Destiny is a full time job

 Oddly enough I hate sleeping in. Often it ruins all my plans, and to me my plans are worth more than my health. I mean at least that is coherent with the eating disorder.

The worst part about sleeping in is how difficult it is to sleep the next day. At midnight I wont be tired at all, and often it will stretch later into the night. Then I'll be forced to sleep in the next day, the restless hours will prolong and eventually I'll be sleeping when the sun rises. 

Its such a small complaint just because I easily make do with it. The concept of sleeping in still irks me. 

I'm glad I didn't take advantage of the most recent lady to be attracted to me. She said something to me about how everyone meets someone for a reason. And I knew to her it meant that I was linked to her by destiny.

I do believe that, I just believe that destiny is also something that can simply be made. I can destiny myself into running a marathon. I destiny'd myself into being underweight. 

Perhaps the way I describe it can be perceived as demeaning. But I think the meaning I am looking for is that uncontrollable destiny can still be slightly controlled. 

Damns can at least tell you where the flood will occur when they fail. And so my best efforts to create a destiny where I die to my own mind can likewise be an overfilled drowning simulator. 

I've always wondered if I could be a healthcare provider for people that have mental illness. Because when I see self inflicted wounds I empathize to my core. And I have a craving to share deeper. 

I don't know if I could work with that around me.

But I do know I'd like it.

black dream muted

 It feels like its too late for my mind. I mean I'm already mentally ill. What even is the cure after being mentally broken? Does everything- medication, meditation, mediation, mastication- all middle down into damage control? Erasers are a concept that paper and whiteboards know. Memories aren't so easy to clean ink stains from.

Yet still I wonder when its actually too late. Sometimes I lose the connection with joy like its a song that stopped playing or a video put on mute. The perception disabled. 

I picked up the easiest book I could because I had 2 books with markers in them that I haven't been able to joy. 

And then the 12th page of harry potter and the philosopher's stone made me cry. It was close enough to joy for me to put the book down and enter a sleep inked fully black.

 

My will to communicate feels broken too. I delete messages to everyone and hours later I realize I never sent anything.

 So why am I waiting for a reply?

 

I wonder if I can focus enough to make something. Not of myself, as I'm as worthless as the junk fort I live in. Something out of the thoughts I have.

 

 

I'm not currently sure what a coherent plan is. 

I did write something to the-void

 

Ive been eating my favorite foods and for some reason it feels ashen within me. It dies as soon as i swallow it and i feel rotten inside.

[11:21 PM]

I feel so much more satisfied empty lately

 

Break them both

 Its always about my weight. And when I was in the hospital I was 119lbs again (6'1" height).

 

I've held dear a perspective of desiring to be the good guy. Sometimes I'll do the noble thing when it hurts and I feel nothing but desire to divulge in my devil just because I want to be the good guy. I'm definitely not convincing myself with that act. I'm just marinating myself in innocence sauce in front of others. 

Can you believe I spent 6 days in the hospital?

 

Hospital food is criminal. I wanted to puke it just to give them a lesson at how unbearable it is. I don't need luxury, but I don't want to feel like I'm being tortured into being cured. I hope prisons have better food honestly. 

Quarantine is easier when I feel like I deserve to be lonely. I get to self indulge in emotional turmoil freely. Its just a great excuse to backtrack on progressing to feel better. 

Do I really want to feel better?

Or am I just avoiding pain?

One of the more entertaining parts of my discharge is that I was given iron pills for anemia, but then I was given 5 laxatives for the constipation of the iron. My shit was black for at least 5 days from those pills. And they kill my hunger. But I didn't take any of the laxatives. Because you don't need those if you eat vegetarian the way I do.

Still... the greatest hunger suppressant for me is heartbreak. I broke someone else's heart, and it recoiled back to me. Its so strange to me how even though I feel sensation-less I look back at the feeling and crave it. Something about being so emotionally numb that I physically feel like I'm swallowing krypton makes me feel as though this is peak lifetime experience. When I'm so upset that my brain runs in circles so fast I feel oxygen deprived enough to drown on air. Its like skydiving, but also landing without a parachute over and over and over. 

I did that to someone else... and also to myself. Its only fair right?

I'm sure I'm not even sorry and I'd do it again if I was given a chance. I even think I deserve another chance. 

I think about my hospitalization over and over... and I'd break them both again if given the chance.