone to replace the loneliness with and I wake up with a forgotten memory.  I think all I have been getting is blackness.


I did a run today.  My legs got heavy before I even started.  My blood sugar tanked too so I was sweating the kind of sweat you get when you're afraid, but I told myself that I didn't have time to faint and that I had enough energy to do it.  I got out there and ended up running the whole time because I wasn't going to let any of the people driving by see me walk.  I didn't feel anything then but my dehydration and the weight in my legs.
If I try too hard to remember I feel a shadow of the fear I could have felt, and while that shadow almost brings me to tears its a current compared to a storm of raging water.  I have focused sadness.


And maybe that is what this feeling is.
Focused
depression



stay beautiful

Again

I've come back because you wanted me to but I'm living the same life.  In a day I will be far away from a computer, and although I'll return to this room I've lived in my whole life for a while... I'll be sent away again.  Drum corps.  The usual story.
I got injured once and it got me thinking about defining what pain is.  Its something like your body telling you that you can't do something.  Pain is a sensational refusal of the terms you are in.  My body tells me I'm not supposed to put knives under my skin or stop eating or introduce bruises wherever I please.  And it made me want to break the barrier and outright refuse the pain my body gives me.  I want to be free.

One day I might test the limits too far and die.  Dying will be painful... but dying isn't part of pain.  Do you understand?  When you feel pain it isn't a piece of you dying... its the scream of mercy you get before a death.  Death is just destruction...  If you aren't separated or broken or rearranged in any way then you aren't dead.
I don't follow my own logic here...  I'll stop trying to explain.


What else happened?
The world got hot and then the world got cold.  I can live in heat even though I threw up a few times when it was over 100 degrees.  I've also been tracking my distance in rehearsal.  Usual rehearsal days are 10 miles and the usual show days are 5 miles.  Most of this distance is done while carrying the tuba...  but I can't say I find the extra 20 pounds of metal to be so difficult anymore because I've gained a little weight.  I'm still under 150lbs, but now I have more strength.  I was told by someone my body fat percentage is probably around 4%.  Its a lie.  I know it has to be somewhere around 12%.  People don't live at 4% body weight... well... I used to be there...  I'm sure of it.
I wish it were that easy to lose weight.  But its so hard...


I obsess over food.  I even confessed to someone that I was hoarding food, that i dream about it, that I think about it all the time, that I'm hungry even while I am eating...  I can't escape it.  I think I'm hopeless.


So what else am I doing?
Today I slept for 8 hours... the longest I have slept in a few weeks.  And the less I sleep the more I tend to eat.  So for the past few days I've been out of control, but for today I've proportioned the food well enough.
I got new shoes...  I need to protect my feet and joints.  I hope to run more or something extra because what I'm doing isn't good enough.
Oh... and I spent time with my sister.  She did a lot of things to me that I have done to other people.  She plugged herself in when she felt weak, she attacked objects, she laughed when she was angry and she grabbed my arm and held it (well... I don't really do that last one).  I'm starting to wonder if the behaviors run in the family... and why my parents have never had maniac episodes.  Maybe my sister and I are some kind of mixture that created a new phenomenon.  Or maybe I caused this to her.
I control myself all the time.  Even my explosions are muffled or in places no one else can see me.






I said today that happiness is in your own hands.  I never knew I was such a liar.


Hi.
I'm alive.
But I don't
care for it all that much





stay beautiful