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I've stabilized around 125lbs.


For such a long time that was the goal.

Now it feels like the goal is to just get a little worse so that I collapse.
Maybe then I won't say no to therapy.


I know what I really want. I know this isn't the way to get it. But this is my way of painting the picture that I want to see. Hunger is my palette.  Caffeine my brush.  Water my canvass.



I actually looked it up. There is an eating disorder clinic something like 5.3 miles away from me on one of the cross streets I currently live on.

I can't go.



I'm not ready to be honest with anyone. I'm not even honest to this blog. Fuck being honest. Who deserves the truth from me anyways? I earned my secrets and I'm hiding them simply because telling the secrets puts me in more danger than keeping hidden.
Also some of my secrets are damn embarrass to talk about.


I'd much rather talk about how I cleaned my fridge. It looks so nice when it has almost nothing in it. Haha... I was even scared to eat fucking kale. I don't know why... since the carotenoid antioxidants do so well for my mind.

What can I say... dietary sabotage is an excellent hobby. 

Swallow your pride with your words

I fucking hate relying on others.


But if there is something I've learned about success it is how much easier it is to succeed when you have the help of others.


I've used pro-ana communities to motivate myself to get to lower numbers than ever before because I feel like I am being held accountable. I've gotten jobs from my parents job searching for me. I've had teachers pass me when I had less than a passing grade. I guess I could search my memory for more, but these statements feel relevant enough. It should be sufficient to say that I would not have taken many steps forward if I didn't have people that would lift my feet for me.


Which brings me to my current state. In my mind I keep telling myself that I've gained 10 lbs. In reality its more like 5 lbs, but I'm mentally preparing myself for what I will term recovery. But I have a nagging sensation to drag myself back. The people around me would pull me towards a healthy weight, but I just want to lose 10 again. I want to be the lowest I've ever been.


Its funny. I wanted to tell someone this is a low point in my life. And before the words left my mouth I had to swallow them because I knew I have worse in store.



I'm not sure what will become of me.

unnaturalbenos

I just hate how I have to live my life... where it feels like all the people in my real life can't be told all the secrets I have or the real reason why I'm 6'1" and 125lbs. That I actually try to be this weight, and if I had the willpower I'd be lower and closer to death. I actually want to flirt with death... and its not something that I can explain. Its like trying to explain why grey is my favorite color. I can find all the reasons in my head for it, but its still not going to make grey into a colorful color that other people like. Its still going to be dull to them. My state of mind is still going to be sick when I tell them why I feel this way. I'm tired of lying, but I know as soon as I tell the truth I'll lose my freedom to do what I do without resistance. I don't want to have to fight other people over my personal decisions, and the less they know the better. But why do I hate keeping the secret?

Commitment

I've never wanted to commit to anything.

Or at least... the things I've wanted to commit for I haven't had the balls to commit for and everything else that was easy enough to commit to was just convenient and there.

I really want to tell the girl that is texting me that she happened to be there. That I don't want to commit. That I just don't like the music she plays, or the weight she is, or the things she talks about. I really do listen to her, but I just don't see myself enjoying her words for very long. I don't want to change her.

Doesn't this happen to anyone else? What you are given just isn't what you want?


Although I can say that there are many things I have that I love to have. for instance all the food I've been binge-ing on. I've been loving it because I'm such a fatty. I have 14 containers of truffles, 12 boxes of perfect bars, a giant bag of pita chips, I just finished vegetarian pizza, I finished a greek yogurt that I ate with flaxmeal... all of this after a fast on Sunday. LOL. One day of not eating and then I'm stuffing my fat chops for 3 days straight. I'll never drop weight this way.


I've been active on peach. I love peach so far. I like being able to express how mildly disordered I am. I even took a mirror selfie. Its funny because I've been teasing that I'll leave pictures here for a while and I just get a different outlet and take a picture right away. I want so badly to fit in.


Maybe I just don't deserve it.

The 15th will be harder than the 14th

I purposely didn't message anyone on valentines day.

Well... I did reply back to one message. And I texted people back when they texted me. But I didn't send a valentines message.

Because I'm trying to realize that I'm not ready.


Dammit I want to be loved. I want to love. I want...
But I've been trying to teach myself for a while now that love isn't just about want. Its about fulfillment. Its adventure. Exploration. Its the comfort of gamaaminobutyricacid when you touch because your amygdala is quelled. The rush of dopamine when sunshine hits your pituitary gland. The oxytocin you share the oxygen you share the carbon dioxide you share the making-out you share.

I'm not sure what love is... maybe some of the CO2 I'm breathing is going to my brain and I'm trying to think with necrotic neurons.

I felt like all day today I was dying. Like I took too many blood thinners and I was a bruise away from bleeding out or a minute of holding my breath or locking my knees from fainting. My feet are currently asleep, but maybe that is because I'm sitting like a perched hermit. I'm in a house with 4 other people right now and I have total privacy, but I crave being alone.



I think that I want to be alone. But then I'm so confused because empty just doesn't feel right.

Valentines Nightmare

I had an incredible nightmare.

I was transitioning into a new home, but I was homeless for just a few nights. I saw a laundromat that was open 24 hours and decided to curl up in a blanket and sleep there. But then more and more homeless came and i felt less and less safe with all of them around.
I had brought a girl over to see my parents. She was thin. For some reason they weighed her. They didn't like her weight and said there was a problem. Then it was my turn to get weighed, but first I left to 'use the restroom' and filled my pockets with change. I had to move stiffly to not make a lot of noise and I prayed they wouldn't make me empty my pockets or think my weight was unacceptable even with the coins in my pockets. I woke up right after stepping on the scale.


Of course... this was a dream so I was at least 5lbs lighter.


But you know... one can dream.

Do I love me?

I'm surprised its Valentines day.

Also I'm not convinced when she told me that she could give up food for love. I don't even remember when I heard it, but I've heard her say it.

1. you wouldn't.

2. that is my job.


Although I'll probably give up both... Once I figure out how to give up food. Haha... I've been a pig.


I'm at least consistently weighing in at 125lbs. I've really gained 125lbs as a stable weight. It feels good to be stabilized here. I lay down and my hip bones are incredibly obvious to me and my back feels like its made of bone.
Its funny to me the downsides of this weight is that I actually felt like my arms were flabby today. I've got tiny arms, but I shouldn't be able to feel my flesh jiggle when i walk...

I'll just have to lose the weight. That will solve the problem.


Ugh I also burned the roof of my mouth. I was cooking zucchini with nutritional yeast and coconut oil and the oil and yeast mixture literally blistered my mouth because I didn't let it cool first. I was... just... starving.
FML.

I feel like I should give up sandwiches for lent. If I give up sandwiches I'll lose weight I bet.
I'm not even catholic, but I'll take any excuse to die a little slower.


School is killing me. I stress ate so much today. I'm just hoping that I can be better tomorrow.


And yet... I'm planning on cooking myself a big homemade meal with my new homemade vegan gluten free country style gravy that I've been raving about.


I'm also going to take a huge risk. I'm hoping it pays off.
I mean... I'm taking a bigger risk than the usual ones. I'm going to lose over half my money doing this. But mentally I've already committed to it.

Finally, if you have a peach add me :D
forgetremembering

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