iLost

Lost an ipod somewhere. I don't know. It must be lost then.

Everything has a consequence. Choosing not to do something will cost you, choosing to do something will have its price as well. Right now I've been spending recklessly. I don't think that my natural form can keep up, I'm bloating.

If I try... If I only tried I would be so much more.
I'm sad... that is all.

I don't want to talk again. But I have responsibilities. Small. Little isolated worldly responsibilities. But I have them...


Stay Beautiful

How?

How do I get the body I have?

I don't even know...
I know what body you could have.
And I wait for that... But right now I don't feel fond of myself. I don't trust my instinct. If I am hungry I eat. There is something wrong with that.
I can't put my finger on it, but something has allowed me to be lucky so far... I haven't bloated out of proportion yet. Yet. Yet, you eat like a cow, you allow yourself the excuse of being over 6 foot, consuming mountains of food taller than you. You are nothing, the food you eat has more self control than you. The milk you cherish so much has more brains than you. You deserve air and water... not the honey and chocolate you have stolen.

Within me wages a war. Battle after battle I secede nutrition. I believe the lies that I need it all...
One the inside I'm converted, but I don't believe it. Actions speak louder than words. And I do nothing.

Fridays I eat vegetables all day.
It works out most of the time. When I got home today I snacked. ew.

I wake up at 5Am on Monday, Wednesday and Friday to work out. It has to be the most intense workouts... I give up in these. I can't even think of Ana, I can't even think of survival. All I can do is meter the pace, breathe, keep my abs tight and try to support myself or the team.
To give you an idea of how these workouts are, my friend joined us for the first time today. He threw up... in my car.
Another friend joined us for an "easy day," he goes to the gym every day. He said that his body was brutalized. Like us he was exhausted.
Of the ones doing the workout I have some of the best endurance... But actions speak louder than words.
I am very disappointed in myself because I give up. At least once every session I give up. I hate it... My body hurts so much... And combining the difficult calisthenics with the strength exercises, the agilitys, the sprints, and the oddball painful ones...
Even I can't do it.

And then I eat.

I'm disappointed.
Actions speak louder than words.

Reasearch

I'm going to get to sleep soon. I get up at 5:30Am tomorrow. 5, but I start working out at 5:30. But I'm not doing too hot in school. Or my other stuff.
Thankfully Drum Corps camp is this weekend. And I plan to let my time burn away there, burn away like all the calories that I will be working off for sure as they force me to run, play, and march to inhuman standards. I'm one of the few close to meeting those standards. And I know it... I'm not even close to where I should be.

At Drum Corps I plan to skip a meal once. Its going to be interesting... because you need every ounce of energy you can get while there. I just hope I don't binge at the next meal.

Jump rope is amazing by the way... Makes me so tired it is unreasonable.

Also... if anyone (yes I am talking to you readers!) has information on Marijuana. Just give me recent information. I'll sort out what I want to do with it. But I have 3 classes I might be doing research projects on marijuana. I don't even care about the stuff. I haven't smoked it, even though it was offered. Although I want a license just to show how easy it is to get it (I have no medical conditions that should let me qualify, but I think I could do it). California Law is crazy, because Anorexics (with formal diagnoses) can be given a marijuana license. Cool huh?

Too bad I've been hiding this 'disease' all along. No one official knows... Pity.


Stay Beautiful

I'm Grande Sized

The weather is getting warmer, and so my focus is coming back.

Yesterday morning I got up at 5AM to do a workout with my friends. Throughout the rest of the day I ate, but not heavily. I have a class from 6:30-9:35PM, I left early and when I came home I skipped dinner.
I threw a meal out again. It felt good, it has been far too long.

I have far too much on my schedule to deal with.
It all can wait, there are more important things to focus on like yourself.
Right now I'm trying to be a little healthy. I had gained weight for sure because of the cold, because of trying to be a good example for my girlfriend. Yeah... I got a girlfriend, and she is a better Anorexic than you are. But I don't want her to die, and I feel like I constantly have to worry about losing her. If she eats she is unhappy, but if she doesn't, her heart could stop and I lose her forever. I don't want to hurt her, but wouldn't it be sad if she died? Do you know what the saddest thing is about that?
Yeah...
If she died, you would get over it.
I don't want to think about that. I don't want to imagine how heartless I am.

I have no clue how much I weigh. I'm a little disappointed in my body because I feel like I could be doing better. But I have drum and bugle corps this weekend. Its sure to break me down physically- which what I want. I'm hoping that I can skip a meal there. Just to see how it would work out.

The weather is getting warmer. I'm getting back the focus.