Out of service

I'm trying to relearn how to interact with this world without anxiety

I'm learning a few tricks...


stay beautiful

Broken mousepad

I actually can't do this.
I can't concentrate for long enough...

Why am I so... disabled?

Tense past

I remember modeling for that photoshoot.

The photographer had a bulging belly. Her assistant spoke another language. I was simultaneously struck admiring the beauty of pregnancy while swallowing disgust at the normalcy of the rest of her body. In my mind everyone should be extraordinary.
I don't remember much about the day. I remember seeing too much sky and wishing for it to be overcast as a photographer I once knew had told me overcast days did all the lighting adjustments for you and I wanted this to be perfect.
I don't remember... It was only a few seconds before they told me to take off my shirt and right away both her and her assistant we shaking their head. No... this wouldn't do. He isn't skinny enough.
So after a few pictures with the back of my neck flaring in embarrassment and my heart producing heat like a furnace with coals of anxiety... I showed them a little trick.
All the sudden it was
wow... I've never seen anyone get that thin.
Hold that right there...
And now I was getting burned with lies
LIES
I never used to be that thin. I would look in the mirror and admire how well I could pull in my own stomach, but never did I look like that.
I always wanted to though...

Its really sad that without other people to save me... with just me and all these painful memories that I have to find some way to live.
I can see I was doing what I was because I didn't want to remember my past.
I want a new life
I want to talk about the future and nothing else
I want to be buried in sleep and under blankets until this winter ends.

I don't want a past anymore



stay beautiful

Cold confession

It was actually surprisingly effective way of eliminating the present. Last night was.
And yet... I'm still here.
Why did I come back?

If there is a spirit world it must be North. In Washington, or Canada, or maybe on the East Coast somewhere. It calls me: Asking me why I'm not there.
I just need a few things to clear up.


stay beautiful

Not what it sounds like

I tried to overdose
and you would call me stupid for it
But it was fun while it lasted
And now I'm just to tired to be anything but sick

This is not the way it is supposed to be


stay beautiful

Day

Feeling cold.

Seeping cold like sap from a punctured trunk. Cold ooze running tracks from the cracks and the musty smell of winter. Silence like a tree fallen.

In the new sunrise light.

A new

nothing will change

stay beautiful

All for 1.83

So not quite nothing.
But to some people that is nothing...
And as life threatening as it is to get low grades.
Its not even the grades I'm interested in. But if I want to stay afloat I'm going to have to change that part of me.

I hate changing...
I've noticed I'm very resistant to change. I've always had a built in recovery system where if I feel like I'm losing too much weight I eat a little more to keep my focus. But I know I'm just trying to stay the same...
I think.
I don't even know anything.
Especially me.

Here I am with terrible posture. Seemingly I've given up on everything. Seemingly to the data...
I don't know why it is I can't try for anything. I feel like I'm trying to get past this stage of life in as few moves as possible. Getting up as little as I can. Eating only when it must be done. Nothing extra?
Hm...
But I have been doing things extra even though i don't want to.
Its really pathetic... but I was hoping that this break would give me relief from what I think is an addiction to video games.
I really feel that weak.
I can't do anything without wanting to play... because playing makes me feel like I can do something right. And when I take a break from the work I want to play more. And when I'm tired and need to sleep I just want to play more. When I wake up I want to play before I eat. I'm lost.
Already.
No wonder I'm so useless.


I wonder why it is that no one else suffers like me...
If they don't care about their grades they also don't care about the class, they also don't care about the material, they don't care if they learn or not, they just want to get through it. Where in my case I care... I want to leave with the knowledge, and most of all I don't want the class to end (no matter how tormenting my failures are) until I have succeeded.
Why can't school be like that?


stay beautiful