How?

How do I get the body I have?

I don't even know...
I know what body you could have.
And I wait for that... But right now I don't feel fond of myself. I don't trust my instinct. If I am hungry I eat. There is something wrong with that.
I can't put my finger on it, but something has allowed me to be lucky so far... I haven't bloated out of proportion yet. Yet. Yet, you eat like a cow, you allow yourself the excuse of being over 6 foot, consuming mountains of food taller than you. You are nothing, the food you eat has more self control than you. The milk you cherish so much has more brains than you. You deserve air and water... not the honey and chocolate you have stolen.

Within me wages a war. Battle after battle I secede nutrition. I believe the lies that I need it all...
One the inside I'm converted, but I don't believe it. Actions speak louder than words. And I do nothing.

Fridays I eat vegetables all day.
It works out most of the time. When I got home today I snacked. ew.

I wake up at 5Am on Monday, Wednesday and Friday to work out. It has to be the most intense workouts... I give up in these. I can't even think of Ana, I can't even think of survival. All I can do is meter the pace, breathe, keep my abs tight and try to support myself or the team.
To give you an idea of how these workouts are, my friend joined us for the first time today. He threw up... in my car.
Another friend joined us for an "easy day," he goes to the gym every day. He said that his body was brutalized. Like us he was exhausted.
Of the ones doing the workout I have some of the best endurance... But actions speak louder than words.
I am very disappointed in myself because I give up. At least once every session I give up. I hate it... My body hurts so much... And combining the difficult calisthenics with the strength exercises, the agilitys, the sprints, and the oddball painful ones...
Even I can't do it.

And then I eat.

I'm disappointed.
Actions speak louder than words.